Different people express their love, affection, and kindness in different ways. The important part is that they find some way to show you that they care about you. But it can feel a bit confusing and frustrating when you see your partner giving someone else far more attention than you. When that ‘someone’ is their own mother, it can feel like you’re directly competing with your in-laws.
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Redditor u/Ecstatic-Air-840 went viral online after asking the ‘Relationship Advice’ online community for help with a sensitive question. She opened up about how her boyfriend got her a far worse gift than his own mother, which makes her feel underappreciated. Read on for the full story and the advice the net gave the woman. Bored Panda has reached out to the author for further comment.
Some people appreciate gifts a ton and also love giving others presents in return. However, not everyone's great at this
Image credits: Kateryna Hliznitsova / unsplash (not the actual photo)
A woman asked the internet for help after sharing how her boyfriend put less effort into her Xmas gift than his mother's
Image credits: Victoria Romulo / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Kateryna Hliznitsova / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ecstatic-Air-840
While gifts can be important, they are far from the only way to show your partner that you love and appreciate them
Some people seem naturally talented at picking out and packing unique presents for their loved ones. Others look like their fight-flight-or-freeze response kicks in when they have to buy or make presents.
But gift-giving is like any other skill: you can improve it. If you know for a fact that your partner feels on top of the world when you put a lot of effort into their gifts, it might be something to spend a bit more energy on in the future. That being said, you also shouldn’t feel like you’re forced to behave in ways that make you unhappy.
There might be other ways that you show your love. While gifts are arguably the most tangible approach, they don’t mean everything. A cozy sweater, picked out with care and given with love, can mean more than diamonds ever will.
Author, speaker, and counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D., wrote The 5 Love Languages, which became a bestseller with over 20 million copies sold. Ever since the publication, popular culture has been brimming with references to his framework.
Chapman argues that there are a handful of main ways that people express and experience emotional affection. One of these is receiving gifts, including surprises, which makes the person feel the most loved.
Another is acts of service, where an individual feels cared for when their partner does thoughtful deeds for them that make their life easier. Something as simple as doing the dishes for them when they hate the chore can make your actions speak far louder than words ever could.
Other people yearn for more physical touch, whether that’s hugging or deeper intimacy. Still others value quality time the most, where their partner gives them their undivided attention. The final love language revolves around compliments and spoken and written appreciation: words of affirmation.
There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to feel loved here. But you do need to be aware of how you and your partner’s lifestyles and characters match up. If your partner wants more physical contact but you show your appreciation for them only through acts of service, then there’s a mismatch.
Meanwhile, if you thrive on words of affirmation but you only ever get physical gifts, there’s also a slight disconnect there.
Image credits: Nini FromParis / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Your partner may have different relationship needs during different situations, and it's vital to recognize these shifts
But as Vox reports, people love in many different ways, not just one. Gideon Park, a co-author of a recent psychology paper examining the academic research on love languages, explains that emotional connections are rich and diverse, so having a narrow understanding of what love is can hinder things.
“It is very likely that in one situation, someone might need a certain type of love or support. Perhaps after losing out on a promotion, you just need your partner to listen and provide you with words of affirmation. Maybe on an anniversary dinner, affection makes you feel special. Or during a particularly stressful time at work, having a partner take on extra household tasks is the best way to support you,” Park says.
"Love is not akin to a language one needs to learn to speak but can be more appropriately understood as a balanced diet in which people need a full range of essential nutrients to cultivate lasting love," the authors of the paper write.
Even if you get a gift that’s ‘worse’ than what others got, it’s not the end of the world, even if it might feel iffy. The best way forward, as with any and all relationship issues, is to talk it out with your partner.
Avoid being defensive or judgmental and just focus on honesty. Nobody’s a mind-reader! Happy and healthy relationships require constant check-ins so you know you’re on the same page. If you keep all of your resentment bubbling inside of you, it’s going to negatively affect your entire relationship, all the while your partner might not even realize there’s something wrong.
In short, if something really bothers you, speak up. Otherwise, your needs will continue to be unmet. It’s awkward and embarrassing at the start, but it’s necessary.
What advice would you give the author of the online story, dear Pandas? How do you think she should tackle this situation? Have you ever found yourself competing for your partner’s attention with their family members or friends?
How would you react if your partner bought you a gift that was nowhere near as fancy as the presents he bought someone else? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this, so share yours in the comments. Happy holidays!
Image credits: Gabriel Ponton / unsplash (not the actual photo)
The author later shared a lot more context about her situation in the comments
Here's what some internet users told the woman after they read about her frustrating experience
