A little disclaimer before we start telling this story. As a father of 3, two of whom are nine-year-old twins, I perfectly understand the heroine of this story. I understand her motivation and pains, so it will be easy enough to narrate. Well, the disclaimer is over, we can move on to the story itself.
The user u/vacationslayer238 recently shared this tale on the AITA Reddit community, racking up over 16.6K upvotes and around 4.2K various comments in less than a week. Not all of the folks there were actually parents with many kids, but most of them sided with this mom. And now let's get to reading...
The author of the post and her husband have three kids - two sons and a toddler daughter
Image credits: Allen Taylor (not the actual photo)
The main problem is that the boys, 8 Y.O. and 9 Y.O., constantly fight with each other like cats and dogs
Image credits: u/vacasionslayer238
The mom wasn't sure a family trip to the seashore would be a nice idea, but let her spouse convince her
Image credits: Alex Jumper (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/vacasionslayer238
The trip turned out a total nightmare because of their elder sons' misbehavior both in the car and in the hotel
Image credits: Min An (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/vacasionslayer238
The mom ended up making a decision to come back home, despite her husband's and her own mother's objections
So, the Original Poster (OP) and her husband have three children: boys aged 9 and 8 and a 3 Y.O. daughter. And, as is often the case with twins and kids with a small difference in age, the older children usually drive the parents literally crazy by constantly arguing, fighting, well, like cats and dogs. According to the mom herself, they've tried countless times to reason with their sons, but nothing had even the slightest lasting effect. Quarrels and fights continued.
And so, this summer, the family, including the OP's mother, decided to go to the sea, which meant, in particular, a 3.5-hour drive. Before starting the trip, the author of the post consulted with her husband, wanting to know how reasonable such a vacation would be at all, taking into account the behavior of her sons, but the spouse still persuaded her. Looking ahead - in vain. Already in the car, the elder kids put the adults on edge, but the parents vainly believed that everything would be better at the hotel. Again and again, I repeat - in vain.
In the hotel, restaurant and on walks, the behavior of the OP’s sons became completely unbearable. They played petty tricks on each other, hid and ran away from their parents, were cursing... the OP's patience snapped on the beach, where the kids, on top of everything else, moved farther and farther from the shore with each entry into the water, completely ignoring parental warnings. As a result, the mom finally said that they were all going home - even though they had spent no more than a day on vacation.
Of course, there were more tears, oaths that now their behavior would be impeccable, husband’s reproaches that their youngest daughter did not deserve being deprived of a fun trip. And, what is most offensive to the OP, in her own words, were the attempts of her own mother to present her as a kind of monster to her beloved grandkids. However, the author managed to negotiate with her spouse, they got into the car (the grandma stayed behind), and went home.
The return trip was all sobbing, the tension was so palpable that you could almost feel it, and in addition, the OP’s mother and husband in two voices continued rebuking her for her heartlessness. But the OP herself was sincerely sure that 8 and 9 years old is a sufficient age to begin to understand the consequences of your own deeds.
Image credits: Markus Winkler (not the actual photo)
If we abstract from the specific problem, namely the misbehavior of the OP’s elder children on this particular trip, and consider the issue more broadly, then the parents should probably consult with specialists. In the end, such behavior affects not only the boys themselves, but also their younger sister, who constantly sees before her eyes an example of how to treat one's siblings.
"Basically what we found was that in sibling conflicts, the amount of quarreling, fighting and conflict in which the older sibling engaged in... made younger siblings more likely to engage in those same behaviors," Deseret News quote BYU associate sociology professor Bert Burraston. “There are two very important things (parents should learn). When they see children fight, they need to teach them pro-social ways to solve problems, not just let the older sibling impose his will through physical force.”
“The second is the importance of monitoring - who the older sibling is bringing into the house, who he and the younger children are hanging out with, where they're hanging out and what they're doing,” Professor Burraston notes. As for this single episode from the life of the author's family, judging by the opinion of the majority of folks in the comments, she did exactly the right thing.
Commenters do believe that the mom is really trying to teach her older children to feel the consequences of their actions, and that the dad’s (and especially grandma’s) reaction in this case was completely wrong and immature, because they actually undermine the mother's authority in the eyes of her own kids. "Maybe let dear grandmother take the boys over a weekend (at her house) and the rest of you go on a mini break," one commenter wrote rather sarcastically. Well, it might actually work... What do you think?
Most commenters sided with the author, but some people quite reasonably noted she should perhaps turn to a psychologist over such kids' behavior
