Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (15YO) am a bisexual trans guy. I’ve been out to my best friend (16M) for as long as we’ve known each other. We’ll call him Simon.
Simon is gay, but pretty in the closet about it
Image credits: Ralf Knüfer (not the actual photo)
He’s only out to me, and one other friend who I introduced him to (15F who we can call Abby). We’ve all kissed each other at different points (yeah yeah, teenager stuff, it was all platonic or sexual, there’s no romantic feelings and it was all consensual and cool. To my knowledge, I don’t think Abby and Simon have kissed on the lips, though).
Earlier this week, I was talking with Simon and Abby and we were just chatting about queer stuff and identity and Simon was making a joke about even being as gay as he is, he’s never kissed a guy.
I sort of raised an eyebrow and asked him what he was talking about, because he’s kissed me
Image credits: Madalena Veloso (not the actual photo)
Simon stuttered and eventually got out that it doesn’t count, because I’m not a real guy.
I took offense to this. I’m not hardcore masc, but I’m leaning more towards that and andro than towards femme. We got into a fight and I’m currently not speaking to him. I feel bad because he’s gone through a lot of confusion through his sexuality to get to the point where he’s just into men. I’m also confused about that part because if he’s only into guys, why did he kiss me if he doesn’t see me as one.
Abby’s on my side but she also thinks I should cut Simon some slack because we’re young and I haven’t physically transitioned yet.
So… AITA?
Expert’s Advice
This is a challenging situation, and it’s clear you’re navigating some complicated feelings around identity and friendship. Here are five suggestions to help you approach this thoughtfully:
1. Recognize Your Feelings
It’s completely valid to feel hurt by Simon’s comment. His words struck at an essential part of your identity, and it’s okay to take time to process your emotions. Talking to someone you trust or journaling might help you clarify what you’re feeling and what you want moving forward.
2. Reflect on Simon’s Perspective
Simon’s struggles with his own identity might have influenced his comment. While this doesn’t excuse invalidating your identity, understanding that his words might stem from confusion or ignorance (rather than intentional harm) could help you approach the situation with empathy.
3. Communicate Openly
When you’re ready, consider having an honest conversation with Simon. Use “I” statements to explain how his comment affected you, such as, “I felt invalidated when you said I’m not a real guy because my identity matters deeply to me.” This approach can encourage understanding without escalating conflict.
4. Set Healthy Boundaries
It’s okay to let Simon know that comments invalidating your identity are not acceptable. Boundaries are about creating a space where you feel respected and understood, which is crucial in any friendship.
5. Evaluate the Friendship’s Value
Ask yourself whether this friendship is providing you with the support and affirmation you need. Friendships can evolve, and it’s okay to take a step back if this relationship feels more harmful than helpful. Surrounding yourself with people who validate and respect you is essential.
You’re handling a difficult situation with a lot of maturity and thoughtfulness. Trust yourself to make decisions that prioritize your well-being and affirm your identity.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.