Carrying down traditions from one generation to the next helps culture to stay alive in families and bonds people in a meaningful way. The only problem is when these practices are forced upon individuals, and they are shamed or guilt-tripped to keep the custom going.
Unfortunately, a pregnant woman felt this kind of pressure as she was expected to follow tradition and use her mom’s name as her baby girl’s middle name. What made it even more complicated was knowing how important the custom was to her mother.
More info: Mumsnet
It’s very special when a parent chooses to name their child after a close friend or family member, but they shouldn’t be forced to do so
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The pregnant poster shared that even though her mom had seven granddaughters, none of them had been given her name as their middle name
Image credits: Brooke Cagle / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The woman knew her mom was hurt that none of her granddaughters’ middle names were used to honor her, so she felt pressured to be the one to do so
Image credits: Alicia Petresc / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The poster would have probably fulfilled her mom’s wish, but since her best friend had passed away recently, she felt she needed to use her name instead
Image credits: MiddleNameDilema
Even though the woman was low-contact with her mom, she felt worried about her eventual reaction to her granddaughter’s middle name
It’s clear from this story that the pregnant woman’s mom has always been unbearable and a toxic figure that she and her other siblings were wary of. It’s no wonder, then, that the older woman kept trying to pressure her children when it came to her granddaughter’s middle names, regardless of their choices.
This kind of naming tradition was indeed seen as a way to honor one’s family heritage and pay respect to loved ones, but forcing it may only create resentment. That’s why many mom bloggers who’ve faced similar situations open up about how much pressure this expectation puts on them, and how it can even ruin relationships.
The OP did indeed feel obligated to give her only child a middle name that honored her mom, especially since her other siblings hadn’t done so. In fact, she had observed her mother’s angry and hurt reaction to her grandchildren’s names, which is exactly why the poster felt so worried about her decision.
According to baby naming experts, a quarter of Americans still choose their parents' or relatives' names for their newborns, because it’s often what is expected of them. Although the tradition might be slowly fading away, some grandparents are still holding onto it, regardless of whether it makes sense or not.
Image credits: Christian Buehner / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
What made the poster’s situation even more complicated is that her best friend had suddenly passed away, and she had always been a source of support and inspiration for her. Therefore, it made sense to honor her late friend’s life by using her name as the newborn’s middle name, but she knew this decision might not go down well with her mom.
It definitely would be tough to explain to her mother why she didn’t follow the naming custom, but psychologists say that it’s important to make such boundaries clear instead of beating around the bush. When it comes to family, being loving and respectful will help when setting these limits, instead of going on the offense.
It seems like the only boundary the OP had set with her mom was to go low-contact with her because of the toxic things that she had done. Experts say that the no-contact strategy is often an extreme way of setting boundaries with narcissistic or manipulative family members, and it can be effective only by being firm.
The problem is that, despite her efforts to cut off contact with her mom, the OP was still heavily influenced by her behavior and emotions. That’s why she felt so guilty about even thinking of a different middle name for her daughter, which she knew would end up causing a huge conflict with her mother.
When the poster asked folks for advice on her situation, most of them told her to be true to her beliefs and not give in to her manipulative mom. What do you believe she should do about this problem? Let us know your thoughts.
Folks felt that the woman should let go of the obligation of using her mom’s name for her kid, and do what she felt was right
