50 Dark Humor Jokes That'll Make You Feel Guilty For Laughing

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.