Living with roommates can either be the most entertaining and fun experience, or it can be extremely annoying. The latter is often due to careless or inconsiderate people who don’t know how to split chores or care about the needs of others.
This is precisely the type of roommate a woman found herself faced with when she decided to live with her friend. The lady’s aunt had let them live there rent-free as long as they kept the home clean. Unfortunately, the other woman turned out to be very messy and unaware of it.
More info: Reddit
Even the best of friends might end up turning on each other if they live together, and one person has to shoulder most of the responsibilities
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The woman explained that she and her friend Sarah were allowed to live in Sarah’s aunt’s house rent-free as long as they kept the house clean and completed weekly chores
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Sarah turned out to be entitled and inconsiderate because she believed that she didn’t have to lift a finger to keep the house clean as her friend managed it all
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
If the poster didn’t keep the house clean, Sarah wouldn’t do anything, which led to her aunt getting mad at them both
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Sarah again neglected the house when her friend was away, which led to her aunt berating them both , so the poster finally decided to throw Sarah under the bus
The poster was fed up with living with her best friend and having to constantly clean up after her messes. It was only after they lived together that the OP realized Sarah was extremely entitled and believed she didn’t have to lift a finger to keep the home tidy. She didn’t even seem to realize how much her friend was doing to make sure her aunt didn’t shout at them.
To understand more about how to handle conflict situations like this with friends or loved ones, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Aziz Gazipura. He is from the Center For Social Confidence and helps people liberate themselves from self-doubt and social anxiety.
He explained that “this kind of situation is a perfect storm for resentment to build. You’re cleaning up after someone else, and it’s not just about the mess, it’s about feeling like they’re not holding up their end of the deal.”
“When that happens, it’s easy to start thinking, ‘why should I keep doing this? Why don’t they care as much as I do?’ Here’s the key thing: if you don’t address it, that resentment can grow and make the whole living situation unbearable,” he added.
The OP kept having to spend extra time to keep the home clean, and if she didn’t have time, Sarah wouldn’t do a thing. Whenever Sarah dropped the ball on things, they’d both get shouting from her aunt, which would leave the poster annoyed and resentful.
To better learn how to handle such sensitive situations, we also reached out to Galen Emanuele, the president at Shift Yes. He said that “anytime you have a potentially sensitive conversation around giving someone feedback or navigating a conflict, my advice is to go in with some vulnerability, asking for them to have a gentle conversation with you.”
“There's something really powerful about asking someone to respond to what you have to say in a gentle way, and admitting that you have some anxiety around sharing this with them. Saying specifically right up front and during the conversation that the reason you're bringing it up is because you care about them and you care about your relationship with them, and want to be able to resolve things together.”
Dr. Aziz said that in such a situation, “the first step is to have a direct, honest conversation with your roommate. But before you do that, take a moment to get clear on what you want to say. Ask yourself: What’s the specific behavior that’s bothering me? Be as specific as possible. Then, think about what you want to ask for. The clearer you are, the easier it’ll be to communicate.”
“When you bring it up, keep the focus on the behavior, not the person. For example, instead of saying, ‘You’re so messy,’ you could say, ‘I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing most of the cleaning lately, and it’s starting to feel overwhelming for me. Can we figure out a way to divide things more evenly?’ This keeps the conversation collaborative rather than accusatory,” he added.
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One time when the poster was away dog-sitting, Sarah didn’t do any of the chores or cleaning. When her aunt came back, she berated both of the women for not keeping the house clean at all. It’s not possible for one person to shoulder all of the responsibilities, and the poster soon realized she couldn’t keep things up anymore.
Dr. Aziz explained that one should “be ready to set boundaries. If they agree to a plan but don’t follow through, you’ll need to address it again, and this time, with more firmness.”
“You might say something like, ‘We talked about this last week, and I thought we were on the same page, but I’m still finding myself doing most of the cleaning, and it’s really frustrating. I need us to stick to the plan we agreed on.’ It’s okay to let them know how their actions, or lack of action, are affecting you. You don’t have to sugarcoat it,” he added.
The OP hadn’t set firm boundaries with her roommate, so eventually all of her resentment came spewing out. She told Sarah’s aunt exactly why the house was unclean, and she didn’t hold back on anything. Of course this affected the friendship between both of the women, but maybe the poster felt like it was worth it to just get her feelings out.
We asked Dr. Aziz what someone could do if they've tried asking their roommate for help but their words don’t seem to be getting through. He said that “if they’re completely unwilling to step up, you might need to decide how much you’re willing to tolerate.”
“Living rent-free is a big deal, but so is your peace of mind. If the situation becomes unbearable, it might be worth exploring other options, even if it means paying rent somewhere else. Your mental health and well-being are worth it,” he explained.
Galen also added that “it's a great idea for roommates to have conversations right from the outset about who is responsible for what, and clearly express any agreements that are made about roles and responsibilities. The other really important thing for roommates to do is be clear about the ground rules for how to address giving feedback or dealing with any conflicts that arise.”
Sometimes, it’s important to be firm with people who just seem to be taking advantage of your kindness. The OP also told folks that she’d eventually be finding another place to stay. Hopefully she’d not have to shoulder the entire responsibility of managing a house despite having a roommate.
Do you think the woman handled this situation correctly by complaining to Sarah’s aunt? Let us know what you would have done if you were in her shoes.
Folks were divided on the situation, with some siding with the poster and others thinking she had enabled this
