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I am (40F) and my boyfriend is (36M). Anyway, I usually set a budget every year to spend on everybody. I did that again this year, and he yelled at me, "I make the money, you don't," even though I'm actively looking for a job. Money has been tight, and I thought sticking to the budget that we’ve set every year was reasonable. He has never gotten mad about it before.
My main focus is our 7-year-old daughter, not his family members that we see at Christmas
Image credits: Jonathan Borba (not the actual photo)
However, it seems like this year he cares more about his family having presents than our daughter getting hers. Needless to say, this has upset me. His family members that we see for Christmas are all adults (except for his 5-month-old niece) who have jobs and could buy anything they want or need at any time. I’ve told him this and explained that our priority should be our daughter, not them. When I bring up our daughter and Christmas, he brushes me off.
Another issue is that he seems to care more about his niece than our daughter
Image credits: Humphrey Muleba (not the actual photo)
I understand that he’s excited to be an uncle and cares about her, but he has taken it way too far. I told him when his niece was 4 months old that she would be 5 months at Christmas and wouldn’t even know what Christmas is, let alone remember it.
I said, "You seem to care more about Taylor (his niece) having Christmas than Macey (our daughter) having Christmas"
Image credits: Eugene Zhyvchik (not the actual photo)
He responded, "She's family," referring to Taylor. That hurt me deeply. I guess Macey isn’t family in his eyes?
So, AITA for reminding him that we need to stick to the Christmas budget as we have every year and for wanting to focus on making sure our daughter gets her yearly Santa visit?
Thanks for your opinions, everyone, and happy holidays.
Expert’s Advice
I’d recommend addressing these issues through calm, open communication. Choose a time when you both can talk without distractions. Begin by expressing your feelings using "I" statements, such as, "I feel hurt and undervalued when our daughter’s needs seem to take a backseat, especially during a time that’s meant to bring our family together." Focus on your shared goals as a family, emphasizing how important it is to work as a team when it comes to budgeting and decision-making.
Gently remind him that prioritizing your child’s happiness during Christmas isn’t about neglecting his family but about ensuring your daughter feels loved and included. Be clear about your concerns regarding the budget and fairness in how you approach the holidays. If his dismissiveness continues or if you feel your concerns are repeatedly ignored, couples counseling could provide a safe space to address deeper issues, ensuring both of you feel respected and supported in the relationship.
Remember, healthy communication and mutual respect are essential for navigating these challenges together.
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