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Hey Pandas, I need serious advice.
I (f14) have solid, concrete evidence that my father is cheating on my mother. I can see what apps my father has on his phone via family sharing, and while I was scrolling through them for fun, I noticed he had dating apps installed.
He installed Tinder in 2015, but he and my mom got married in 2007
Image credits: Nathan Dumlao (not the actual photo)
I’ve suspected he’s been cheating since about 2022, but I haven’t spoken up about it at all. To my knowledge, my parents have a closed marriage.
This isn’t the first time I believe my father has been lying
Image credits: Mika Baumeister (not the actual photo)
He’s lied about being a smoker in the past (he insists he doesn’t smoke, but he comes home smelling like smoke, and his car has cigarettes in it). So, he has a history of lying to us.
He also works from home about 50% of the time and travels a lot for work, so he would have opportunities to cheat
Image credits: Oleg Ivanov (not the actual photo)
Should I say something, or should I forever keep my silence?
Expert's Advice
This is a tough, emotional situation, and it's completely understandable to feel uncertain about how to handle it. Here are a few thoughts and steps you might consider as you think about what to do.
1. Take Care of Yourself
First and foremost, this is a lot to process for anyone, especially for you as a teenager. It’s natural to feel angry, sad, confused, or anxious. Those feelings are valid, and it's okay to take the time to work through them. Talking to someone you trust, like a close friend or a family member outside of your immediate family, might help you release some of the tension and gain perspective. If you have access to a school counselor or therapist, they can provide a safe space to work through your thoughts and emotions as well.
First and foremost, this is a lot to process for anyone, especially for you as a teenager. It’s natural to feel angry, sad, confused, or anxious. Those feelings are valid, and it's okay to take the time to work through them. Talking to someone you trust, like a close friend or a family member outside of your immediate family, might help you release some of the tension and gain perspective. If you have access to a school counselor or therapist, they can provide a safe space to work through your thoughts and emotions as well.
2. Decide If, How, and When to Approach the Subject
Before making any decisions, think carefully about the potential impact of sharing this information. Ask yourself what you hope to achieve if you do choose to bring it up. Sometimes speaking up helps to clear the air, but it can also lead to difficult consequences. You might find it useful to write down how you’re feeling and what questions you have about the situation, as this can help you clarify what you want.
Before making any decisions, think carefully about the potential impact of sharing this information. Ask yourself what you hope to achieve if you do choose to bring it up. Sometimes speaking up helps to clear the air, but it can also lead to difficult consequences. You might find it useful to write down how you’re feeling and what questions you have about the situation, as this can help you clarify what you want.
3. Think About Boundaries
Family situations like this can sometimes draw kids into adult issues that are hard to navigate. Setting boundaries around how much you want to be involved might help you avoid feeling overwhelmed. Remember, you are not responsible for your parents’ relationship; they are both adults, and it’s up to them to navigate their marriage.
Family situations like this can sometimes draw kids into adult issues that are hard to navigate. Setting boundaries around how much you want to be involved might help you avoid feeling overwhelmed. Remember, you are not responsible for your parents’ relationship; they are both adults, and it’s up to them to navigate their marriage.
4. Seek Out Support
Whatever you decide, having someone you trust to turn to will help. A trusted adult, like a relative, family friend, or school counselor, can help you weigh the options and make a decision that feels right for you. They may also offer perspective on whether or not it's a good idea to share this information, and if so, how to do so in a way that is constructive and honest without taking on too much emotional weight.
Whatever you decide, having someone you trust to turn to will help. A trusted adult, like a relative, family friend, or school counselor, can help you weigh the options and make a decision that feels right for you. They may also offer perspective on whether or not it's a good idea to share this information, and if so, how to do so in a way that is constructive and honest without taking on too much emotional weight.
5. Consider If Direct Communication Feels Right
If you feel that you need to confront your father or bring this up with your mom, think about whether you’d like to do so directly or with support. This could mean writing a letter, talking to one of them in person, or talking to both together with someone else present for support.
If you feel that you need to confront your father or bring this up with your mom, think about whether you’d like to do so directly or with support. This could mean writing a letter, talking to one of them in person, or talking to both together with someone else present for support.
It’s clear that you care about your family and that you’ve given this serious thought, which shows a lot of maturity. Take your time, look after yourself, and don’t be afraid to reach out for support from someone you trust.
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