There is a fine line between protective and overly controlling behavior. But so long as you are open and honest with your spouse, and you’re on the same page when it comes to privacy and autonomy, you should be fine. And yet, even then, someone close to you might try to sabotage your marriage because of their own insecurities.
A traumatized man, internet user u/camerasonwife, asked the internet whether he was wrong to have set up cameras in his home to check up on his wife. The man’s recently divorced sister tried to ruin his marriage after she found out about this, despite his spouse being very understanding of his need to protect her. You’ll find the full story, including the internet’s supportive reactions, below.
Some experiences are so horrible and traumatic that they will haunt you for years, completely changing how you behave
Image credits: Vlada Karpovich / Pexels (not the actual photo)
A married man who set up cameras in his home opened up about why he did it, and how his sister tried to sabotage his loving relationship
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Jakub Zerdzicki / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: camerasonwife
Image credits: August de Richelieu / Pexels (not the actual photo)
What matters here is consent. If there's trust, transparency, communication, and mutual respect, the relationship is on solid ground
The key here is the fact that the author of the story was completely transparent with his wife about his past trauma, fears, insecurities, and his desire to install cameras. He only proceeded with his spouse’s consent. In fact, his partner is so supportive of him and his struggles that she takes extra steps to put him at ease.
“Lisa is amazing and very understanding about this, and she does little things to help, like telling me where she's going and keeping her phone charged so we can always reach each other. I don't get panic attacks or anything when I don't know where she is, and I don't ask her to do this, but knowing her location does put me at ease a lot,” u/camerasonwife explained in his online post.
The couple is clearly on the same page when it comes to the privacy-versus-secrecy debate. And neither partner is overly controlling in a way that would infringe on the other’s autonomy. So, the man’s sister’s attempts to damage their marriage seem unfair. She appears to be more focused on projecting her own insecurities over her divorce from a controlling man than on looking at her brother’s marriage objectively.
However, if all of that transparency, reassurance, and communication weren’t there, you could then begin to wonder whether there are control issues and toxicity at work in the marriage. Some behaviors that feel protective, supportive, and loving at the start of the relationship can be subtle indicators that your significant other is trying to dominate your life to an unhealthy extent.
Overly controlling individuals insist on having things their way all the time and do not take your wants and needs into account. They might use manipulation, threats, intimidation, or even violence to get you to comply with their vision of what your behavior should be like.
This is a toxic relationship that you must get out of in order to safeguard your physical and mental health. You can call or chat with a local hotline for advice on whether you’re in a violent or controlling relationship, and what you should do next. Meanwhile, make sure that you ask your trusted loved ones for support. Come up with a safety plan to ensure your well-being in case of violence.
Image credits: Anete Lusina / Pexels (not the actual photo)
On the other hand, toxic, overly controlling people seek to dominate their partners and force them to change their behavior against their will
People who seek to control you in romantic relationships feel a constant need to be at the center of attention, refuse to accept responsibility for their actions, and are incredibly unpredictable. They often lie to get what they want, and dictate where you can go, who you can meet, how you dress, and what you eat.
“One of the most intrusive ways someone may try to control you is by controlling your movements. They may want to know where you are all the time. Whether it’s by threats, intimidation, or pouting, they try to isolate you from other, supportive people in your life,” WebMD warns.
Controlling behavior can morph into coercive control. This is when your partner tries to outright dominate your life, whether through isolation, threats of violence, or actual violence.
For instance, they might try to make you feel guilty for spending time with your loved ones, put financial, social, and other barriers in place to make it tough for you to exit the relationship, and make you feel fear for your safety and that of your loved ones. They try to make you as dependent on them as possible so that you have little to no autonomy.
In extreme cases, this toxic individual might stalk you, deprive you of basic needs like sleep, embarrass you in public, interrogate you, gaslight you, and scare you. Sadly, the trauma you experience can haunt you even after the relationship ends. It is important that you reach out to a mental health specialist to help you process what happened so that you can start to heal.
Controlling behavior is most commonly driven by anxiety disorders and personality disorders. In the former case, someone who is overly anxious might distrust everyone, so they feel the need to control everything around them to “feel at peace.” In the latter case, personality disorders like narcissistic personality, borderline personality, and histrionic personality can also lead to overly controlling behaviors.
What do you think, Pandas? Do you support the man’s decision to install cameras inside his home with his wife’s permission, or do you think that this sort of behavior is immoral? How would you have handled the situation? What would you have done if you were in the man’s shoes, watching as his sister tried to derail his marriage? How do you protect your boundaries at home? We’d like to hear what you think, so share your thoughts in the comments.
The man shared even more details in one of the comments
Most readers were incredibly supportive of the traumatized man. Here are their perspectives and pieces of advice
