Sometimes parents face choices like deciding whether one should stay home or both should work, or whether to move for a new job opportunity. But what happens when the safety of your children is at stake?
For one mother, the situation became so dire that she found herself wondering if separating her family was the only way to protect her younger children from her eldest son’s increasing aggression driven by autism.
More info: Mumsnet
Parents usually face difficult decisions, but when a child’s aggression driven by a disorder threatens the safety of others, the stakes become even higher
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Unsure of the financial costs, the author and her husband are considering living separately or placing their autistic son in care
Image credits: Crumplesock
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
As the author's son grows older, his aggression is increasing and is leading to daily injuries inflicted on her, her husband, and their other children
Image credits: Crumplesock
Image credits: Aidan Roof / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Worried about her son's growing strength, she spoke with social services who stated that it is now a case of abuse and that her other children need to be protected
Image credits: Crumplesock
The author faces a choice of placing her son into care or splitting her family apart, but she's unsure if she's being unreasonable for considering those options
The Original Poster (OP) explained that her son is autistic with a PDA (pathological demand avoidance) profile, and as any parent of a child with autism knows, managing their needs can be incredibly challenging. She and her husband have been following a “low-demand” parenting style, which allows their son to make decisions at his own pace.
After he was excluded from school, they decided to home-school him, believing it was the best option. They've also taken courses like the At Peace Parenting course, to help them figure out the best way to raise their son.
But despite their best efforts, the OP’s son’s aggression has been steadily increasing as he grows older. His behavior is becoming harder to control, and it’s reaching a point where it’s becoming unsafe for his younger siblings.
The OP explained that despite her efforts to keep the children separated at all times, it’s incredibly difficult to manage when only one parent is home to supervise all three. Unfortunately, the family, including her and her husband, are sustaining daily injuries due to this ongoing aggression.
To make matters worse, the OP’s son has been getting stronger. He’s taken to working out at home, focusing on lifting weights and doing pull-ups. While the OP believes it's fantastic that he’s pursuing a healthy hobby, on the other hand, she’s terrified by how much stronger he’s becoming.
She witnessed him do 20+ pull-ups and deadlift more than 1.5 times his body weight. Her son has also told her that he’s lifting to make himself "the strongest," and to intimidate others. Now, she’s concerned because his growing strength now surpasses hers, and soon, it might even rival her husband’s.
The OP acknowledged that her son's aggression stems from the trauma he experienced in school, particularly the bullying he endured, however, she's mostly worried about the danger he poses to his younger siblings.
She reached out to social services where she learned that the situation has crossed the line into child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse, and they have recommended protecting her other children, but that advice has left the OP torn.
The OP is now considering splitting the family apart, either by putting her son in care or moving into two separate homes to keep the kids apart. The idea of splitting her family apart is devastating, but the safety of her children is the priority.
Image credits: Keira Burton / Pexels (not the actual photo)
To get some professional insight into the situation, Bored Panda reached out to psychologist Florence Okezie, who works with autistic children and teenagers. Okezie suggested that the family consider seeing a psychiatrist for medication to help reduce aggression.
She also emphasized the importance of support, understanding, and encouragement in this situation.
When asked about the potential effects of living apart, Okezie said it could relieve stress in the short term, but warned that it wouldn't be a long-term solution. "It is not an effective long-term solution as the relationship between the parents and the child can suffer," she explained.
She added that placing a child in a care system should be the last resort after exploring therapy options such as TEACCH (Treatment and Education of Autistic and Communication Handicapped Children), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and occupational therapy.
The comments from netizens expressed empathy but pointed out that the situation does appear to be abusive. They advised the OP to prioritize the safety of her younger children. As one user stated, “What you are enduring has been recognized as abuse. You need to protect yourselves and your younger children.”
Others suggested looking into the care route as it could be the best option for the well-being of the entire family. Overall, the consensus was that the mother should not feel guilty for considering a solution that would protect all her children, especially in such a difficult situation.
If you were in the mother's position, how would you approach this situation?
Netizens maintain that while keeping her other children safe should be her priority, living apart is not effective, but putting him in the care system is the best option
