Being honest with yourself when it comes to the big questions in life might be uncomfortable, but it’s absolutely essential. For instance, the decision to have children is a massive one. And though many parents embrace their new roles, others slowly realize that they’re filled with regret. And admitting this takes a lot of guts.
Redditor u/MomOfDaYear recently shared her true feelings about parenthood with the r/confessions online community. She explained why exactly it is that she regrets having children, but pointed out that, of course, she still loves them dearly. Read on for the full story and a big dose of reality, without the rose-colored glasses. Bored Panda has reached out to the mom via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
Raising kids can be utterly exhausting, especially if you don't have a strong support network to lean on
Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)
One mom held nothing bad and shared how having children has had a negative impact on her life
Image credits: juliacherk (not the actual photo)
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/MomOfDaYear
The author felt like every aspect of her life has become dominated by parenthood
Image credits: Yan Krukau (not the actual photo)
According to the OP, becoming a mom affected her life in a few major ways. She shared that her life effectively stopped 12 years ago. First of all, giving birth to three children has had a massive negative impact on her body.
She opened up on r/confessions that she has stretch marks all over her body, c-section scars, loose skin, and “weirdly colored nipples.” She also has a massive scar when she “split open all the way.” On top of that, the OP shared that she has “virtually no bladder control” and is forced to wear panty liners.
Secondly, the mom pointed out that she has effectively become a full-time nanny, chef, and maid while ending her career. Reddit user u/MomOfDaYear noted in her post that not only is it exhausting, but she also doesn’t get much gratitude from her three children.
Anyone who’s ever been pushed to their limit, day in and day out, knows how much even a single kind word can help. A lack of gratitude, on the other hand, can have you questioning why you’re breaking your back every single day and whether burnout and exhaustion are all that life has to offer. Having nobody to vent to, whether a friend, family member, or a therapist can make someone feel like they’re completely alone.
And lastly, the mom revealed on Reddit that her sex life is also practically non-existent. She and her husband get intimate with each other only once every couple of months, as he’s tired from work or simply not in the mood.
Though trust, respect, and good communication are the foundation of any healthy long-term relationship, you simply cannot ignore the importance of the physical side of things. Mutual attraction and getting frisky are vital! Romantic relationships flourish when you have emotional and physical intimacy.
It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help, whether from family, friends, or professionals
Image credits: Felipe Cespedes (not the actual photo)
The feelings of regret are, at their core, tied to the negative effects that having children has wrought on the OP’s life. If these issues were solved, the redditor might feel differently about parenting. However, realistically, there’s no easy solution to all of these problems and it will take months or even years to get to a place where someone no longer regrets having kids. Even then, the regret might linger.
If everything seems overwhelming, the first step would be to talk to a therapist who can provide new perspectives and help the parent work through these tough questions. You do not have to go it alone, and it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help.
In that same vein, it’s essential to build up a support network of family, friends, and acquaintances so that you have others to lean on when things get tough. It is unreal how much it helps if you can ask someone to babysit your kids for the day so you have some time for yourself to unwind, rest, and feel like a proper human being again. Parents can’t just be parents 24/7. And even they need to recharge.
Tchiki Davis, Ph.D., writes on Psychology Today that practicing acceptance can help someone deal with regret. “Accepting negative emotions like regret may help decrease these negative emotions,” she explains.
Not only that, she suggests taking the time to make a long list of all of your regrets, whether due to your actions or inactions. “For each one, note down anything you’ve done to correct your behavior and reduce the likelihood of future regrets like this emerging,” the expert writes.
Change starts by prioritizing one's physical, emotional, and mental health again
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
According to Davis, research shows that, generally, people most often regret not doing something rather than doing something, so it’s better to embrace opportunities rather than say ‘no’ to them.
The second step would be to sit down with one’s partner and talk to them about sharing the housework and childcare slightly more equally. Work can be exhausting, but someone who’s left doing the lion’s share of the chores can feel tired and isolated as well. Finding some sort of compromise needs to happen ASAP.
Next, the mom could consider finding some part-time remote work to remember that she’s far more than just a nanny, chef, and maid. Work gives us a sense of purpose in life. And wanting a career doesn’t make anyone a bad parent.
Finally, it might be well worth talking to a doctor and a trainer regarding the negative effects childbirth had on the body. They might be able to figure out a training regimen to improve bladder control (kegels are a godsend!) and general health.
The mom shared some more context in the comments of her post
Some readers shared excellent advice with the mom. Here's what they suggested that she do
