Moving in together with your significant other is a big step! It should be the start of an exciting new era in your relationship. But unfortunately, it can throw a wrench in the works if your partner turns out to be overly controlling, entitled, and utterly unwilling to compromise.
This is what happened to one woman who asked the ‘Relationship Advice’ community to weigh in on her sensitive situation. She opened up about how her boyfriend gave her an ultimatum about moving in together, and shared how she’s stuck facing a huge dilemma. You’ll find the full story and the internet’s advice below.
Couples have to be willing to look for compromises instead of trying to dominate each other with their decisions
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A woman begged the internet for relationship advice after her boyfriend gave her an ultimatum regarding their living situation
Image credits: Ahmet Kurt / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Artur Rekstad / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
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Both partners have to be willing to compromise on some of their wants and needs if they plan to live together
Happy and healthy long-term romantic relationships generally mean that you and your partner are both good at collaboration and compromise. It’s impossible to always get your way. And it’s unhealthy if you try to constantly put your wants and needs above those of your significant other.
It’s much easier to decide where to live when you’re alone. Moving in together is one of those important moments when you will have to rethink some of your assumptions and look for shared interests. You’ll have to think about what area to live in and why, calculate how much rent and utilities both of your budgets allow for, and how much room you realistically need.
Your decision has to make financial sense. If you already own an apartment, it doesn’t make sense to move somewhere more expensive, unless you’re renting your place out. Similarly, it might not be fair to demand that your partner move to an upscale apartment, only to demand that they pay more than they’re capable of with their current salary.
From the woman’s online post, it seems like her boyfriend is unwilling to back down. He might have controlling tendencies. He is trying to pressure her into setting her needs aside, and either pay more for a new place, or let him pay more but take on more household chores. It doesn’t seem fair or logical when the woman already has an apartment that she owns.
The logical thing to do would be to sit down and have a long conversation about what both people want from the relationship, and where they’re (un)willing to compromise. It might be healthy to do a ‘trial run’ of moving into the woman’s (smaller) apartment to see if living together works at all. Once the domestic routine sets in, the couple might discover that they’re not as compatible as they think they are. Or they might have a falling out over the unfair division of chores.
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Typically, ultimatums should only be used as a last resort. If used incorrectly, they can lead to resentment and insecurity, and damage your relationship
Ultimatums are not the same as setting boundaries. Ultimatums should only ever be used as a last resort, when facing a partner’s dangerous or harmful behavior, or when they cross a serious line.
But broadly speaking, ultimatums force unwanted behavior changes by threatening to walk away from the relationship. And so, they can create insecurities, lead to resentment, and create a wedge between partners, Verywell Mind states. In some cases, issuing these demands can, ironically, lead to the end of the relationship you were trying to ‘improve’ in the first place.
According to relationship therapist Darcy Sterling, LCSW, setting an ultimatum is “the relationship equivalent of nuclear warfare.” Sterling states that overusing and regularly issuing ultimatums can be emotionally violent and undermine the security within the relationship.
Meanwhile, marriage and family therapist Andrea Dindinger, LMFT, points out that people make ultimatums when they “feel powerless to change the other person.” She notes that one risk of issuing ultimatums is that you might lose the respect and credibility of your significant other. It can also lead to the loss of self-respect.
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Good communication and setting healthy boundaries are better choices than overusing ultimatums
Instead of issuing ultimatums left and right, you should prioritize open and clear communication. Talk to your partner about how their actions and behavior affect you, be honest and transparent, and build trust. Hopefully, this will eventually lead to them opening up to you in the same way.
“Couples who communicate regularly tend to feel heard and taken seriously by their partners and when that happens, they’re less likely to resort to threats,” Sterling said.
Another alternative to ultimatums is setting healthy boundaries. “Whereas ultimatums focus on behavioral changes we want our partner to make, boundaries focus on us and the things that we require to be happy and feel secure in our relationship,” Verywell Mind explains.
“In particular, communicating our worries or displeasures to our partners can do wonders for our grievances in the relationship. It also helps promote our growth as a couple.”
What do you think, Pandas? What advice would you give the woman whose boyfriend issued an ultimatum about their relationship? How do you think they can ‘solve’ their moving-in dilemma? What would you do if your significant other was unwilling to compromise on such important questions as living together? Share your thoughts in the comments down below!
Readers rushed to weigh in on the woman's relationship dilemma. Here are some of their perspectives
