It’s normal at the beginning of a relationship for people to “analyze” their new partner. After all, the couple needs to find out if they’re compatible.
However, there comes a point where that scrutiny is no longer about getting to know someone but about projecting your own fears and insecurities onto them.
And Reddit user Pleasant_Mission_63 thinks her fiancé and his family have crossed that line. In a candid post on r/AmIOverreacting, the woman revealed she was subjected to a gold-digger test without even realizing it.
This woman was actively preparing for her fiancé’s “financial struggles” his family kept talking about
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
But she recently realized it was all a lie
Image credits: Jordan González / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Later, the woman said her fiancé gave her some space to process the whole ordeal
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
So-called gold-digger tests might be becoming more popular
Lately, stories like this—where a man or his family tests a new partner to see if she has any ulterior motives—have been appearing all over the internet. And while some of them might be just a figment of people’s imagination, meant to score cheap likes, Christine Rafe, a Sydney, Australia-based relationship expert, sees this trend as symptomatic of a broader cultural shift.
"The rise of 'gold digger tests' reflects the growing gender divide and rhetoric on social media and 'alpha male podcasters' suggesting heterosexual women only want the 'top 10 percent' of socially, financially and physically attractive men," she explains.
"This baseless theory, popularized by Andrew Tate and his followers, encourages men to be suspicious of women's intentions, leading them to 'test' financial expectations by making women pay for dates or lying about their jobs to see if they stay interested."
According to Rafe, everything's then worsened by political advocates calling for a return to traditional gender roles.
But they are manipulative and seriously damage trust.
The relationship expert believes there are healthier ways to navigate financial expectations, such as learning about your partner's hobbies, lifestyle, travel plans, values, and then putting in the effort over time to learn about the way they handle bills and other expenses.
She also encourages self-reflection. "If you have concerns about expectations or motives in dating, explore them through therapy or journaling to understand where your views on status and money come from, and what a healthy relationship looks like," Rafe adds.
"When discussing these topics, share your vulnerabilities rather than projecting insecurities."
Eventually, the woman's fiancé found her anonymous online confession and put two and two together
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
She decided to call off the wedding
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pleasant_Mission_63
In-laws or out-laws?
Whatever you might think of the Redditor's decision to break up with her fiancé, there's a good chance there would have been even more conflict with her in-laws had the two of them tied the knot.
A study published in the Evolutionary Psychological Science journal found that both men and women report having more conflict with their mothers-in-law (44%) than with their own moms (39%).
The majority of conflicts between spouses and their mothers-in-law revolved around, surprise, surprise, finances and child care.
The researchers suggested that these conflicts may be "influenced by genetic conflict" as each person "unconsciously acts in the interest of their genetic kin" instead of in each individual's best interest.
"This genetic conflict may cause affines (in-laws) to disagree about the distribution of resources and investment, just as we see mothers and fathers disagreeing in these domains," the authors of the paper wrote. "Our results are consistent with the hypothesis that genetic conflict may underlie negative social interactions that occur in affinal (in-law) relationships."
The researchers noted that animosity between in-laws is also likely due to the fact that they "do not choose to have relationships with one another" but are forced into familial bonds as "unintended consequences" of their children's romantic relationships.
But as this post showed, you can't forget everyone's own baggage, either.
The woman engaged with people in the comments
And they didn’t think her reaction was unreasonable
