There are painful moments in your life when you suddenly realize that years or even decades of friendship might be going down the drain. Someone who repeatedly ignores your boundaries and disrespects you over and over again for their own selfish goals is probably not worth your time, even if they used to be one of your closest friends.
An anonymous woman opened up about her struggles with her (now former) BFF on the popular Relationship Advice online group. According to the author, her friend of twenty years tried to ruin her marriage by blatantly lying about her husband’s supposed infidelity. You’ll find the full story below. Bored Panda reached out to the author of the post, u/TRAawaybadbf, and she was kind enough to answer our questions. Scroll down for our interview with her, including an update on how her former friend later tried to contact her after her lie got exposed.
True friends will have your back, respect your boundaries, and be as transparent with you as possible
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A woman asked the internet for advice after sharing how her friend of twenty years tried to ruin her marriage
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She then posted an update after confronting her BFF
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"The two pillars of friendship are honesty and being there when life gets hard"
Even after the author went no-contact with her former BFF, she still tried reaching out. "Sarah did try to contact me and her mom put her on speaker once, and I told them both that what she did was horrible, that it could have destroyed my life, and that even if the reasons were different I still couldn't trust Sarah ever again," u/TRAawaybadbf told Bored Panda.
"I also told them that I did not influence our friends to choose sides but they have to understand that I can't be around her because she's not a safe person anymore, and I'm not the one who lied, so they trust me more than her," she said.
"I told her I wish her well but just not around me anymore. She did try to apologise again and apologise to my husband too but it just wouldn't be the same anymore."
The author also shared what, from her perspective, lies at the core of true friendship. "The two pillars of friendship are honesty and being there when life gets hard," she said.
"Honesty even when you're in the wrong and need a slap in the face. Being there for celebrations and good moments is easy, but at your lowest is when you'll find your real friends."
Someone who claims to be a true friend will not look for ways to make you miserable
True friendship isn’t something that takes care of itself—it has to be nurtured, invested in, and treated with care. Mutual respect and reciprocity are a must because friendship is like a two-way street: you have to provide something, not just keep taking and asking for favors.
And real friends stick around you through thick and thin, not just when the going’s easy. They’ll celebrate your big wins and have your back when things are tough. However, true friendship also means that you and your pal respect each other enough to be open and honest. Sure, you’ll be supportive, but there are moments when they might need a wake-up call or to be called out for their behavior.
For instance, no matter the relationship, you need to have conversations about your boundaries if you feel like yours are constantly being ignored. The other person needs to know how their behavior affects you and makes you feel. There needs to be clarity for everyone if there’s any hope of the friendship lasting.
Some boundaries sound like common sense: don’t lie to your so-called BFF; don’t try to sabotage their marriage; if you want to spend more time with them, talk to them about it. Friendships can and do change when your buddies get married, have kids, change careers, move, etc. That’s a part of life. But they’re not mind-readers. If you miss them, tell them instead of trying to manipulate them into spending more time with you by harming their other relationships.
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You need to establish very firm boundaries with people who chronically lie for self-gain
The vast majority of people lie; however, they often don’t do so all that often. One study has found that three-quarters (75%) of all people told anywhere between no lies to two lies each day. And most of these lies were little white lies that weren’t of much consequence.
A very small number of people (6%) had ‘bad days’ when they lied far more frequently than usual. And an absolute minority of people (just 1%) seldom lied at all.
Around a fifth of people (21%) lied to avoid others. Slightly fewer (20%) told lies as jokes. 14% lied to protect themselves and 13% did so to impress other people while 11% avoided the truth to protect others.
A small number (9%) lied for personal gain, 5% lied to benefit other people, and 2% bent the truth to hurt others.
It’s not easy being around someone who has a very fluid relationship with the truth. Someone who constantly lies can introduce a lot of stress into your life.
If you know someone habitually lies, it's helpful to look at their behavior patterns instead of listening to what they say
Verywell Mind suggests having strict boundaries with compulsive or pathological liars. For instance, you can make it clear that you’ll support them if they decide to get help (e.g., go to therapy), but other than that, you won’t interact with them if they won’t tell you the truth from here on out.
Compulsive liars often lie out of habit, which they might have developed to protect themselves earlier in their lives. Their lies might have some elements of the truth in them, but it’s not clear which ones.
Pathological liars, on the other hand, tend to lie in order to manipulate the people around them. However, both compulsive and pathological liars might also spin the truth even when there’s nothing to gain from it. In some cases, they might not even realize they’re doing it.
Someone who is a pathological liar might play around with the truth to improve their reputation or status, get some sort of personal gain, or make themselves look far better than they are. A good rule of thumb when it comes to dealing with liars is to look at their actions rather than their words.
Have you ever had a close friend tell you outrageous lies before? Has anyone ever tried to meddle with your relationship? What do you consider to be the biggest signs of a true friend? On the flip side, what are some potential red flags for you that indicate that someone might not be worthy of your trust? Let us know in the comments.
After the post started going viral, the author shared some more context about her friend
The internet was wildly supportive of the author. Here's how they reacted to her story
