76 Men Whose Weaponized Incompetence And Infuriating Habits Just Had To Be Shamed

No matter how much you love your partner, there are bound to be some things they do that irk you. After all, relationships inevitably involve a little give-and-take, and no one is perfect. Occasionally, yes, there will be a wobble. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

As couples therapist Dr. Kyle Killian, author of Interracial Couples, Intimacy, and Therapy: Crossing Racial Borders, writes for Psychology Today, being annoyed by your partner doesn’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible or that your relationship is in trouble. Rather, he suggests, “If you really bug each other—and sometimes it is actually funny how ridiculous something seems to us—this might actually bode well.” Annoyance is the opposite of apathy, after all. So occasional annoyance could be seen as a sign that the relationship still has some “energy” or “sparks.”

Of course, there are the garden-variety habits that inevitably show up once a relationship has graduated from fairytale to reality: things like not replacing the milk, licking a plate clean, scrolling at dinner, or leaving cupboard doors open. They’re a little less attractive, sure, but they’re human, and some of us can live with them.

In fact, writing for TIME, Kira Asatryan, relationship coach and author of Stop Being Lonely, suggests that being comfortable enough to show these kinds of quirks can actually be a good sign. “Expressing one’s authentic self—oddities and all—is a sign of a healthy level of comfort in a relationship,” she writes.

But that doesn’t mean every small annoyance should simply be tolerated—or, at the other end of the scale, that it means the relationship is doomed. As Killian notes, “Partners’ rough edges and differences in personalities and habits can be sources of friction and shine a light on areas where relationship improvements can be made.”

In other words, some irritating habits may be worth addressing because small adjustments can benefit both partners. “Instead of doomsday, it might mean there are opportunities for growth, and there’ll be plenty of fresh food in the fridge and nonexpiring Spam in the pantry (in bulk), for the remainder of your journey together,” he writes.

So the problem isn’t that our partners occasionally drive us crazy. It’s what happens when those little things start piling up—when those little irritations become persistent and start to really get under our skin. In these cases, Dr. Sabrina Romanoff tells SELF’s Jenna Ryu, it’s best to address them early, before resentment builds and you snap.

For these conversations to be productive, Romanoff recommends focusing less on what your partner is doing wrong and more on how their behavior affects you and what you’d like them to do differently. In other words, don’t just criticize—make a specific, actionable request and focus on finding a solution together.

For instance, rather than saying, “It’s so annoying that you don’t clean up after yourself and I’m stuck washing your dirty dishes,” Ryu offers a more constructive alternative: “I’ve noticed the dishes pile up in the sink. How about we clean them together right after we eat, so they don’t linger and start to smell?”

Of course, that approach only works if both partners are actually willing to engage with the problem. Because there’s a big difference between genuinely not knowing how to do something and repeatedly doing it badly enough that someone else has to take over. Maybe it’s the laundry, the dishes, the trash—or some other seemingly simple task that somehow becomes someone else’s problem. When “I don’t know how” or “you do it quicker, better, faster” becomes a recurring excuse, there’s a name for it: weaponized incompetence.

You’ve likely seen the term thrown around on social media over the past few years, but it’s not without its problems. And there’s an important (and perhaps reassuring) distinction clinical psychologist Dr. Jelena Kecmanovic points out in a piece she wrote for The Washington Post: “Not all incompetence is intentional.” Someone might genuinely lack a particular skill, especially if their partner has traditionally taken care of that task. But being unable to do something and being unwilling to learn how are two very different things.