48 Of The Most Epic Comebacks That People Came Up With Just Right On Time

A man at work said something out of line and when there was absolutely no reaction from the female employee, he laughed and said, “She didn’t even hear me…”
She turned back to him and said, “No, I heard you, but you’re not my teenage son. You’re my coworker. It isn’t my job to correct your ignorance, it was your mother’s, and apparently she failed you.”.

Context: I'm a gymnastics coach, and sometimes I like to be melodramatic to make my students laugh. Some of them like to match my energy on it.

I had the following interaction with a 9-year-old:

ME: "Hey, you got a problem?"

HER: *looks me up and down, then crosses her arms* "Yeah, I got a problem."

ME: "Well I got a problem, and it's 4 feet tall and wearing a pink leotard."

HER (without taking so much as one nanosecond to think about it): "Well at least your problem's pretty.".

When I was growing up, my very short grandpa measured my height. I was 5'10" that day. He jokingly said, "I'm closer to 6 feet than you are." My grandma immediately replied, "Yeah, closer to 6 feet under!".

Overly condescending boss looking over my work: "Can I ask a stupid question?"

Me, on my last week at that job: "You seem qualified.".

Unit secretary at the ER I used to work at was an absolute treasure, one of the funniest people I've known and took no nonsense. One day a surgeon who was a huge jerk was yelling at her over something completely outside her control, she just got up and walked away without saying anything.
Dude proceeded to lose it even more, one of the ER docs saw her in the supply room asked where she went. She replied "I was going to find who he was talking to like that, cause I knew it wasn't me.".

We had this terminally stupid person who always rolled their eyes at others opinions. One day someone had enough and blurted out, “Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you'll find a brain back there.” Mic drop office moment.

Alex Kapranos (Frontman for Franz Ferdinand) had someone reply to a tweet of his with "I had to Google you."

He replied "I had to Google you too, unfortunately nothing came up.".

When Lady Astor told Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," he famously retorted, "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it".

This kid Tucker in elementary school kept teasing me saying "Hope rhymes with dope".

I responded with "oh yeah, what does Tucker rhyme with?"

His face got very red and he stormed off crying.

This was back when I was in the Navy and I was hanging out with about 6 guys from my department in our berthing. We were kind of teasing one guy off and on about where he was from. He happened to be Ukrainian and had grown up near Chernobyl before he moved to the US as a teen.

Well about 10 mins or so into hanging out we started talking about our preference in women and the convo went as follows:

Ukrainian Sailor: I've always preferred my women to be strong.

My best friend: and irradiated

Ukrainian Sailor: I swear to god if I hear one more Chernobyl joke...

Me: You’ll what? Melt down!?!

One time this big football dude was crossing a bridge in front of me and some dude squared up to fight him. The football dude calmly said "buddy, think about what youre doing, you are the type of guy i fight on the way to fights" and the dude put his dukes down and retreated. Amazing.

This will get buried, but there was a famous court case in which Wlliam F Buckley was called as an expert witness for a court case. Upon cross-examination, the rival lawyer waved a dictionary in the air, saying "have you ever even read a dictionary, sir!?"

To which Buckley replied, accurately, that he had written the foreword to the very dictionary the lawyer was holding.

I once saw a guy quit a job because the foreman was all over him about not working fast enough: “I only work at one speed, twelve dollars an hour.” And then just walked out.

My boss always kept his desk completely clear of anything. Just screens, keyboard, and mouse. One day he comes over to my desk: “your messy desk could mean a messy mind”
Me: “and what does your empty desk mean then?”.

Once I had to call a coworker who had called out sick to ask him a quick question. As the call ended I jokingly said "Ya know, you don't sound very sick."

Without skipping a beat he said "Well you don't sound like a doctor."

I think about that often.

In university, while I was in a course, I just put my head down for a bit and closed my eyes. I wasn’t a sleep or anything but a few minutes later prof calls my name and says “stop falling asleep” and I jolt back up.

The next class, she asks us “what makes a good quality course”. People were giving answers and I decided the put my hand up. She calls on me and I say “It won’t make you fall asleep”. It took a second but the whole class just erupts laughing. Then she ended up laughing too and says “I deserved that”.

We were all playing Mario Kart 8 with the kids the other night and our 11yo tells our 15yo, "I'd tell you to eat my dust but you're so far behind me you'd starve." We had to pause because hubby and I just couldn't stop laughing.

Journalist: What do you think of Western civilization?


Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

My husband was in the closet, checking for suspected bugs, he found some very tiny ones 


Him: "I think they could be mites, but I'm not sure"


Me: "So they're maybies, then"






He didn't find it as funny as I did.

I was the youngest of 3 girls, and my older sisters teased me relentlessly. When I got my first period, my oldest sister said she was going to put up a sign on the corner that said “opkc got her period this month!” I said “That’s fine, I’ll put up a sign next to it that says Sister didn’t get her period this month.”.