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I B(F 40) am married to my husband J (M 44). We’ve been very lucky. We have two great kids, and we both have great jobs. The kids are happy, healthy, and doing well. I think we both agree that we are thrilled with our kiddos. They are kind, interested in everything, and just really cool people. I don’t have much to complain about. I feel a bit bad even asking about this, but it has been really getting me down for quite some time.
My husband has some chronic pain issues
Image credits: Adrian "Rosco" Stef (not the actual photo)
I’ve always been supportive. We’ve been together for 20 years. I’ve bought him massages, neck-pummel electric massagers, and researched doctors and PT specialists, etc. He has always gone willingly and had endless tests. We have a definitive diagnosis and work every day to make sure his symptoms are mitigated as best as we can.
The problem is, no matter how sick I get—which isn’t often (even though I work in a school)—I’m never “really sick,” according to him
Image credits: Bermix Studio (not the actual photo)
I recently had pneumonia and, after a week, finally broke down and went to be seen (I loathe going to the doctor and will only go if I’m genuinely concerned I might be in serious trouble). After I had to go on steroids and antibiotics—which I hate, as they make me feel sicker than I was to begin with—he said, “It’s just bronchitis. That’s what it said on the papers you brought home.” It did say that, but it also said “pneumonia.”
I checked afterward, as the doctor told me it was pneumonia followed by bronchitis
Image credits: Annie Spratt (not the actual photo)
I couldn’t walk to the bathroom (which is attached to our room) without needing to rest. I slept for nearly 19 hours a day while I was sick.
Anyway, no matter what I have—whether it’s a sniffle, a sore throat, or pneumonia—he always has it worse. I could say that my arm is dislocated, and he’d respond, “My arm has been killing me for days.” It’s messing with my head.
Expert’s Advice
I’d encourage you to have an honest and open conversation with your husband about how his responses to your health struggles affect you. Focus on expressing your emotions and concerns without assigning blame. Let him know that while you empathize with his chronic pain, it’s important for you to feel that your own health issues are acknowledged and taken seriously.
His dismissive behavior might stem from his own struggles with pain and a possible sense of invalidation, which could make him overly focused on his own suffering. Addressing this together can foster mutual understanding and empathy.
Consider suggesting couples therapy as a way to create a safe space for these discussions, where both of you can learn to better support each other’s physical and emotional needs. This step could strengthen your relationship and help you both feel heard and valued.
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