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I (53F) have four children. My BIL just asked to collect them and take them to a family lunch with his mum and cousins. I refused. AITA?
My DH passed away two and a half years ago after a two-year battle with cancer. During that time, family tensions emerged, and things were not good with my MIL, BIL, (former) SIL, and the cousins.
As soon as we told them about DH’s diagnosis, they stopped inviting us to family events
Image credits: Inés Castellano (not the actual photo)
Literally, immediately after we shared the news, BIL and SIL (who live a four-hour drive away) came up for the weekend, claiming they wanted to support DH. However, they then asked to take one of our kids to play with their child at MIL’s house and told us not to pick her up until late afternoon. When we did, we found BIL, SIL, MIL, and the cousins finishing off a family lunch and pool party—something we had always done together.
My husband was hurt, but being non-confrontational, he just asked me to take him home. Later that night, I privately spoke to the family, explaining that DH had limited time left and needed his family. I asked that we be included in future gatherings. They took it badly, accused me of causing drama, stopped speaking to us, and proceeded to post pictures of family gatherings we weren’t invited to on social media.
After a couple of months of no contact, they resumed speaking to us—but only on the day of DH’s first surgery
Image credits: Jon Tyson (not the actual photo)
However, they maintained their exclusionary behavior throughout his illness, leaving us out of birthdays, Christmases, and other events. They only visited him on his sickbed a few times. At his funeral, they attended but left abruptly without speaking to me or the kids. That same afternoon, they blocked me on social media. When I asked why, they told me I was no longer considered part of the family.
Now, they’ve decided they want to see the children. BIL asked to take them to a family lunch but said I am not welcome.
After losing their dad, it would be nice for my kids to have a wider sense of family
Image credits: Lee Myungseong (not the actual photo)
My own family lives a plane ride away, and we only see them once or twice a year. But I’m torn because my in-laws continue to hold this grudge against me and have refused all my attempts to talk to them.
BIL’s daughter (an only child) is the same age as my middle two kids, and he is eager for them to see each other when he’s in town. This aligns with how I was raised—valuing family and sticking together—which is what I want for my kids. But excluding me feels cruel. I don’t want my kids caught in the middle of family drama, and I struggle with the idea of them spending time with people who abandoned us. Turning their backs on DH and the kids while continuing to ostracize me seems unnecessarily harsh, especially since all I ever wanted was family unity during DH’s illness.
The kids aren’t keen on going without me. But MIL isn’t getting any younger, and I recognize that she struggled to cope with her son’s illness, is overwhelmed with grief, and may be scapegoating me. She has started telling people how lonely she is. Her nephew, whom she turned to during DH’s illness, recently passed away, and I’ve heard that his wife (whom MIL relies on) is planning to return to her native Thailand.
I encourage my middle two kids to visit their Gran during their free time on school days (their school is only a five-minute walk from her house)
Image credits: Artem Labunsky (not the actual photo)
But for the youngest (8, still in primary school) and the oldest (18, now at university) to see her, I would need to drive them—a 60-minute round trip—where I am not welcome to stay. I did this once, a few months after DH’s passing, but when I greeted MIL, she turned her back on me and walked away. I ended up going to the local shops and returning after an hour to pick up the kids.
On our first Christmas without DH, one of the cousins messaged me on Christmas Eve, asking to collect all four kids to celebrate the traditional family Christmas at MIL’s house—without me
Image credits: Michael Pointner (not the actual photo)
I was shocked that they would try to leave me alone on our first Christmas without DH. The kids refused to go, saying they wanted to stay with me. My eldest messaged the family, asking why they were behaving this way, and in response, they blocked her too.
I see BIL once or twice a year when he brings his daughter to our house to visit the kids, but the whole situation feels upsetting and baffling. Each time, it just reminds me that I’ve been cast out of the family, and it feels like BIL is merely using me for childcare.
So, AITA for refusing this invitation for my kids, or should I be encouraging them to see the family without me?
Expert’s Advice
This is a really painful situation, and I can see why you’re struggling. You want your kids to have family, but these people have treated you (and them) poorly.
A few key things to consider:
- Your kids’ feelings matter most. If they don’t want to go without you, forcing them might make them feel abandoned or confused.
- You deserve respect. It’s not okay for them to cut you out while expecting access to your kids. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect.
- Boundaries are important. You can let your kids see their relatives if they want to, but only in ways that feel safe and fair—maybe neutral locations or supervised visits.
- Trust actions, not just words. If they truly want to rebuild relationships, they should also be willing to treat you with kindness.
Ultimately, you’re not wrong for protecting your kids from a toxic dynamic. You’re being a good mom by putting their emotional well-being first.
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