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My (28 y/o female) family has been super religious their entire lives—like, eat, sleep, and breathe church, and be at church just about every single day, and “faith comes first, then health” level of religious.
Yesterday was my brother’s (30) ordination into priesthood
Image credits: Julia Michelle (not the actual photo)
It’s kind of a big deal, so about 400 people, including most of my family, were there for a truly impressive celebration. I skipped it, though. I told them I was working, which was true, but I’d known about this event for six months and chose not to take the time off. Now my mom is “heartbroken” over my decision.
There’s a lot of background, but I’ll try to keep it simple: my sister (26) is gay, and when my brother found out by chance while she was still in high school, he outed her
Image credits: A. C. (not the actual photo)
My parents kicked her out—with no money, no job, and nowhere to go. She’s had a lot of mental health struggles since. Years later, we both actually made it and built lives for ourselves. But their plan didn’t work—she’s still gay. So, when she got a girlfriend (who is an incredible human being, by the way), my family banned us from coming home for Thanksgiving. My sister is the kindest person I know and dearly loves her family, so watching all this has been really difficult.
Now, when I try to bring it up—in the most compassionate and respectful way—my mom and brother completely deny that any of it happened
Image credits: Artem Labunsky (not the actual photo)
They rewrite the story to martyr themselves. I’ve even told them that it would be so easy to forgive them if they would just acknowledge that these things did, in fact, happen. But it’s impossible for me to move on like this.
So, where my head is at is this: obviously, my brother would not do the same for me. So… AITA for skipping the most important day of his life?
Expert’s Advice
This is clearly a painful and complicated situation, and it makes sense that you’re feeling conflicted. You want to honor your values and protect your sister, but also navigate deep family ties and expectations.
A few key things to consider:
- It’s okay to have boundaries. Choosing not to attend an event—especially one where you'd feel like you're ignoring unresolved hurt—is a valid way to protect your emotional well-being.
- Your feelings are real and worth acknowledging. You’ve made efforts to talk about the past with compassion, and being met with denial can be deeply frustrating and painful. It’s hard to move forward without honesty.
- Relationships need accountability. Forgiveness becomes much more possible when people take responsibility for past actions. Without that, it’s understandable to take a step back.
- You’re not required to perform closeness. Just because it was a big day for your brother doesn’t mean you owe your presence, especially if being there would have felt inauthentic or hurtful to yourself or your sister.
Ultimately, this isn't about revenge or being difficult—it’s about honoring your values, protecting your peace, and standing by someone who’s been deeply hurt. You’re allowed to choose what feels right for you.
Moderator’s note
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