People choose to be child-free for various reasons. It could be a matter of finances, freedom, health, mental health or any other factor. Either way, it’s a personal decision that should be respected. Some couples discuss whether or not they want kids early on in their relationship, others wait until things get serious.
When one woman started dating a guy who was going through a divorce, she told him from the get-go that she doesn’t ever want kids. Already a father, he was fine with it. But now that his divorce is finalized, he’s spiraling and suddenly wants more children. The minute his 45-year-old girlfriend heard this, she made up her mind that she can no longer be with him. He doesn’t seem to get it. And she's wondering how to make him understand. Etiquette Expert Rosalinda Randall kindly offered her advice during an interview with Bored Panda.
Dating someone while they're navigating a divorce can come with its own unique set of challenges
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When this woman's BF started "spiraling" and suddenly did an about-turn on wanting kids, she knew she couldn't stay
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Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
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"Enter with caution and don’t dismiss the red flags": an expert's advice about dating a recently-divorced person
Anyone who enters into a relationship with someone who is going through a divorce, or recently got divorced, must expect some uncertainty. So says Etiquette Expert Rosalinda Randall. Bored Panda reached out to her for some advice on behalf of the woman...
"Sometimes, after a divorce, people go wild and live life elated from the newfound freedom," warns Randall. "But then, when life goes back to normal, friends have chosen sides, the grieving process begins. Not necessarily for their ex, but for what was and not knowing what’s next." During this time, newly-divorced people often do a lot of self-reflection. They might get into "rebound relationships."
"When you are dating a recently-divorced person, their perspective on what kind of relationship they want may change after several months," Randall warns. "Enter with caution and don’t dismiss the red flags."
Randall said she'd advise the woman to trust her gut. "Do you really need an ex-lover as a friend? That would be a big fat no," warns the expert. "Are you qualified or do you have the desire to be his therapist? If your answer is yes, it’s time to re-evaluate why."
Randall says once the woman should ask herself what will happen once she's helped the guy get through the spiraling process. According to her, "You will have succeeded in preparing him for the next girl."
When it comes to the issue of whether or not to have children, Randall says the woman needs to ask herself whether it's only her medical condition that's preventing her from becoming a mom. "This doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t ever want a child through other methods like adoption," she added. "This is important because if he were to re-establish a relationship with his children, they would become a part of your life as well."
Randall says if the circumstances are not conducive to the relationship goals the woman has for herself, it’s time to wish him well and then cut the cord.
As for the man, Randall thinks he should ask himself whether he's able to be alone. Has he ever been single, without a girlfriend? Many men jump from one relationship to another, she says, leaving no time to evaluate whether they want a long-term or a casual non-committal relationship.
The expert says this is fine, as long they are clear about it. "Keeping a girlfriend around so that you don’t feel lonely or until you’re ready to move on is selfish and unkind," warns Randall. "Before you entangle another woman, you need to untangle the relationship with your children; that must be your priority. Get it together and be the first one to humble up and extend the offer of peace with your ex-wife. She holds the key to your children."
The woman gave more info in the comments, as people shared their advice
The woman later gave an update on how things had turned out
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Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Image credits: Guapa79
"What a selfish guy": many people showered her with support
