Even if you haven't gone through losing a loved one, you understand that there is a lot of pain and sorrow a person is experiencing. So you try to console the person any way you can. But to what lengths can you go? At what point do you draw the line and leave the person to get a hold of themselves on their own?
This father thought that sacrificing his own kids’ vacation is not that big of a deal if he can take his widowed cousin’s kids on that trip. The mom was absolutely furious and canceled the vacation altogether and now both of the parents are not on speaking terms.
More info: Reddit
Man thinks his cousin's children deserve a family vacation more than his own because their mom recently passed away
Image credits: Kosala Bandara (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) is the mother and she was planning a family vacation in a ski resort out of state. She was the one paying for it and although the budget was tight, she managed to organize the vacation in a way that included both of her children.
Although the woman had barely enough money to cover her own children, her husband thought that they should take his cousin’s kids too as they recently lost their mother. The husband felt really sad about his cousin losing his wife because the two men were really good friends as well, but the OP started to see that her husband cared for his relatives more than needed.
At first when the OP refused to take her niblings on the vacation, her husband suggested some compromises but none that would have worked. It seemed that he dropped it, but he actually went behind his wife’s back and booked tickets to the resort for himself, his wife and his cousin's kids.
The husband’s excuse was that his cousin needed some time for himself and the kids needed a change of scenery more than his own kids. The mom understandably was stunned and couldn’t believe that the father of her children would be prioritizing someone else’s kids.
The poster of the story is the mom and she was the one planning the family vacation out of her own pocket
Image credits: u/Specific-Main5699
The dad tried to convince the OP that his children, who are up to 10 years old, would understand that they are giving away their vacation to their own cousins because they are grieving and need the fun more. He also threatened to make sure their kids know what a cruel mom they have for not wanting grieving relatives to feel better.
When Bored Panda talked to Neil D. Brown, LCSW who is a psychotherapist trained in family therapy, he told us that he thinks kids of that age wouldn't have understood even if the adults agreed on sendin only the cousin's kids to the resort, "It would have built resentment and confusion among the children. If all the children went together it would be fun for all. Otherwise, it’s a bad decision for all the kids."
The mom also believed that it was unfair that their family vacation wouldn’t include their own children, so she canceled the trip, which made the husband so angry that the couple can’t speak normally as the man keeps throwing fits and blaming the woman for ruining it for everyone.
Because her husband's cousin's wife recently died, he thought that it would be nice to take his children on the vacation
Image credits: u/Specific-Main5699
It is important to support a grieving friend or family member because death always jumps on us unexpectedly, even if we see it coming. It may be hard to go on and to complete even the simplest tasks because the sadness in their heart is so heavy and prevents them from thinking and caring about anything else.
But what is appropriate to do in such a situation? What is not enough? What is too much?
However, the woman barely had money to cover her own children, so she refused even though she was sorry for the kids not having a mom anymore
Image credits: Nenad Stojkovic (not the actual image)
Image credits: u/Specific-Main5699
Various resources suggest just listening when the person wants to talk and not trying to minimize their pain by trying to explain the death, trying to tell them that their late loved one is in a better place and similar things that we unconsciously tell people. Keeping in touch is what makes the biggest difference.
They also remind people caring for grieving friends and relatives that the person will have mood swings and it’s important to give them time to heal. And when you're offering help, it is useful to just be available, but also be bold and suggest the things you can help with because “It may be difficult for a grieving person to ask for help when they're already feeling vulnerable.”
Also, because they are grieving, they might not “have the capacity for this type of critical thinking” when it comes to prioritizing things that have to be done.
The husband was so determined to take his niblings on the vacation that he bought tickets for them instead of his children, sure that "they would understand"
Image credits: u/Specific-Main5699
The most valuable thing that the grieving person is most grateful for is just being there for them, so what OP’s husband was doing was going above and beyond which is not necessarily bad in itself, but the wife was concerned that he put someone else's children’s happiness above his own kids’.
Neil D. Brown told us that he actually understood the husband wanting to help the husband, but the way he chose to do that wasn't the best, "The husband made a unilateral decision to change a plan made jointly by him and his wife. He had no right to do that so her canceling the trip makes sense. This couple then make accusations and call names which perhaps goes to the heart of the matter and explains why they can’t have an adult conversation about how to deal with Dad’s feelings of concern or Mom’s ideas about best ways to help the cousin and his children."
The mom was furious that her husband would put someone else's children before his own and canceled the vacation altogether
Image credits: u/Specific-Main5699
Naturally, the husband was very angry, calling his wife selfish and cruel and felt embarrassed to tell the family that he isn't taking the children skiing after all
Image credits: Nenad Stojkovic (not the actual image)
People in the comments weren't as understanding and thought that the husband wasn't thinking straight and maybe just wanted to score some karma points. They also were confused about what his own children were supposed to do after their parents and cousins were away. Some of them suggested actually good advice which involved the mom going on vacation with her kids and the husband babysitting his cousin's children as it would achieve his goals.
Do you think the dad was going to an extreme? Do you think he just genuinely wants to help his cousin to get back on his feet quicker and provide his children with stability and a normal family experience? Do you think the cousin’s children are his responsibility because he is their dad, even though he went through a traumatic loss? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Redditors thought that the wife was being fair as it was her money and that the husband just wanted to acquire the image of a generous man
