Hey Pandas, AITA For Thinking It’s Time To Stop Including My Ex’s Dad In Family Holidays?

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I (“Momo,” 45) was married to my ex-husband (“Art,” 49) for nine years, and we have two kids together (19 and 24). I’ve been remarried for seven years, while Art remarried and divorced again and has now been single for about seven years. Art struggles with alcoholism and was in denial for a long time, which was a significant factor in our divorce roughly ten years ago. He’s a binge drinker, going on benders for days or weeks, during which he’s insensible. I took full custody of the kids because I didn’t trust him to stay sober, and he didn’t contest it.

In the early years of our divorce, I really wanted us to be one of those families where divorced parents could still spend holidays together for the kids. But I quickly learned that the stress of holidays and birthdays triggers Art, leading to numerous ruined occasions. He’d show up on Christmas staggering drunk, having driven to my place, crying, insensible, and sometimes bloody from falling. Other times, the kids would pick out birthday gifts for him and wait for him to pick them up for dinner, but he wouldn’t show because he was drunk. It was heartbreaking. Eventually, I put my foot down and stopped inviting him to events.

As a result, I didn’t force the kids to interact with him when they didn’t want to.

Despite our issues, Art and I are on reasonably good terms. We talk occasionally about the kids, and sometimes we share memes. I always invite him to the kids’ events, like graduations or performances, and let him know about important things happening in their lives. He’s welcome to see the kids anytime, as long as he’s sober and they want to see him, especially now that they’re adults.

Eddie is an amazing, kind, and loving person – a quintessential grandpa extraordinaire. Since I had full custody of the kids, I saw Eddie often, and we became close. Art and I both lost our mothers and don’t have relationships with our biological fathers, so Eddie became a surrogate dad to both of us.

Even after I remarried, and though it’s maybe a little unconventional to keep my ex-husband’s dad in my life, I’ve gone out of my way to include Eddie in everything so he wouldn’t be alone – birthdays, holidays, dinners. I cook for him, bake him cakes, buy him gifts, and take him out. He attended my wedding and was in our family pictures. He’s met my new in-laws. I’ve let him take on significant roles in the kids’ lives, such as teaching them to drive and helping them buy their first cars, even when I wanted to do it myself, because it meant so much to him. In turn, Eddie has supported me tremendously, becoming someone I could always count on – something I’d never had before (until my current husband came along).

He enjoys receiving gifts but isn’t great at giving back. He still behaves as though Eddie is the parent and he’s the teenager, expecting Eddie to do things for him while doing little in return. I’ve always tried to make sure Eddie feels celebrated and included when he’s with us.

However, Eddie and I have increasingly had friction, often about Art. Whenever Art is sober for a while, Eddie believes he’s “cured.” While Art’s drinking has improved in recent years, and he’s had some good stretches of sobriety, he was drunk for an entire week just two months ago. My point is, his sobriety is fragile, and you can’t count on it. He might never be “cured.”

Eddie loves Christmas and spoils the kids, so I left him a message asking if he’d like to host a cozy Christmas at his place with the kids. I was thinking, though I didn’t say it explicitly, that Art could join them if he was sober – but the plan wouldn’t hinge on Art being sober, so it wouldn’t fall apart if he wasn’t. I assumed Eddie understood this, as I’ve never been nasty about Art.

It’s been a few days, and Eddie hasn’t responded. I reached out to Art, who told me Eddie had said I was trying to cut Art out of spending the holidays with the kids. Eddie is angry with me and still hasn’t replied to my message.

I’m hurt that Eddie would think this of me. I’ve always tried to include Art whenever possible, but balancing his inclusion with protecting the kids from further trauma has been difficult. I’m even more hurt because I thought of Eddie as family, though I understand he’s truly Art’s family and naturally sides with him. This, along with a few similar incidents, has made me realize that now that the kids are grown, maybe I don’t need to maintain this relationship. Art is doing better, and Eddie is spending more time with him. I’m not Eddie’s daughter. Perhaps this arrangement has run its course.

So, sorry for the long story, but:
WIBTA if I stopped planning special things for Eddie and inviting him to holidays and other events?

TL;DR: WIBTA to stop inviting my kids’ grandpa to events now that they’re grown because he sides with my alcoholic ex-husband?