You’ve probably heard it before, but the very best revenge is a life well lived. If you’re happy and healthy and in a great relationship, that’s the biggest victory right there. However, sometimes, that’s easier said than done because a part of you might want to rub that happiness in the faces of all the people who hurt you in the past. This might not be the healthiest way forward.
An anonymous person went viral after asking the AITAH online community for advice on a particularly sensitive situation in their relationship. According to the OP, they called off their wedding after their fiancée insisted on inviting her ex-boyfriend, who had treated her horribly. Scroll down to find the full story and the internet’s advice. Bored Panda has reached out to the author for an update. We’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from them.
It's a massive decision to call off your wedding, and it's not something that anyone does lightly
Image credits: Alena Darmel / Pexels (not the actual photo)
A person turned to the net for help after canceling their wedding because of their partner's wish to invite her toxic ex-boyfriend
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwaway_44484
It's helpful to evaluate your relationship even before you get engaged, to avoid having to call off the wedding
Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Ph.D., an expert on relationships, writes in Psychology Today that few people want to make the decision to call off a wedding. However, it’s one that needs to be made depending on the situation.
“Rather than putting yourself through such an unpleasant and difficult experience, it’s much better to take steps in your relationship now that will help prevent such an outcome,” he suggests.
“Before the relationship gets so serious that you’re considering engagement, take some time to really think about what a future relationship with your partner looks like. Are you truly compatible, not only in your day-to-day living, but also in terms of your values? Sit down and picture what your future life will look like with your partner. Envision that relationship both in good times and in bad. Do you like what you see?”
According to Lewandowski, the couple needs to take the time to evaluate the relationship early on. That way, both people will be aware of any potential red flags.
“Don’t get so wrapped up in falling in love that you’re forgiving major issues like constant conflict, emotional abuse, or cheating. See them for who they are now, well before you’re planning a wedding. Compatibility counts… is this the type of relationship you always wanted?”
If you feel lots of negative feelings about your partner even years after having broken up, a good therapist might be able to help you
Sometimes, the past is best left in the past. Traumatic experiences can shape you. And it’s completely valid to feel however you feel about having suffered in the past. However, you have the power to reframe your experiences to empower you, instead of letting them continue haunting you.
Depending on how traumatic those events were, you may need to reach out to a mental health professional. However, keep in mind that therapists and counselors—no matter how educated, talented, and empathetic they might be—are not wizards. They can’t wave a magic wand during your sessions and make all of your issues go away.
Therapy, real therapy, requires a lot of hard, emotional, and often uncomfortable work. The process can be harrowing, but the end result is worth it if you can heal and move on with your life feeling much more confident than before.
Someone who still feels fixated on their ex-partner after years of not having talked to them may need a mental health specialist’s insights to figure out why this is happening.
Maybe they’ve been so hurt by them in the past that they want ‘revenge.’ Perhaps they never got the closure they wanted. Or they might still crave their approval even though they know it’s not healthy. Or it could be a combination of different reasons. But this is all speculation. It’s up to the client to work together with their therapist to really get to grips with the fixation on their ex.
Both partners need to feel comfortable enough to talk about how each other's behavior affects them
No matter how mature and emotionally sound someone might be, it’s still not a very nice thing to realize that your partner is thinking about their exes. Feeling a twinge of jealousy sometimes is normal. Of course, we’re all human, and this can happen accidentally.
If someone was a big part of your partner’s life, it’s natural that they’ll remember them from time to time. However, it becomes an issue if they’re constantly thinking about them, whether fondly or in anger. This sends the message that you might not be your partner’s main priority.
If you feel upset because of this, it’s better to speak up instead of keeping your feelings inside until they turn into resentment. Having a few open and honest chats about the state of the relationship can help you work through things.
Just remember that the manner in which you tackle these topics is as important as the information you share with your partner. If you’re angry, accusative, and judgmental, you risk pushing your significant other (even further) away.
So, it’s often best to use lots of “I” statements about how you feel when your partner says one thing or does another. Another fundamental part of having these mature conversations involves actively listening to your significant other. What’s their side of the story? What’s their interpretation of what’s been happening in your relationship?
Hear them out instead of just waiting for your turn to speak. Relationships require mutual respect, patience, and looking for compromises. It’s supposed to be an ongoing dialogue, not a monologue, vent, or sermon.
What advice would you give the author who reached out to the internet for help, dear readers? Do you think they did the right thing calling off the wedding? What advice would you give anyone hoping to move past a bad relationship? Share your thoughts in the comments.
The person later opened up a bit more and shared some additional context about their relationship
Many internet users thought that the author was well within their rights to call the wedding off
However, not everyone was convinced. Some readers called the person out for how they handled the situation
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The author came back to provide an update
Image credits: throwaway_44484
Want to make sense of complicated human dynamics? Visit our Family Dynamics Hub for expert-backed guides on toxic behavior, setting boundaries, and emotional healing.