Real friendship, at its core, is reciprocal. It’s a two-way street. You offer respect and you get respected in return. You’re ready to support your pals when they need it and they’re willing to do the same for you. However, this dynamic starts to fall apart if your BFF constantly asks for big favors without ever giving you anything in return.
Redditor u/Alternative_Scar5530 turned to the AITA online group for some impartial advice about a sensitive situation with her best friend, who is getting married. The bride-to-be asked the author to pitch in with organizing the wedding, however, she didn’t invite her to the bridal party. So, the author refused to help with the planning, which sparked a lot of drama. You’ll find the full story below. Bored Panda has reached out to the author, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
If you're throwing a bridal party, it makes sense to ask your best friends to be your bridesmaids
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
A woman opened up about how her BFF, a bride-to-be, didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid, yet pressured her to help with the wedding planning
Image credits: EmilyStock / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Alternative_Scar5530
Truly good friends respect your boundaries and are open and honest with you
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
To put it simply, it’s not fair to ask someone to work as an unpaid wedding planner if you’re not even going to offer them the courtesy of being your bridesmaid. Of course, that decision (whether to help or not) ultimately lies with the friend. But if they say ‘no,’ it’s a perfectly reasonable response.
You have to respect their boundaries and their decision. Meanwhile, there’s a question about how strong the friendship really is if you’re willing to pressure someone to plan the wedding with you while also barring them from being a bridesmaid, a mark of true friendship.
One way to know if your friend really has your back is to see whether they support you no matter what’s going on in your life. Real friends stick by your side despite the ups and downs. However, fair-weather friends only want to be around you when things are nice and easy. They’re nowhere to be found when you have it tough.
False friends are also unwilling to celebrate your successes with you. They might get envious or jealous when you’re successful.
Another sign that your pals might see you as less of a real friend than you do them is that they try to force you to do things you’re not comfortable with. If they constantly disrespect your boundaries, they are essentially disrespecting you. Sure, they might disagree with you (that’s normal and healthy), but they won’t try to push their worldview on you.
A huge part of being a good friend is honesty. Being a friend doesn’t mean automatically agreeing with whatever the rest of your social group says or thinks. Sure, you’re there to support them, and you’ll have their backs when they need it. But you should not give up your individuality, wants, and needs just to be liked.
In other words, if you’re uncomfortable with what your friends are doing or asking of you, it’s vital that you speak up. You don’t have to sound judgmental or anything (they’ll get defensive), but you can tell them how their behavior makes you feel and what you’d prefer to happen in the future.
It's important to give your family and friends the opportunity to say 'no' to your requests
Image credits: Liza Summer / pexels (not the actual photo)
According to Katherine Marie Weddings, before you ask for anyone’s help with the wedding, you should take the time to make a list of everything that needs to be done. If you’re not hiring a wedding planner, you should know which tasks and details you’re very particular about and assign them to yourself.
Then, you should think about who might potentially help with the other tasks, when they need to be done, etc.
However, there are some core things to keep in mind when asking for help. For one, you’re actually asking for help, not demanding that your family and friends help you.
Furthermore, you should be aware that they might do things slightly differently than you might have envisioned. You’ll also likely have to provide all the tools they need to complete their tasks, as it would be unreasonable to expect them to buy them.
What’s more, their refusing to help is perfectly fine. It’s not the end of the world. “They may say no, and that's okay—they may have too much on their plate already, especially if it is a time-sensitive task.”
You should, ideally, give your family and friends a way to politely decline your offer to pitch in with the wedding planning and organizing. The clearer you are with them about what kind of help and how much of it you expect, the easier it is for them to say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’
Often, there are other ways to involve good friends in the wedding, even if they're not bridesmaids
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Meanwhile, Kennedy Blue points out that if you want to tell your friend that she won’t be a bridesmaid, you shouldn’t be too blunt. “Telling someone that they were not selected to be a bridesmaid is crushing. So be gentle with your words, and try to reassure her about your friendship. Spend some time thinking about how you will phrase this decision.”
It’s important to be truthful, of course, but depending on why you won’t invite your friend to the bridal party, you may want to leave out a few details. At the end of the day, your goal isn’t to hurt her feelings.
“Don't stoop so low as to hurt anyone’s feelings intentionally. If you decided not to include someone in your party because the friendship is slipping, it's probably best not to use your decision as a weapon.”
In this context, it’s important to highlight just how much you value your friend because it’s likely that she will overthink things and question your entire relationship.
If, for some reason, you can’t make your friend one of your bridesmaids, you could give her another important, respected role to take on. Kennedy Blue suggests putting your friend in charge of your hair and makeup or letting her be your personal attendant for the Big Day.
You could also involve her in other important parts of the wedding process, such as dress shopping and inviting her to other functions, such as the bridal shower.
But what do you think, dear Pandas? What would you have done if you were in the author’s shoes? Would you have enforced your boundaries like she did or would you have helped your friend plan her wedding regardless of being offered a position as a bridesmaid or not? Let us know what you think in the comments below.
The author later shared more context about the situation in the comments of her post, as it went viral
The vast majority of readers were very supportive of the woman and called out the bride-to-be
A few internet users had slightly controversial opinions. Here's how they interpreted the situation
