Nobody enters into a relationship thinking they’ll cheat or even that their partner will cheat on them. Loving and committed relationships go steady because both people put in effort to make it work. But when one person doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain, it can have terrible consequences and bring a lot of problems to light.
If your partner cheats, does it justify you cheating on them back? A woman was faced with this exact problem when she found out about her husband’s infidelity.
More info: Reddit
Woman asked people for advice when she found out that her husband was manipulating and cheating on her, which made her want to be unfaithful too
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
A 41YO woman said her 15-year marriage was dead and that she felt nothing when she found out her husband was having an affair after coming across his messages
Image credits: Jay Wennington (not the actual photo)
She said that she didn’t want a divorce because it would be time-consuming and disrupt the lives of their 3 children, but she didn’t feel obligated to stay loyal to him any longer
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
When she asked people whether she should cheat, they told her it would hurt her kids, so she decided to talk to her husband and open up their marriage, but he was angered by it
Image credits: Potential_Cheater_Ch
He stated that he had lost attraction to her, hated how she prioritized her son and wanted her to be a “better wife,” which is why he purposely left his messages for her to find
It might be shocking to learn that one’s partner is being unfaithful to them, but the woman said that she felt nothing when she found out that her husband was being disloyal. Instead, she stated that since their marriage was already “dead,” she was okay looking elsewhere or even opening up their marriage. Research on infidelity found that 20% of men and 13% of married women admitted to cheating.
You might be surprised to learn that since 1990, the number of women who have admitted to cheating has risen by 40%. This trend shows that there has been a shift in how society views women’s autonomy and sexuality. As the woman stated, she was okay with cheating on her husband because he was being unfaithful to her, and she would not bring her new partners to meet her children.
Bored Panda interviewed Shivani Misri Sadhoo, a highly experienced couples therapist who has assisted over 17,000 couples and individuals across India and internationally through relationship challenges, communication issues, intimacy concerns, and marital revitalization. When asked about why a person might consider cheating on their spouse after finding out about infidelity, she shared, “in my experience as a couples therapist, I have witnessed instances where one partner may consider cheating as a form of retaliation for their spouse’s infidelity.”
“Such actions are mostly rooted in feelings of hurt, betrayal, and a desire for retribution. However, resorting to infidelity as a means of revenge solely exacerbates the existing issues within the relationship, leading to further pain and distrust. In therapy, it is crucial to address these underlying emotions, facilitate open communication, and work towards redeveloping trust and healing the wounds inflicted by infidelity, rather than perpetuating a cycle of hurt and retaliation,” she added.
According to the Deceit Model of Infidelity, affairs are often the result of unmet needs in the relationship. This could be due to lack of affection, understanding, support, or even if physical needs aren’t being met. The husband stated that he was not attracted to his wife because she “got fat” and that she was treating her son as the most important man in her life.
The Original Poster (OP) shared her perspective in the comments, stating: “I admit I've made mistakes. Maybe I should have been a better wife. I know my weight and my focus on the kids pushed him away, and I should have spent more time focusing on us in the beginning when he started pulling away from me. But I don't think I've been inappropriate in my relationship with my son in any way. I don't treat him differently from my daughters, I don't stifle him or keep him from having friends, I don't use him as a substitute partner or involve him in my issues.”
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
Shivani also shared what a person should do if they suddenly find out about their partner’s affair. She stated, “in the immediate aftermath of finding out infidelity, it is crucial to prioritize self-care and emotional safety. Take a deep breath and let yourself process the shock and emotions. Reach out to a trusted person like a friend, colleague or family member for help. Avoid making impulsive decisions or confronting your partner until you feel emotionally prepared.”
“Consider seeking professional guidance from a therapist to navigate the complex emotions and decisions going ahead. Take time to assess your needs, set boundaries, and determine what steps are mandatory for your emotional well-being and the future of the relationship. Remember, you are not alone, and support is available to help you through this challenging time,” she added.
In this case, the wife found out that her husband had deliberately left his messages open for her to find because he wanted to push her to be a better wife to him. He also wanted her to grovel for his attention and love.
According to the Scientific American, “those who came clean were more likely to have cheated out of anger or neglect rather than sexual desire or variety. This suggests that their confession was possibly a form of retribution and a way to exact revenge instead of a way to clear their conscience. The participants who confessed were also more likely to form a committed relationship with the affair partner.”
Infidelity is such an overwhelming process to deal with, and a trained counselor can help support a person through it. We asked Shivani to share the techniques she would use in a session to support someone who has been cheated on.
She said: “Helping individuals who have experienced infidelity needs a delicate and compassionate approach. Here are certain steps and techniques I employ during sessions:
- Encourage Self-Reflection: I guide the person to reflect on their needs, values, and boundaries. This introspection could help them gain clarity on what they want moving ahead and what boundaries they require to establish for their emotional well-being.
- Promote Communication: Facilitate open and honest communication between the individual and their partner, if both parties are willing. This includes forming a safe environment for each person to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without any ear of judgment or retaliation.
- Rebuild Trust: The individual and their partner explore ways to rebuild trust in the relationship. This might involve setting mutual goals, establishing transparency and accountability, and practicing forgiveness and empathy.
- Address Root Issues: Exploring underlying issues within the relationship that might have contributed to the infidelity. This could involve examining communication breakdowns, unmet desires, or unresolved conflicts that might have led one partner to seek validation or connection outside the relationship.”
When people learn of their partners’ cheating, they can either stay or decide to leave. The poster initially decided to cheat, but once she found out about her husband’s manipulation, she realized that she needed to leave. People advised her to divorce her husband and to avoid going down the path of infidelity because of the effect it would have on her kids.
How do you think the woman should have handled her husband’s revelations? Share your thoughts in the comments.
People told her to document everything, then divorce her husband and collect child support
