ParentingJUN 2, 2024

“Chronicles Of A Clueless Husband”: Dad Details Ways Men Center Themselves Over Their Partners

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Being a parent is never easy. There are a million things that might be bouncing around your mind at any moment, including where your kids are, what they’re going to eat for dinner, whether or not they’ve finished their homework, how you’re going to get the laundry done this evening and more. Add having a useless partner on your plate, and you just might start to lose it.

That’s why one formerly clueless father has been sharing advice online to help other men learn how to anticipate their partner's needs and actually help out around the house. J Fisher has started a series on TikTok titled “Chronicles of a Clueless Husband,” so below, you’ll find some of his best videos detailing lessons he’s learned while taking his marriage from the brink of divorce to a happy, healthy place. Enjoy hearing J’s words of wisdom, and keep reading to find conversations with the father and Psychologist and Marriage Intensive Leader Dr. Wyatt Fisher!

More info: Instagram

It's extremely common for women to be stuck with the lion's share of household and childcare responsibilities

Image credits: Ron Lach / pexels (not the actual photo)

So one father has made it his mission to educate fellow "clueless husbands" on how to turn their marriages around

"One of the things I really try to process now as a middle-aged man is the full extent to which I really thought that I was the main character. Let's give you an example. Early in our marriage, my partner and I, say we'd be going on a trip, my partner would at that point in time be doing the laundry, vacuuming the house, making sure the dishes were done. I would literally think: well, yeah, but you don't have to do that. That's, YOU wanting to do that. It's not what I WANT to do.

She would get everything ready. And eventually, I would say, 'Oh, now it's time to get ready', and have a go, and this is not a joke, this literally happened on more than one occasion. I would get a backpack or suitcase or something. And I would get my own clothes. And I would get 2 or 3 books that I wanted to read. And I would literally bring highlighters because I'm a nerd. And I'd think, I'm ready. I'm ready to go on the trip."

Image credits: jfisher62

"Looking back I'm like, what, WHAT?! How could I possibly think that was okay? And the thing is, when we had kids it didn't stop, right, my partner would do all the work to get all of them ready, and make sure they were bathed, snacks packed, and I would get myself ready. I'd think, oh, I saw my own father do this quite a bit where he would take care of his own needs, so I know I didn't learn it from nowhere. But I also had to UNLEARN it, because it NEVER was okay.

I thought that my role was to do all of these things outside of the home and that the home was, you know, a woman's domain. I saw that modeled and even taught as the way it should be, but oh my gosh, is that not PARTNERSHIP and that sucks. So if you are a person, especially if you're a man, and you think that division of labor is okay, you shouldn't be married, you shouldn't be in a relationship. And I shouldn't have been at that point in time. And that would have made me so so very mad because I would have been like, what more do you want from me? Turns out quite a LOT!"

J has been sharing videos explaining how men tend to consider their own needs above their partner's and children's needs

"Here's part 2 of men centering themselves, versus how women kind of moved through the world. I would wake up sometimes on a Saturday morning after a hard day or hard week of work and make sure I got a shower, and I would do this thing where I would literally massage my knees and stretch out for half an hour. And then I would go running for like an hour, while my partner was taking care of OUR babies, who has been taking care of OUR babies the ENTIRE week WITHOUT a break. And I just kept thinking, well, if you had main character energy, you would get up and you would do the thing, and I would just fill the gap in. But that is such a selfish, self-focused perspective to think that somebody else who's been doing this labor would have to then speak up. But that's how, as men, we are socialized to move through the world!

You just DO WHAT YOU WANT to do WHEN YOU WANT to do it, and everybody else MOVES out of your way. It's almost like being a highway patrol officer who's permanently a highway patrol officer, you're going down the highway, and everyone else starts slowing down and going the speed limit for you. And if you didn't have an intersectional identity, if you never got off duty, you might just think, EVERYBODY drives like that. So as a man, you don't know that people are slowing down around you because they're kind of SCARED of you. Maybe you're actually even a little bit DANGEROUS. Everyone is altering their behavior so that they don't get HURT by you."

Image credits: jfisher62

"I really couldn't see that. So when we bring this conversation into values around having kids, same kind of thing, right? It was a huge priority for my partner to get out on a weekend and not only to have a break from her day to day and taking care of the small babies, on top of me, who would also look to her to fulfill my own emotional and physical needs in ways that were very very childish as well. That is HELL. All she wanted to do was get out and ride bikes with the family, have experiences! Sometimes I would support that, but there were other times when I was, 'Ugh, I really can't because it's not my value right now. My value is to get rest after this long week of work, and I just need to be home. And I would like you guys to be here, and I want to be around.' It's so kind of manipulative and controlling.

But here's the thing, my partner wasn't doing it because her values were just that she wanted to get out, HER VALUES were centered around the experiences of THE KIDS. HER VALUES were centered around how to make the FAMILY BETTER. MY VALUES were centered around how to MAKE ME MORE COMFORTABLE. That dynamic is a LOSING dynamic for EVERYBODY, but especially for women in a relationship, especially for moms, especially for primary caregivers. That's not okay."

He kept the series going by responding to comments from viewers and sharing more of his own experiences

J even revealed what made him realize that he needed to change his ways as a husband

Now, he continues to address issues that are relevant to many couples

"Our hope was that we could help some folks feel less alone while navigating the difficulty of marriage/parenting in a culture that is increasingly disconnected"

To find out what inspired this series started in the first place, we reached out to J Fisher on TikTok, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda. "Credit to my partner (@lotsofjaime) for having the vision to start telling our story on TikTok," J said. "Our hope was that we could help some folks feel less alone while navigating the difficulty of marriage/parenting in a culture that is increasingly disconnected, and also hopefully reach some folks before they might make similar mistakes."

J also opened up about the journey he and Jaime have been on in their marriage. "We are attempting to show up in real time from the messy middle of a long term relationship that holds a lot of beauty but was also founded on poor information that led to a lot of unnecessary pain," he explained. "Through adversity, we have discovered some language that may give voice to the experiences of women and also hopefully can aid men in recognizing harmful patterns of patriarchal behavior in themselves."

As far as why clueless husbands are so common, J says, "Much of men’s self-focused behavior in our culture is socialized and incentivized, but it is important to hear it can also be unlearned. Men are more than capable of being equal partners in carrying the mental load and emotional labor of running a household and parenting. So the thought was men and women alike might benefit from seeing examples and hearing stories of what this growth can look like."

We also asked the creator what he thought of the reactions his videos have received. "It is heartwarming to see folks positively engage with our content and share their own stories and growth. We believe that in telling our specific story some universal truths may be revealed," he told Bored Panda.

"We don’t how our story will ultimately play out. We have a lot of love for each other but also a lot of baggage," J added. "But we are grateful to have an opportunity to work on healing what can be healed and to build community along the way."

Image credits: Pixabay / pexels (not the actual photo)

"Humanity tends to be selfish by nature out of survival from when we're babies, and most people continue that mindset into adulthood"

To gain more insight into this topic, we also got in touch with Psychologist and Marriage Intensive Leader Dr. Wyatt Fisher, who was kind enough to share his thoughts on being a "clueless husband" with Bored Panda.

"Men tend to be more independent and therefore think of their needs first, while women typically 'tend and befriend' by noticing relationship connections more and therefore are more tuned into the needs of others," Dr. Wyatt explained.

However, men aren't the only ones who often have trouble with this. "It's something both genders struggle with," the psychologist says. "Humanity tends to be selfish by nature out of survival from when we're babies, and most people continue that mindset into adulthood."

We were also curious how it might be possible to repair a marriage after years of clueless behavior from a husband. Dr. Wyatt shared that, as long as his wife is willing to give him a second chance, it can be done.

"She would need to see him sincerely own how he's been clueless and insensitive, empathize with the impact it's had on her, and apologize for how it's made her feel," he noted. "Then, most importantly, she would need to see him make changes in this behavior over time that is sustained."

Image credits: Kampus Production / pexels (not the actual photo)

Becoming mindful of our own and our partner's needs is key to having a healthy relationship

We also asked the expert for some advice that he would give to a clueless husband. "I would recommend he ask his partner what her top three 'fillers' are that she needs to feel loved and satisfied and what the top three 'drainers' are that he does that makes her feel negative toward him," the expert says.

"Then, I would recommend he ask for examples for each item so he knows what she's referring to," Dr. Wyatt continued. "Last, I would recommend he ask for feedback on each filler and drainer once a week to see what he's doing well and how he can improve. Doing these steps will open up their communication, heighten his awareness, and hold him accountable to being a good partner."

Finally, the expert added that learning to become an effective partner is a growth area for everyone. "Most people are self-centered by nature not because they are bad people, but because they are human," he shared. "Learning to become mindful of both our own and our partner's needs and letting those two variables impact our decisions moment by moment in our relationship is how we become amazing partners."

We would love to hear your thoughts on these videos in the comments below, pandas. Do you think someone in your life could benefit from these messages? Feel free to share, and then if you're interested in reading another Bored Panda piece discussing similar themes, we recommend checking out this piece next!