We can't choose family, but we can choose whether we want to talk to or spend time with them once we're adults. And a part of Americans chooses to go no contact with their siblings: 24% of adults in the U.S. say they are estranged from at least one sibling, according to a recent YouGov poll.
This woman started considering cutting contact with her sister over a particularly nasty Thanksgiving weekend. After the sister threw multiple tantrums, the pregnant woman had enough and decided to cut her out of her new family's life. But, after family members started calling, she wondered: was she being the jerk in this situation?
We reached out to the author of the post, u/BrilliantMagazine826, and she kindly agreed to tell us what her relationship with her sister is like a year later. Read our conversation below!
Two sisters got into a dramatic fight during Thanksgiving weekend with their extended family
Image credits: AirImages / Envato (not the actual photo)
By the end of it, one sister decided to cut the other out of her life for good
Image credits: carlesmiro / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: drazenphoto / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: BrilliantMagazine826
The Redditor has reconnected with her sister since then, but says she still hasn't dealt with the trauma that causes her to act like this
In a surprising twist of events, the woman told Bored Panda that she has reconnected with her sister. u/BrilliantMagazine826 says that after she gave birth, she saw no point in continuing the feud. Instead of engaging in family drama, she now removes herself from uncomfortable situations.
"As my husband and I continue reconnecting with my family, we've agreed on certain boundaries," the Redditor tells Bored Panda. "My sister isn't allowed at our house, we stay in a hotel if she's hosting (which she's told my parents hurts her feelings), and I don't attend family events without my husband. I also make sure I always have my own transportation in case I need to leave early."
The woman never got an apology for this particular weekend, perhaps because the sister was intoxicated. Either she doesn't remember or pretends not to. "My sister and I now have civil conversations," u/BrilliantMagazine826 says. "I still have my guard up, but she's met my son several times, and we've gone this last year without any fights."
Both the Redditor and her brother chalk the incident up to alcohol. "My brother and I recently realized we haven't seen our sister truly sober in about five years. That's a heartbreaking thought. Before all of this, she was brilliant, strong, and full of potential."
"Something changed in college. She was [attacked] and, during her final year, dropped out with only seven credits left to graduate. Around that time, she was also in an [violent] relationship — her boyfriend convinced her to move out of state, and my dad had to fly out a year later to bring her home."
"Since then, she's never really opened up about what happened. My parents have offered to pay for therapy for years, but she refuses, saying it doesn't help."
The Redditor isn't ready to cut off her sister, believing family members deserve forgiveness
A lot of people (parents included) advised the Redditor to cut her sister off. Yet, she's too much of a family person to do that. "They're my village, and I love them deeply. People you love can hurt you, and it's up to you to decide whether they're worth forgiving," she explains.
"Over the past year, I've thought a lot about what forgiveness really means," she goes on. "I like to believe I've forgiven my sister, but part of me struggles to call it true forgiveness when I still have reservations about her. I think of true forgiveness as completely letting go of the past and restoring the carefree relationship we once had — and honestly, I'm not there yet."
Still, u/BrilliantMagazine826 remains hopeful that she and her sister will be able to have a relationship in the future. "I've found peace with my family for now. We have the same family events coming up — including the Saturday after Thanksgiving — and I'm hopeful this year will have a better outcome than the last."
Adult siblings become estranged for myriads of reasons, from jealousy to parental favoritism
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
When we're children and teenagers, we might throw around phrases like "I hate my brother/sister!" often. But when we're adults, these words carry much more weight. And once we grow up, we might not see the value in maintaining a relationship that only brings us anxiety, hurt, and headaches, even if it is with a sibling.
When speaking about sibling alienation with The New York Times, professor of sociology at Ohio State University Rin Reczek, who studies familial estrangement, said that the reasons for going low or no contact may vary. Some of them may include:
- mental health problems;
- issues with substances;
- poor communication within the family;
- geography;
- issues about aging parents: caregiving, estate planning, etc.
But clinical psychologist Laurie Kramer, PhD, explains that many sibling relationships go south because of perceived favoritism. Whether it's from parents, other members of the family, or just that one sibling seemed to have more luck in the world. She lists some more possible causes of sibling estrangement:
- Jealousy, which most likely stems from childhood, results in sibling rivalry;
- physical or emotional aggression, like the one demonstrated by the sister in this particular story;
- entitlement: one sibling may feel that they deserve more attention, success, or help from other family members than their sister or brother.
People do not feel the same kind of pressure to reconnect or keep a good relationship with siblings as with parents
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Deciding to go no contact may seem easy, but such a decision is never made lightly. Some people try to stay on good terms with their siblings even after years of toxic behavior. So, how do people know and decide when enough is finally enough?
Some experts say that it is easier to cut contact with a sibling than with parents. That's why parental estrangement is less common than sibling estrangement. Parents are much more likely to reach out to estranged children because of their role as a parent and shame that they have failed.
"Siblings don't have the same kind of role violation that can produce shame that can serve as a motivator or as an impetus towards repair," psychologist and author of "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict," Joshua Coleman, told CNN.
But there is a caveat: sometimes the relationship might not be worth repairing. According to Coleman, an individual should seek to reconcile with a sibling if:
- they admit they've been acting wrong and promise to change their behavior;
- don't show defensiveness;
- and are willing to respect your boundaries.
When a sibling doesn't show empathy or willingness to repair the relationship, it might not be worth trying. Although Coleman tries to advocate for going no contact as little as possible, he admits that sometimes there is no other way.
He advises individuals to ask themselves: "Are you too sensitive to everyone? Are you constantly ghosting people in every aspect of your life? Are you accusing everybody of gaslighting you if they don't agree with your perception of events? Are you just cutting out one more person because you can't tolerate conflict?"
Coleman recommends taking a break from communication first. After both parties have cooled off, they might start seeing things more clearly. If conflicts persist, cutting ties may be the only option.
"I just remember she was all over me, and I had to push her out of the bathroom twice," the woman described the incident
Some people urged the woman to cut contact: "She was looking for a reason to attack you and will continue to do so"
However, others thought both women were acting immature: "Get some counseling"
