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My sister (33) moved a little more than 5 hours away from my family and each of my parents. It’s a hike to get there, and they live in the country. My parents travel up twice a year; my mom is retired, and my dad is a school counselor who is off during normal school breaks. My family (husband and 5-year-old, now 7-year-old) traveled there one summer and spent a few days. We haven’t been in a few years, and I’m getting guilted into going.
When we go there, there’s nothing really to do besides going out to eat
Image credits: Jason Leung (not the actual photo)
They don’t have kids of their own, so there’s nothing for my child to do unless we go out and spend money. We are getting by on what we have, and I work nights and weekends, so it’s hard to get the time off—otherwise, I don’t get paid. I feel like I didn’t move there, so that’s not my problem, and I’m not taking the time off work and spending my money to travel up there.
My sister is the favorite child, and she was able to buy a house
Image credits: Eric Chen (not the actual photo)
I’m still struggling while renting a house. When we go, I feel like they are showing off and making me feel less.
They say they don’t travel back this way because they have nowhere to stay and would have to get a hotel, whereas if we went there, we could use one of their spare rooms
Image credits: Eugene Krasnaok (not the actual photo)
Am I being selfish? Am I the a-hole? Is it me?
Expert’s Advice
In this case, they are not being selfish; they are protecting their time, energy, and financial stability. The situation reflects a long-standing family pattern where one sibling is favored, and the other is expected to do more to maintain the connection. That imbalance can make visits feel more like an obligation than quality time, especially when it requires unpaid time off and extra expenses. Feeling frustrated or resentful in this context is a natural response to unequal effort, not a sign of selfishness.
From a psychological perspective, these feelings often come from unmet needs for fairness, appreciation, and emotional reciprocity. It’s important for them to recognize that setting boundaries is not rejection, and more so it’s self-preservation. They can still value family relationships while choosing to protect their own well-being and communicate honestly about what is and isn’t manageable right now.
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