To be brutally honest, this escalated very quickly...
Our story starts with a weary wife and a lazy, inept and incompetent husband.
As with most marriages, it started out full of sunshine and happiness. Young lovers enjoying every minute of their new lives together, soaking up every opportunity the day had to offer and dreaming of doing much the same thing for the rest of our lives.
Sadly, before I could say 'dinners ready darling' my perfect life and turned into a reoccurring nightmare. I had turned into his mother.
Firstly, I blame myself for allowing this to happen. I'd turned into the housewife I'd always promised myself I wouldn't and I'd somehow managed to do that at the same time as working a 40 hour week in HR.
But mostly I blamed him; he knew exactly what he was doing, slowly beating me down with his terrible habits. Things like leaving his dirty washing NEXT to the washing basket, not in it. Getting more pee ON THE SEAT or on the floor than he managed to get in it. Leaving his morning coffee mug NEXT to the dishwasher as he couldn't seemingly be bothered to open the door. The examples of his poor house training could go on and on and on.
I'd had enough. I really had. We started to bicker relentlessly about his behaviour but he didn't see the issue. It was no surprise, I'd let it go on too long. He had become comfortable with his life and wasn't going to give it up without a fight. I had to get radical.
One day whilst talking to a work friend, I had an epiphany. Whilst joking about how equally useless our respective partners were I stumbled across what I modestly think is the greatest thing since sliced bread.
I remembered the best way to provoke a reaction out of my husband was mockery. Whether that was in private or in front of our friends and family, the best way to motivate my dear other half was poke fun at him with insults and comments laced with sarcastic home truths. I'd been doing this for years without ever realising it. Whether it was mocking his driving, his laziness or the fact I earnt more money than him, I'd been gently digging at him for years. All I had to do was somehow direct that sarcastic wit into a solution that would release me from my 1950s nightmare.
So what I did was create him a training course. Basic instructions on how to do the laundry. I went to town, I really did. The 'course' consisted of slides on where the washing machine was, where we kept all the supplies, how to use it, how not to ruin the clothes. You name it, it was in there. My devious plan was to give this to him as a gift on his 30th birthday in front of all his family and friends, thus maximising the embarrassment I hoped he would feel and increase the chances of the point hitting home.
His birthday came around. I gave him the gift and it went down a storm. The roars were deafening in the quiet pub we'd taken over for a civilised meal. It was almost embarrassing. This just encouraged me and he resulting 20 minute roast I gave him about all his bad habits and domestic shortcomings could of been a Comedy Central special. It left him and everyone else is earshot in no doubt whatsoever that he was a huge pain in my arse and I'd had enough.
As much as he took my point onboard and genuinely improved his behaviour at home, the problem was he thought it was such a good idea that I should release it to the wider world. He suggested that he can't possibly be the only fella at home who is 'domestically challenged' and there must be people all around the country crying out for my courses, either to as joke gifts or actual solutions to their useless loved ones. He was correct.
So 12 months later, it turned into The University of Housework (www.theuoh.co.uk) and somehow something that started as a joke at my husbands expense had turned into a joke at potentially thousands of others.
As of this moment, we have 7 different online training courses designed to poke fun at your useless loved one and teach them a key life skill. Dishwasher Operation, Ye Olde Washing-up, Washing Basket Target Practice, Laundry Lectures, the list goes on. It is a noble quest, but I really hope my passive aggressive gift solution could now benefit lots of other people in similar situations.
If you are suffering in your own home with a useless, incompetent or lazy loved one, take action now! Get to The University of Housework and enrol them on one of the hilarious online training courses. The perfect gift idea for public birthday parties :)
More info: theuoh.co.uk
