Cheating can take many forms: there’s physical infidelity or emotional infidelity, then there’s one-time things and premeditated cheating. It’s hard to say which combination is the most hurtful, but some people say that the best revenge is to give the cheater a taste of their own medicine.
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This cheating saga comes to you from the guy who got precisely that. The man spent six years being unfaithful to his wife, but pulled a surprised Pikachu face when he found out that his wife had been doing the same thing. The man shared his story online, looking for comfort, yet faced incessant roasting and little support.
Bored Panda wanted to know more about why people cheat and why cheaters feel so blindsided when they find out their partners are cheating too. So, we’ve reached out to Kathy Nickerson, PhD. She’s a licensed clinical psychologist, affair recovery specialist, and author of The Courage to Stay: How to Heal From an Affair and Save Your Marriage.
Dr. Nickerson told us why cheaters don't expect to get cheated on, what drives people to be unfaithful, and whether there’s any hope for relationships after infidelity. Read her expert insights below!
More info: Dr. Kathy Nickerson | The Courage to Stay: How to Heal From an Affair and Save Your Marriage | TikTok
A man was having an affair and started regretting it when his wife was close to finding out
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Right before the whole thing imploded, he ranted about how important his family is to him
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Miserable_Ad_7975
According to an affair recovery specialist, when a cheater gets cheated on, they interpret it as a personal attack they never thought they'd have to endure
Image credits: Pablo Merchán Montes / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Affair recovery specialist Dr. Kathy Nickerson tells Bored Panda that cheaters are often shocked when they find out their partner has also been unfaithful. "It's a fascinating and heartbreaking phenomenon," she says. "You'd think they'd understand, but emotionally, it doesn't work that way."
Often, cheaters have ways to justify their infidelity. They either convince themselves that their infidelity is different and not a big deal, or that their partner wouldn't think it significant. "Some minimize their actions, assuming it was just a mistake or an escape that didn't mean anything," Dr. Nickerson adds. "But when they're the ones betrayed, it suddenly feels enormous, showing them the real weight of what they've done."
Dr. Nickerson notes that some cheaters are driven by ego and narcissism. They believe that rules don't apply to them. "They see themselves as special, different, or entitled, which makes it easy to justify their own behavior," the affair recovery specialist explains. "But when their partner cheats, it feels like a personal attack, a violation they never thought they'd have to endure."
Attachment style also plays a role here, and Dr. Nickerson says that most cheaters have an avoidant attachment style. "They avoid feelings and conflict at all costs because engaging in either makes them feel deeply unsafe."
"At their core, many fear they are unlovable, and when their partner strays, it confirms their worst fear—that they were never enough in the first place," Dr. Nickerson explains. "At the core, being cheated on hurts—even for cheaters. It forces them to confront painful truths they’d rather ignore, making the betrayal feel even more devastating."
For many cheaters, getting caught is a wake-up call: "How did I become the person who did this?"
This Redditor's story illustrates Dr. Nickerson's points pretty well: the man only started appreciating his wife and family when she was about to find out about his infidelity. The man thought that his choice to be unfaithful was separate from the relationship but that his wife being unfaithful was a direct reflection of his own worth.
But why is he only now thinking about the consequences of his actions? Dr. Nickerson says that for many cheaters, affairs aren't about hurting their partners. Many people turn to infidelity to numb their own pain. "But once the secret is out, the reality sets in: they didn't escape their problems—they created more," Nickerson explains.
"In my research, I've found that many cheaters who regret their actions experience a flood of painful emotions—guilt, shame, fear of losing their partner, and even a crisis of self-identity: 'How did I become the person who did this?'"
"They may finally see the disconnect between who they thought they were and what they did, forcing them to acknowledge that the affair wasn't the answer—it was a symptom of deeper struggles they need to face," Dr. Nickerson says.
Affair recovery specialist Kathy Nickerson, PhD says that affair relationships typically don't last
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Although devastating, this sort of situation can serve as a wake-up call for change. "True recovery happens when the unfaithful partner takes full responsibility, acknowledges the deeper reasons behind their choices, and commits to doing the work to heal both the relationship and themselves," the psychologist says.
For the relationship to work post-infidelity, the unfaithful partner must disengage from the affair and genuinely commit to repairing the marriage, Dr. Nickerson says.
"In my research and clinical experience, most affair relationships don't last—especially when they start in secrecy, deception, and heightened emotions. The unfaithful partner may believe they're in love, but that 'love' is often built on obsession, fantasy, escape, and a distorted sense of reality—not true compatibility," the affair recovery specialist notes.
"Once the affair bubble pops and the real-world stressors come in, many realize their affair partner isn't the solution they thought they were. But by then, the damage to the marriage may be too great to repair if they have spent too much time waffling between the two relationships."
Yet people had little sympathy for the cheater: "Typical cake eater"
Surprisingly, others showed some support and seemed to justify his actions
After some time, the guy's wife dropped a bomb he wasn't expecting
Image credits: Miserable_Ad_7975
People had little sympathy this time: "You're both getting your itches scratched"
After the final update, it seems there was no happy ending for the guy after all
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And most commenters thought he got what he deserved
