People change. Even those closest to us can turn into someone we barely recognize. And sometimes, it only takes one action.
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A man recently found himself facing exactly that situation after discovering his long-time best friend had been secretly having an affair. What made it more complicated was how deeply connected their families had become over the years.
So he described what had happened to the subreddit r/relationship_advice and asked its members how he should move forward.
This man and his wife considered their best friends “relationship goals”
Image credits: Magnific (not the actual photo)
But he just found out that one of them had been having an affair
Now, he’s unsure whose side he needs to choose
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: The Yuri Arcurs Collection / Magnific (not the actual photo)
And whether his best friend is still someone he can support
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / Magnific (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwaway44999911
When spouses cheat, who do they do it with?
According to Justin J. Lehmiller, Ph.D., who is a Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, infidelity occurs in 20-25% of marriages.
“The results vary a bit across studies, but the best estimates suggest that between 1 in 4 and 1 in 5 spouses cheat at some point in their relationship,” he writes.
And when they do, it’s easy to look back and wonder why it took us so long to notice it. But the reality is that affairs often develop gradually and within close inner circles, which can make them harder to spot in real time than people expect.
In one study, researchers analyzed nine waves of data from the U.S. General Social Survey, a nationally representative survey that is conducted most years. In total, they examined responses from 13,030 Americans collected between 2000 and 2016.
It turned out that most people reported extramarital sex with a close personal friend (53.5%), followed by the category of neighbor/friend/long-term acquaintance (29.4%). So, by and large, affair partners were well known to cheaters.
It was far less common for people to report affairs with a casual date or hook-up (21%).
“These findings suggest that when married people cheat, they seem disproportionately likely to do so with someone they know. Why is that? One possibility is that there are simply more opportunities for cheating to emerge with someone you see frequently,” Lehmiller says.
“However, it could also reflect the fact that when people cheat, they’re often looking for more than just [physical intimacy].”
Who do you support when it’s your friends’ marriage?
“After a breakup—whether it’s one between friends or lovers—it’s not unusual for friends of the twosome to take sides,” says Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., a psychologist and professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. She is also the author of the book Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend.
“Sometimes these decisions are based on the length of their relationship with one person or the other; or they may simply feel closer to one person for other reasons,” Levine adds.
The key is to move on; to acknowledge what happened rather than ignoring it and holding onto the past. This allows people to learn from the experience and surround themselves with those who respect them.
Writer Shelley Emling claims there are five types of friends that are worth keeping:
- Friends who are up for anything;
- Friends who are upbeat;
- Friends who are loyal;
- Friends who make the effort;
- Friends who are honest.
The more boxes someone ticks, the better. So perhaps our Redditor needs to simply take some time and see if his buddy still cares about him, or if he’s just someone he knows.
People who read the man’s story think the situation might resolve itself on its own
