Personal secrets come with a given understanding that this confidential information shared with you is something you shouldn’t share with others unless you’re undoubtedly sure it’s okay to do so. Or so a lot of people think.
As it turns out, some have a totally different view of how these things work. When this Redditor shared her secret of being an affair baby with her husband’s family, it didn’t take long for it to become general knowledge. When no one involved in this deed saw anything wrong with what they did, the woman was left devastated. Scroll down to read the full story!
More info: Reddit
Some people cannot be trusted with secrets no matter what, and it's painful when they see no problem with it
Image credits: ERIC MUFASA (not the actual photo)
A woman loves baking and was supposed to bake a cake for her niece's birthday party
Image credits: meijii (not the actual photo)
A few days before the party, she learned that her in-laws blurted out her secret about being an affair baby and an orphan to their friends
Image credits: freestocks (not the actual photo)
She lost it and told her sister-in-law that she would no longer be baking a cake for her niece's birthday despite it being only 3 days away
Image credits: No-Note-3098
The woman's in-laws were enraged, calling and messaging her husband until he got fed up and blocked them
The OP began by sharing that she loves baking and often makes things such as cakes for friends and family. So, with her niece’s birthday coming up, her sister-in-law asked her to bake a birthday cake, which she was happy to do.
The woman was honored by this request as now she officially felt part of the family. At some point, she even shared one of the deepest secrets with them about being born out of an affair and later growing up in a foster home due to her parents passing away and having no other family members who would want her.
However, things took a turn when, a few months later, the OP ran into one of her in-laws’ friends, who was notorious for being a bad gossip. She went out of her way to stop the author and show malice disguised as concern, asking questions about when she and her husband are having kids and pretending to worry about them because of the woman’s past.
The poster felt betrayed. She told her husband about what happened, and he then confronted his family, who kept defending their actions by saying that they only shared it with a close circle of friends and arguing that people would’ve found out about it anyway.
Understanding how little her in-laws cared about what they did to her, the woman told her sister-in-law she would no longer be baking the cake despite only 3 days remaining until the niece’s birthday. This made the husband’s family mad, and they kept attacking him with calls and messages to the point where he had to block them.
The commenters jointly stood by the OP, agreeing she was not the jerk in this story. While some pitied the woman for the difficulties she had growing up and this recent betrayal she had to endure, others commended her for how strong she was and reassured her of what a good husband she had.
Image credits: Marina Utrabo (not the actual photo)
Betraying someone’s secret that they specifically asked you not to tell is wrong in almost every single scenario. But if you don’t know exactly where someone is coming from, it might still be a little difficult to understand why it is such a big deal for them. So, to help us get a better insight into why this situation hurt the OP as much as it did, we reached out to Jennifer Shindman, who is a child, adolescent, and adult psychologist.
When it comes to children born out of an affair, there are many difficulties that they might run into during the course of their lives, especially in childhood, which vary due to numerous factors. These include the community’s cultural view on affairs, the structure and stability of a child’s home life, and whether they’re blamed or feel responsible for any existing family problems. “Individual traits of the child are critical as well, including their temperament, personality, resiliency, and ability to positively cope with difficult situations.”
The expert explained that some of the most crucial things that children need from caregivers to grow up to be emotionally healthy are love, safety, and validation, which makes the situation all the more complicated, as the OP was orphaned as a girl. “Parents and caregivers help tint the shade of the lens that their children see the world through, so it is less about shielding children from hardships and more about teaching them how to cope and persevere through them.”
There are many internal and external battles that children in such situations might face. “Depending on their developmental level, children may struggle to reconcile how their mother or father is “good” but did a “bad” thing,” said Jennifer, adding that kids learn by categorizing, and if they’re young enough, they may not yet be able to think abstractly and judge only behavior, not the whole person.
People learning about the world through categorization also comes into play when talking about discrimination. “Discrimination happens when we erroneously categorize a group of people based on something about them and subsequently treat them poorly without truly knowing or understanding them.”
Many things, like misunderstandings, personal and global judgment, and fear, can fuel discrimination. “If people view someone that belongs to a certain group as less worthy or globally bad, then it becomes easier to justify treating them poorly,” Explained Jennifer, saying that since having an affair is usually categorized as bad, the person who had it seen as bad. And for children, there sometimes isn’t a big difference between a parent and a child when it comes to something like that.
In a hypothetical situation where the expert would have to work with someone who has dealt with such situations in their life, she said she would start by helping them understand that humans are fallible and can sometimes be cruel. “At the same time, I would make sure that they are treating themselves with grace, kindness, and compassion, and [that they] understand that just because someone thinks or says something, does not make it true.”
Jennifer explained that it’s very important for people dealing with this to know that hostility toward them is not their fault and that it’s possible to prepare for it if they’re likely to experience it in the future. However, while it is entirely their decision, keeping it a secret is rarely a good option. “Shame leads to us hiding something about ourselves because we think others would reject us if they knew it. If experiencing rejection often, a person may start believing that there truly is something wrong with them,” said the psychologist, summarizing that a detail or characteristic about someone does not define them.
In the end, everybody who has a secret usually keeps it for a reason. It might not always be the best way to cope with the things that they try to hide, but it’s never something that someone else should decide. And if they start taking steps towards opening up by sharing their secret with you, help them by listening and not gossiping about it with others.
What did you think of this story? Do you think keeping a secret is ever a good idea? Share your thoughts below!
People in the comments were very supportive of the poster and shocked by the insensitivity that her in-laws displayed
