Adoption is a beautiful way of weaving together the family of your dreams while also giving a child a safe space they can call home. Although it’s not always easy to go through this process, having complete trust and honesty between guardians and adoptees can really help.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case for one woman who learned that her adoptive parents were actually biologically related to her after taking a random genetic test. Her faith in them was shaken, knowing that they had lied to her for years.
More info: Reddit
Most adoptees yearn to understand their ancestry, which is why this information shouldn’t be kept a secret from them
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster shared that when she was five years old, her family told her that she was adopted, but they never treated her differently and were always kind
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
As a gift to the poster for her birthday, her boyfriend bought Ancestry DNA kits, which she was excited to use to learn more about her biological family
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
What shocked the woman was that her DNA test results showed that her adoptive parents were biologically related to her, including her grandparents and cousins
Image credits: ginger-spice-rice
The poster felt shocked at the information, but was unsure whether to confront her parents, so she even asked her adopted brother for advice
Being an adoptee is a complex experience that comes with a lot of emotions, like love for one’s new guardians and an interest in one’s biological history. The OP may have also felt that way since her birth parents had never contacted her, but when she saw the DNA test, her joyful curiosity must have turned into shock and horror.
Lies and secrets like this can really have a negative impact on an adopted child, which is why Bored Panda reached out to Pamela A. Karanova for her input on this situation. She is the former president and founder of Adoptees Connect Inc., the co-founder of The Adoptees for Awareness Grant, and creator of Adoptee Remembrance Day (October 30).
Pamela explained that “secrecy has been one of the most normalized, harmful dynamics in adoption since the beginning. Many adoptive parents were coached by agencies, churches, and social workers to avoid telling the truth. They were told that love would be enough and that ‘nature’ didn’t matter, that nurture could overwrite a child’s genetic and emotional truth.”
She added that those secrets created a generation of adoptees like herself who grew up in silence, shame, and confusion, sensing that something was off but being gaslit into believing their intuition was wrong. Those lies can even fracture their identity, trust, and belonging, which is exactly what the OP must have faced when she saw the DNA test.
As an adoptee advocate, Pamela Karanova explained that “each ‘clue’ about who we are, and where we come from alters the trajectory of our lives. The truth always surfaces; it might take decades, a DNA test, or a deathbed confession, but it comes. When it does, the damage caused by years of deceit is far worse than the truth ever could have been.”
Image credits: Timur Weber / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The poster’s entire knowledge of her adoptive family turned out to be false because the genetic test clearly proved that they were all biologically related to her. She couldn’t fathom why they would lie to her for so many years or keep this kind of connection a secret, which is why she felt stuck and confused.
In a complicated situation like this, it’s hard to know what exactly to do, but Pamela explained that this is the kind of betrayal that cuts to the bone. “It means someone decided that an adoptee didn’t deserve to know their own bloodline, their origins, or the truth about who they are. That decision doesn’t just shape a childhood, it rewrites an entire life.”
Even though the OP felt hesitant or confused about confronting her family over the results, Pamela stated that “we have the human right to demand answers. I would tell any adoptee in that position: gather your records, print your DNA results, and confront it head-on. The truth might hurt, but living a lie is far worse.”
Her main reasoning behind this is that adoption needs radical transparency so that adoptees don’t have to piece together their history even decades later. Pamela added that “the world needs to stop expecting adoptees to be grateful for lies wrapped in love. We were not blank slates; we were human beings whose stories were rewritten without consent.”
That’s probably why the OP needs to stand up to her family and question them about the lies they told her over the years. Even though it might be extremely tough, she also deserves to know the truth and get a better understanding of herself.
How would you have reacted if you were in the OP’s shoes? Do share your honest thoughts on this story, and whether an Ancestry DNA kit ever revealed fascinating facts about your own biological history.
Folks had many theories as to why the woman’s family would keep such a secret, but they felt that she needed to talk to them about it
