How many men have heard this phrase growing up: "Big boys don't cry"? It probably scarred entire generations, resulting in men who can't properly regulate their emotions and can never express their feelings freely. There seemed to be a change coming with this new generation of parents, but one mother recently shifted the conversation back 50 years.
When she shared a video of herself telling her son to "be a big boy" and to not cry, another father @theblackbarrys reacted with his own take. "A man who can't control his emotions is doomed to fail," he explained, sparking a conversation about emotional validation for boys.
Bored Panda wanted to get an expert's opinion on the situation, so, we've reached out to parent coach and holistic counselor Alita Blanchard. She kindly agreed to tell us why it's important to guide children through emotional regulation and what are the right ways to respond to tantrums or meltdowns. Read her expert insights below!
A father of two reacted to a mother's parenting strategy where she tells her son to be a big boy and not cry
Image credits: theblackbarrys
He explained why such a mindset can be toxic and impact the child's future relationships
Image credits: theblackbarrys
Image credits: theblackbarrys
Image credits: theblackbarrys
The father's video went viral and garnered 2.6M views
Here are three common misconceptions about children's emotions and self-regulation
When it comes to children crying and acting out, parents sometimes tend to think that they're doing it just to be difficult or to manipulate. What they tend to forget is that children aren't adults and don't how to emotionally regulate yet.
Some parents think that big feelings are bad or a sign of a child misbehaving. Parent coach Alita Blanchard says that emotions like anger, sadness, and frustration are not problems to fix, but signals parents need to understand.
"They are messengers," she tells Bored Panda. "When children express intense feelings or challenging behaviors, they are not trying to manipulate or be difficult—they are showing us that they are struggling. It's a signal that they are in a fight/flight/freeze response or that they need support and coaching – NOT punishment and shame."
Some parents also conflate self-regulation with self-control. Blanchard clarifies that self-regulation doesn't mean suppressing your emotions. Regulating means developing skills to move through big emotions with support.
"A child's nervous system isn't fully developed enough to self-regulate alone," Blanchard explains. "They need co-regulation from a connected, present, responsive adult. The adult doesn't need to be perfectly calm, but they do need to be 'regulated enough' to allow the emotions to show up without the adult losing their own control – not easy, though!"
When parents tell boys they should toughen up and not cry, they're doing them a huge disservice. Blanchard points out that boys tend to receive the message that tears and vulnerability are signs of weakness.
But this kind of rhetoric only leads them to suppress their emotions. Those suppressed emotions later come out as anger, withdrawal, or difficulty with relationships. "Boys need just as much emotional validation and space to express their feelings as girls do," Blanchard emphasizes.
Parents need to validate their child's emotions and model emotional literacy
Image credits: Yan Krukau / pexels (not the actual photo)
Responding to a tantrum or a meltdown in a way that's healthy to both the parent and the child can be difficult. Ironically, it requires just as much emotional regulation from the parent to guide their child through their big emotions.
Parent coach Alita Blanchard says that, during a tantrum, parents should regulate themselves first. "Children co-regulate with us," she explains. "If we meet their dysregulation with anger or control, the meltdown escalates."
It is, of course, easier said than done. Emotional regulation can be just as difficult for grown-ups. Blanchard says that it's deep work: "Sometimes it simply is a long slow breath out, reminding yourself [that] 'this will pass' and practicing riding the storm of emotions."
Contrary to what the mother in this video did, parents should validate their child's emotion. Instead of telling them to shut down the feeling with saying 'You're fine!', it's better to acknowledge it and say something like 'I see you're really upset. I'm here with you.'' "This helps children feel understood and safe. Less words, more presence is best," Blanchard says.
She suggests offering the child sensory or movement-based support. "Some kids need deep pressure (a hug, weighted blanket), while others need to stomp, jump, or shake out the frustration. Their nervous system processes emotions through movement. And some need space – but we still need to stay present enough and contain safety."
What the parent says matters, too. Instead of ordering the child what to feel and how to act, parents need to model emotional literacy. Instead of saying "Calm down," they can try saying: "I know this is hard. Your body is feeling everything right now. This will pass. I'm here."
"Outside the moment, practice different regulation tools," Blanchard adds. "Over time, this helps them develop internal self-regulation tools." Reasoning with the child during the difficult moment probably won't work either. That's why Blanchard recommends the method 'Debrief later, not during.'
"Once a child is connected and regulated again, help them reflect," she says. "'That was a tough moment. What do you think you needed?' This builds awareness and problem-solving skills. It's ok if they don't know – go slow."
In the end, emotional support for parents is just as crucial for parents as it is for children. "Many parents feel immense pressure to always respond perfectly, but their own stress and emotional history impact their reactions," Blanchard notes. "Nervous system regulation isn't just for children—it's a lifelong practice for all of us."
People in the comments chastised the mother for punishing her son for showing emotion
