Those looking for a long-term relationship often discuss (not) having children in the somewhat early stages of dating. That in no way means that one should start planning a family with a person they’ve been on three dates with; but having at least a brief conversation about it some more dates later might be a good idea.
That’s because people might have different expectations and it’s important for a couple to be on the same page if they want things to last. Unfortunately, for this redditor they didn’t, as her husband revealed he has two kids, which was something she never wanted herself.
When in a serious relationship, it might be necessary to discuss certain important matters, such as (not) wanting children
Image credits: oneinchpunchphotos (not the actual photo)
This child-free woman said she will divorce her husband if he fights for custody of his two kids he kept secret
Image credits: u/InitiativeDramatic11
Image credits: Jena Backus (not the actual photo)
The number of people who don’t expect to have children is seemingly on the rise
Nowadays, the idea of having children seems to be less appealing to adults than it used to be. Research suggests that fewer of them expect to have kids in their lifetime than before, and nearly 22% of the US adult population are choosing to be child-free. It’s important to note that unlike childless, the term child-free refers to people who explicitly don’t wish to have children, such as the OP, who clearly stated that she didn’t.
The research suggested that child-free people tend to face a set of challenges, as they might be viewed a certain way at work (for instance, their time might be considered “less valuable”, because they don’t have any little ones to rush home to), or have to deal with stigmatization and negative stereotypes from other adults both with and without children.
Researchers have delved deeper into where such stigmatization comes from and found that its main source is moral outrage over violating certain social roles and other stereotypic expectations. The expert leading the study, associate professor of psychology at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis, Leslie Ashburn-Nardo, pointed out that “not having children is seen not only as atypical, or surprising, but also as morally wrong”.
Image credits: Andre Furtado (not the actual photo)
"Participants [in the study] rated voluntarily child-free men and women as significantly less fulfilled than men and women with children," Ashburn-Nardo commented. "This effect was driven primarily by feelings of moral outrage—anger, disapproval and disgust—toward the voluntarily child-free people."
Despite all the stigmatization and negative comments—as well as attempts to convince them they will change their minds—child-free people have their mind made up and typically are not planning on changing it. It seems like the OP is one of such people, as she has not only made up her mind, but taken action about it, too, by undergoing sterilization. As a matter of fact, sterilization is reportedly the most common contraceptive method among women in the US, based on 2017-2019 data.
In the OP’s case, there was more at play than the matter of raising children
But in the OP’s situation, stigmatization or comments about the decision to be child-free weren’t the problem; it was the fact that her husband hid something as significant as already having had children from her.
Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual photo)
A survey of over 2,000 UK married couples, conducted by a UK family law firm, found that roughly one-in-five people keep a major secret from their spouse, Huffington Post reports. The head of family law at the firm, Amanda McAlister, pointed out that people often think it’s many little things that end a marriage; but in reality, “It's normally the case that one lie or one secret is the undoing of the whole marriage."
There might be many reasons people choose to keep secrets in their relationships, though, from shame and embarrassment—which seem to be the main ones, according to some research—to trying to safeguard themselves and the relationship. In the OP’s case, it’s unclear why the husband chose to keep such a secret—and for so long, too—but the cat that got out of the bag was simply too big for the redditor to ignore.
The OP provided more details in the comments
Fellow redditors didn’t think she was a [jerk] in this situation
Some time later, the redditor posted an update, revealing she was divorcing her husband
