Some people have dreamed about their wedding from when they are little and almost have it all planned in their heads. Even if you don't particularly care about the ceremony, you still have preferences for color, style and other things.
While those decisions should be made by the future groom and bride as it is their wedding, sometimes parents get overly involved. But this woman not only has to bear her mother-in-law who proclaimed herself as the wedding supervisor, but her husband isn’t on her side either. They got in a fight over what makeup she should wear and she now thinks that she might have overreacted over a minor detail.
More info: Reddit
Woman is getting married and after compromising on what dress she should wear, she is not stepping down about her makeup
Image credits: Lucy Maude Ellis (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) is the future bride and she wasn’t planning on marrying her fiancé any time soon, but when the couple told his parents that she is pregnant, they wanted it to happen immediately. Most probably it has to do with the fact that the family is conservative, as the woman described it.
The parents not only want the couple to get married as soon as possible, but the OP’s mother-in-law wants to know about every decision so she can make sure nothing could be seen as “offensive.”
Bored Panda reached out to Scott R. Braithwaite, Ph.D., a Professor at Department of Psychology at Brigham Young University and a researcher whose main interests center on preventing marital distress and divorce as well as enhancing marital health, which involves an intervention called ePREP that he developed.
The Professor explained to us what may be the reasons behind the parents wanting to be so involved in their children's weddings. The question we should be asking is whether weddings are for the couple or for their parents, "The answer people give probably depends mostly on whether they are the couple or whether they are the parents. In any case, parents often see a wedding as a public report card signaling how they did as parents. Because of this, they are eager to manage the situation so that they come across looking as successful as possible."
The groom's family is conservative and his mom is supervising the wedding to avoid any decisions that could offend anyone
Image credits: Lth35467
At first the mother-in-law warned the bride-to-be not to show too much skin with her wedding dress, but when she tried to control what makeup the woman will be wearing, the OP was not willing to step down.
The problem is that it was OP’s husband who pointed out that his mom wouldn’t like the bold makeup looks that the woman preferred. When she saw what her MIL suggested, they were very natural looks that didn’t even include eyeshadow or noticeable lipstick.
The husband demanded a compromise because he felt that she would look like a clown and embarrass them both in front of everyone. Because it was not only her face, as there is no distinction between "mine" and "yours" in marriage, according to him.
Professor Braithwaite comments on the man's understanding of marriage as many people in the comments were quite concerned about this view, "In an ideal situation, both partners retain their individual sense of self but choose to come together to create a new whole that is greater than the sum of its parts—that is interdependence. This process is complicated and can lead to a lot of growing pains as a couple moves from the independence of single life to the interdependence of marriage. A risk in this process is losing one's sense of self, which can lead to dependence. Dependence seems romantic but is unhealthy. It leads to an enmeshed relationship where it’s not clear when one partner ends, and the other begins."
Firstly, she didn't like the dress as she thought it revealed too much and the bride agreed to change it
Image credits: Lth35467
These little disagreements may be surfacing only because everyone is irritated and stressed about the upcoming wedding, but it's hard to say what actually is going on their minds, but "The idea that the husband is aligning with his mother and not his wife is a little concerning, even if the wife is being undiplomatic."
It could be that there is a deeper issue and Scott R. Braithwaite adds "Good communication about what's really going on is probably important in the situation. They are quibbling over technical details when something more significant is happening deep below the surface." So he would suggest the couple to figure out how to talk about those issues instead of focusing in problem-solving to improve the situation.
But when the mother-in-law also sent in the makeup looks she envisioned the bride wearing, the woman was upset that they were too natural and not her style
Image credits: Lth35467
Although a wedding is a union between two people, it usually involves more relatives. The father will accompany his daughter to the altar and will have the first dance with her. Sisters and brothers usually become bridesmaids and groomsmen. Your aunt and cousins help you to choose which dress looks good on you, etc.
But sometimes relatives want to be more involved than the bride and groom would want, especially their parents. And naturally, that leads to conflicts, because even if you are not planning anything big or extravagant, they will have a different opinion on something.
What is worse, her future husband agreed with his mother and didn't want her to look like a clown and embarrass them both
Image credits: Lth35467
It is easier when you and your partner are on the same page, but if one of them sides with their parent, it becomes even more difficult. Conscious Rethink suggests that this is the first problem to be solved: “You need to make it very clear to your husband that the two of you are a united team, and that you need to make decisions for yourselves, regardless of what his parents might think or want.”
From there, it is easier to tell the parents your opinion and disagree with them. “Just know that the more you and your husband can stand up and stand firm, the more his parents will eventually get the message. They may resent you somewhat for it, but unless they are particularly toxic individuals, they should back down sooner or later.”
It is unclear if the parents in the story are particularly toxic and if the husband sides with his mom because he is used to not fighting with her or if he actually agrees with her. However, people in the comments made their assumptions and believe that the bride should run.
Image credits: F. D. Richards (not the actual photo)
The first red flag is that OP’s future husband sides with his mom, so it means that she will have to deal with her interfering with their relationship all the time. They were also weirded out how the man remarked that in marriage, the wife’s body belongs to him when she tried to argue that it’s her face and she can do whatever she wants with it.
When the OP asked if she was wrong to call her fiancé delusional, people thought that it was the exact word that best describes him. Do you agree? Do you think that this behavior before marriage is an indication of what waits after? Let us know in the comments.
People didn't think that the woman would be happy in this marriage and that her mother-in-law's behavior is just the beginning
Image credits: antonio (not the actual photo)
