Some relationships do more harm than good. However, knowing when that’s the case can be difficult, as romantic feelings are often blinding, making the warning signs of unhealthy relationships less visible.
This woman endured a toxic relationship without fully realizing it for 1 and a half years, until she started suspecting her boyfriend of messing with her toothbrush, which he completely denied. So, she turned online for some advice, and after the Internet weighed in, she chose to make an important decision.
Scroll down to find the full story and conversation with licensed clinical mental health counselor Michelle Smith, LPC, LMHC, and Dr. Sarah Schewitz, love and relationship psychologist at Couples Learn, who kindly agreed to talk with us more about the signs of unhealthy relationships.
Romantic feelings are often blinding, making the warning signs of unhealthy relationships less visible
Image cfredits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
Luckily, this woman managed to see red flags in her relationship thanks to a toothbrush and the Internet
Image credits: engin akyurt / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRAbeautifulglow
Realizing that your relationship is negatively affecting your well-being isn’t so straightforward
If a relationship detracts from a person’s overall happiness, it’s a good tell-tale sign that it’s going into unhealthy territory. However, realizing that your relationship is negatively affecting your well-being isn’t so straightforward, as all couples go through ups and downs, and love has a funny way of putting rose-colored glasses on us.
It's also more challenging to notice the signs of unhealthy relationships when a person doesn't have an example to go off of. "Many of us didn’t have healthy relationships modeled for us growing up. We tend to gravitate towards what’s familiar from our childhood and not necessarily what’s healthy. If you grew up in a home with unhealthy relationships, you are more likely to end up in unhealthy relationships as an adult," says Dr. Sarah Schewitz, love and relationship psychologist at Couples Learn.
"We also do not typically see healthy relationship models in the media. Watching a couple on TV handle conflict in a healthy way can be rather boring and doesn’t make for great entertainment. Watching dramatic fights and emotional roller coasters is much more interesting. This has the unfortunate side effect of normalizing unhealthy relationship behaviors and making people think their relationship is healthy because it looks like the ones they see on TV."
Besides, a relationship might start out healthy when things are going well, but the addition of outside or inside stressors can create a strain between partners over time, which happens subtly and isn’t always noticeable at first. If partners don’t acknowledge that their relationship is becoming unhealthy, it can develop into toxic or even abusive behaviors that have a significant impact on one’s health, happiness, and overall well-being.
In fact, poor communication is one of the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Ineffective communication often involves not talking about issues, avoiding confrontation or difficult problems by stonewalling or getting defensive, and expecting their partner to read their mind. This prevents partners from expressing their needs, feelings, and boundaries, which can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.
Another bright red sign of unhealthy relationships is associated with conflict or the lack thereof. "[This] may be a shock for many people! If you are starting a new relationship and you notice your partner continuing to sweep concerns under the rug and not returning to them to provide a proper, healthy repair, this can be a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship dynamic," says licensed clinical mental health counselor Michelle Smith, LPC, LMHC.
"If problems are continuously ignored, not talked through, or the way they are 'solved' is through intimacy, affection, or gifts, your partner may not have the skills to be able to work through conflict, which is a major component of what makes long-term relationships last!"
Some unhealthy relationships can be repaired, but not all
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When a person realizes they’re in an unhealthy relationship and not just going through a rough patch, the first thing they should do is to carefully reflect on the relationship and decide if it’s fixable. Some unhealthy relationships can be repaired, but this requires both partners’ willingness to participate in making it work. If one party is uninterested in changing their unhealthy behaviors, the survival rate of the relationship plummets past the point of saving.
If a couple decides to try and make things work, they have to work as a team to recognize and avoid the unhealthy patterns in their behaviors. This calls for emotional support, active listening, and transparency. Both partners should offer support and communicate in a manner that feels honest and free of guilt and manipulation so they can set healthy boundaries and restore their connection. For this purpose, therapy can be very helpful. A therapist can help the couple identify their issues and teach them new coping and communication skills.
However, not every unhealthy relationship can be saved. If one person has no interest in changing, or the situation involves any form of abuse, ending things could be the best way to protect oneself.
Leaving an unhealthy relationship is far from easy, but what can help is reaching out and opening up to loved ones. They can offer emotional support as well as have a place to stay or help move out after a breakup. After ending the relationship, it’s important to take some time for relaxation, sleep, and self-care, as leaving any relationship can feel painful and distressing.
Readers urged the woman to get out of the relationship
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Later, the woman posted an update:
Image credits: ThrowRAbeautifulglow
And readers were glad that she was able to get help so quickly
