Call us naive and old-fashioned, but we still believe that if you choose to have children, you decide to do so out of love for your partner and because you genuinely want to be a parent. One of the worst reasons to have kids is simply because you feel pressured to do so by your family and social circle.
Redditor u/TimeladyA613 turned to the Childfree online group for advice after revealing the outrageous and bizarre reason that her brother keeps having children with different women. He is now expecting his fifth kid. Scroll down for the story in full. Bored Panda reached out to the author of the post, u/TimeladyA613, and she was kind enough to answer our questions about the sensitive situation with her brother. You'll find her thoughts below.
Generally, when adults decide to have children, they do so because they love each other and want to be parents
Image credits: Jpavaliuk/Envato (not the actual photo)
One woman shocked the internet after revealing the utterly bonkers reason why her brother keeps having kids with multiple women
Image credits: puhimec/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TimeladyA613
"Having kids is not like buying a dress. You cannot trade it or ask for a refund if you decide it doesn't suit you"
We asked the author how she reacted when she learned that her brother would be having yet another child. She opened up to Bored Panda that she was "disappointed and worried."
"It already falls to me to take care of some of his expenses when it comes to school fees and medical aid. I just feel like he is being very irresponsible and inconsiderate, not just towards me but the women he is having children with," u/TimeladyA613 said.
"I think he takes what our cousins say to heart because they are older than us (some are older by more than 15 years) and they are in my culture what some people would call 'proper traditional men.'"
According to the author, her older cousins have multiple kids with multiple women, which may be why her brother wants to follow in their footsteps. "In my culture, at least with outdated beliefs, men are praised for this (they even joke about 'taming' and 'conquering' women) and I don't understand it."
We asked u/TimeladyA613 how someone can tell whether they're ready to be a parent, as well as how to resist the pressure from their family. "As a childfree person and an overthinker, I would say, only with careful consideration of pros and cons (financially, psychologically, emotionally) and when you're sure. Because you can't un-have a child. You can't take it back," she told Bored Panda.
"I always say to my family when they pressure me: 'Having kids is not like buying a dress. You cannot trade it or ask for a refund if you decide it doesn't suit you.' A lot of people think childfree people are cold and unfeeling, but that is not true. Personally, I have considered all sides and decided that it's not for me. So only you can make that decision."
She urged people to stand firm in their beliefs if they feel pressure from their family and society. "If you decide to change your mind (which is fine but not mandatory), do it because it's what you want to do. If not, that's also fine. Don't let the bullies and peer pressure win. This is your life, no one else will live it for you," u/TimeladyA613 said.
"You will be the one waking up at 3 a.m. to take care of that child. You will be attending PTA meetings and nursing fevers... The 'relatives and society' may not be there."
Whether or not to have kids is a very personal decision, and nobody should feel pressured by their family one way or the other
Image credits: Pressmaster/Envato (not the actual photo)
One of the fundamental signs that you’re a decent parent is that you are present in your children’s lives. If you have lots of kids with multiple partners, it obviously makes it very difficult to spend quality time with them.
So, as you’re less present in their lives, you may not satisfy their emotional needs of having a second parental figure in their lives. Not to mention the very practical fact that if you have to pay child support to support multiple families, your own finances will be strained and you’ll have fewer resources for your current partner and children.
Not every relationship will work out, and many couples do break up or end up getting divorced. However, this does not excuse intentionally hopping between partners and getting them pregnant just because someone in your family pressured you to prove that you’re a ‘real man.’ It’s reckless. It’s unethical. And it puts into question your life goals.
Being pressured to have children is nothing new in many cultures around the globe. That being said, you still have free will and feel in your gut whether you’re ready to become a parent right now or not.
According to Psyche, it’s perfectly fine to be undecided about whether to become a parent, as it’s a very personal question that many people grapple with.
In order to decide what you really want—to have kids or to be childfree—you have to investigate what it is you really want out of life. A part of this includes listing any fears that you have associated with becoming a parent, whether they’re related to your age, finances, relationship status, regrets, or any other worries.
Meanwhile, you can also do a little thought experiment where you pretend that you’ve already made a decision and see how it affects your life. Then, make the opposite decision and see how you react, too. Lastly, consider what factors it would take for you to say ‘yes’ to becoming a parent or living childfree.
“Ultimately, the goal isn’t for others to feel good about your decision to become a parent or to live childfree. The goal is for you to feel good about your decision. You want your decision to come from an internal place of knowing, not as a reaction to forces outside of you. Only you can know what’s true for you.”
Truly good parenting often comes down to finding a balance between discipline and nurture, while prioritizing proper communication
Image credits: BGStock72/Envato (not the actual photo)
Being a good parent is largely a matter of practice, having good values, being a good communicator, finding a balance between nurture and discipline, and having high emotional intelligence.
ParentCo shares a few tips for how adults can tell that they’re being great parents. One major sign is that your child displays a range of emotions with you, and you don’t shut them down or distract them from their feelings.
Another sign that you’re parenting well is if your kid isn’t afraid to come to you when they’re facing problems and they can discuss their thoughts and feelings with you freely.
“Awesome parents give non-critical feedback about behavior and avoid labels such as ‘bad’, ‘naughty’, ‘greedy’, and ‘lazy,’” ParentCo notes.
Great parents also encourage their kids to pursue various interests and talents, create boundaries to keep them safe, and fix their own mistakes when they (inevitably) make them. “Although it’s tempting to look for signs of successful parenting, such as reading levels, whether they eat the ‘right foods,’ or win on the football field, successful parenting is about providing a secure base for your child. This creates a place from which your child can thrive. It consists of an ongoing lifelong relationship not contingent on external results, but rather on love, respect, and connection.”
What are your thoughts, dear Pandas? What was your reaction when you learned the real reason why u/TimeladyA613’s brother keeps having kids with many different women?
What advice would you give someone to help them resist their relatives’ pressure when it comes to starting a family? What, for you personally, is the sign of a truly great parent? We’d like to hear your opinions, so if you have a moment, share them in the comments.
The woman later shared more context in the comments of her post
Many internet users were flabbergasted by what they read. Here are some of their reactions
