Gen W, also known as Baby Boomers, come from quite a different time. Back in their day, saving face and keeping controversial opinions to yourself was the norm. Life was very different then, but what can be done about the unpent emotional hangover many older folks still carry around with them today, especially when it affects their kids?
A woman recently turned to TikTok to put a name to a common older folks’ parenting style that is still having a detrimental effect on their kids - dishonest harmony. In her video, the mom explains that she regularly encounters resistance from older folks when she tries to bring the subject up.
More info: TikTok
TikTok mom goes viral after revealing a common but problematic older generation approach to parenting
Image credits: parkrosepermaculture
She explained the concept of dishonest harmony, the opposite of honest conflict
Image credits: parkrosepermaculture
Woman said whenever she tried to talk about the issue, she got shut down by older folks
In her video, the woman reaches out to her fellow Gen Xers and Millennials to open up a dialogue about Baby Boomer parents and their need for what she calls “dishonest harmony”. She adds that, while she never experienced this phenomenon growing up, her husband certainly had.
The TikTok mom explains, “So when I've been trying to talk about the toxic ways that we were parented as kids, I get a lot of boomers telling me to be quiet, telling me stop talking about it, we don't need to hear about it, move on, be quiet, be quiet.”
The woman goes on to say that what this is showing is older folks’ lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things.
“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict,” she states. The woman added that the older generation wants to keep quiet about these hard issues.
“Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” says the woman.
She emphasizes that, for Baby Boomers, the important thing is upholding the appearance of harmony, even if there’s nothing harmonious under the surface.
The woman concludes, “I do think that a lot of the desire of boomer parents to have this perception that they put out to the world, that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”
Image credits: Drazen Zigic (not the actual photo)
Watch the full video here
Woman says this backwards attitude drove a lot of the toxic parenting behavior that children of Baby Boomers experienced
Baby Boomers may want to sweep things under the rug to save face, or maybe they’ve just never been given the necessary tools to deal with trauma. After all, their own parents were a product of a society saddled with massive trauma and global upheaval. And the concept of "dishonest harmony" can apply to plenty of people who don't fall into the Baby Boomer category, so perhaps it's best not to generalize too much. On the other side of the coin, there’s a lot to be said for harnessing the power of honesty to forge stronger, more compassionate, and authentic relationships with friends and family.
In his article for Psychology Today, Christian L. Hart, Ph.D., says that our natural proclivity toward honesty seems to be part of our fundamental human nature. Think about it. How often are you skeptical that those around you are lying?
Unless you are unlucky enough to have a big liar in your life, the veracity of someone’s words, whether they be a coworker, sibling, lover, or neighbor, probably rarely comes to mind. We tend to trust. We are generally honest, and we believe that others are generally honest, too.
According to Hart, central to understanding the puzzle of human honesty is to view humans as a social species. We live in groups, cooperatively working toward goals, rearing offspring together, and helping each other out when in need. Our tendency to help others remains intact even when it might come at a cost to ourselves. We choose to do things that support social harmony.
Image credits: prostooleh (not the actual photo)
Hart writes that evolutionary theorists argue that altruism is part of our human nature precisely because it offers more benefits than selfishness. What this means is that, over long stretches of human history, those who were cooperative and trustworthy were much more likely to survive and produce offspring than those who schemed, lied, and manipulated.
When we are honest and trustworthy, word gets around. When people are cheats and liars, the news travels even faster. The same was true for our ancestors. Those early humans who were sincere and true to their word were selected into cooperative alliances. Those who demonstrated a tendency to be unfair and dishonest were ostracized.
Hart goes on to say that the necessity of group living has shaped people into reliable cooperators. From our prosocial ancestors, we have evolved neural hardware that leads us to be mostly honest and cooperative.
Our behavior is driven by that hardware. Our brains are organized in such a way that we feel guilty when we betray someone who trusted us. We often feel squeamish when we lie to those we love. Our self-esteem suffers when we reflect on our dishonesty.
In a sense, then, we are designed to be honest cooperators. And even when the victims of our lies fail to detect our deception and punish us, our own conscience can hold us to account.
Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Hart to get his expert opinion on the matter.
When we asked him if he believes that honest conflict trumps dishonest harmony in every scenario, he had this to say, "We are rarely completely honest with others in relationships. We recognize that relationships are negotiations and collaborations in which we mutually decide where the boundaries are. While most of us hope to have genuine, honest, and open relationships, almost all relationships have certain boundaries around topics of discussion or the types of opinions that can be aired."
We also asked Dr. Hart for one piece of advice he'd offer someone who was struggling with dishonest harmony when dealing with someone from the older generation.
He shared the following, "My advice when there is tension is that people have conversations about the boundaries they can mutually agree on. Sometimes when we share how important something is with people who care about us, they are more willing to be flexible about the boundaries of the relationship. Often we find that there are few people who can be everything for us."
What do you think of the woman’s insights? Does the term “dishonest harmony” strike a chord with you? Have you ever had to deal with a Baby Boomer that wanted to avoid conflict at all costs, even if it was honest? Let us know your opinions in the comments!
The internet thanked the woman for finally putting a name to the all-too-common boomer parenting phenomenon
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
