Moral dilemmas are anything but simple. It’s not just because everyone has their own take on morality, ethics, and other social conventions. But it’s also because it’s humans we’re talking about. Humans have a notorious reputation of being overly complicated.
So, when one such dilemma arises—namely, when a dad is strongly considering stepping in to tell his soon-to-be son-in-law about a dark but significant factor in who his daughter is—it becomes a game of weighing the pros against the cons without one clear-cut solution that would benefit all.
It’s generally considered bad if parents meddle in their kids’ relationships, but no story is ever just black and white
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual image)
A dad wants to step in and tell his future son-in-law about his daughter’s sociopathy, but needs to be sure about it
Image credits: Pause96
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual image)
Image credits: Pause96
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual image)
Image credits: Pause96
The story was left at that—the dad was only showing intention and ‘testing the waters’ by asking if he should go with it
Redditor u/Pause96 shared a decision he wanted to make that he seemed to both dread and want.
In a nutshell, he has a 25-year-old daughter with diagnosed sociopathy. She’s been together with a boyfriend of 1.5 years, who OP described as being a very nice guy. He’s crazy about her—so crazy, in fact, that it feels like he’s about to propose to her. It’s getting serious.
However, the dad learned that his daughter had zero intention of telling him about her diagnosis. After an attempt at changing her mind, the dad issued a bit of an ultimatum and said that if she doesn’t talk to him, he will.
OP feels that her ‘dark secret’ is a crucial factor to consider before taking another crucial step in life, i.e. marriage. The son-in-law-to-be is a good kid, he deserves to know. And the dad’s more than confident that being honest about it won’t ruin the relationship because there’s a lot of other good things about it.
The dad’s worried the daughter’s borderline apathy is why he thinks she might end up hurting him deeply. She, on the other hand, thinks this is exactly what might scare him away.
It’s important to note that the story was written from the perspective of not having actually made the move of telling the lad about the dark secret. It was still in the stage of wanting to tell. Despite that, the community voted NTA, saying that this was one of the toughest stories they'd heard in a while.
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual image)
The community had a hard time coming to a conclusive verdict on the matter
Folks were very torn about the whole thing: meddling in relationships is a big no-no, but her ‘dark secret’ is something the good guy ought to know; it’s the daughter’s relationship and marriage, so she should be in charge of it, but it doesn’t end just there—what if they have kids, what if it snowballs further? If anything, this is no way to start a life together, but the dad’s not going to live that life—the daughter and son-in-law will.
Some folks also speculated about what would happen if the dad actually told the son-in-law about it. Would he believe him? Would he possibly misinterpret it and the relationship would spiral out of control? In the end, this commenter said it best: “You're ethically compromised either way.”
Image credits: Odonata Wellnesscenter (not the actual image)
While there is no cure for sociopathy, it can be managed—even more so when the person wants change
For context, sociopathy, also known as antisocial personality disorder (APD), is a mental health condition where the person is unfazed by what’s right or wrong and often ignores the rights and feelings of other people (friend or not). It’s a certain kind of apathy for people and things.
It is not known what causes sociopathy in people, but studies have two calculated guesses: [1] genes might make a person vulnerable to developing APD triggered by negative life situations like neglect and abuse; and [2] changes in the way the brain works resulting during brain development.
Other factors that can make the issue worse. Factors like diagnosing the kid with childhood conduct disorder, family history of ADP or other mental health issues, experience of abuse and neglect and unstable or violent family life during childhood. Statistics also note that men are more susceptible to this than women.
At the moment, there is no cure for sociopathy, or many other mental health issues arising from APD. However, it is manageable through things like cognitive behavioral therapy and relaxation techniques. The catch is that the person should want to change.
So, what’s your take on this? Is there a clear-cut reason why the dad should or shouldn’t step in? Or is this solely the daughter’s decision and the dad just has to accept it? Share your thoughts and stories in the comment section below!
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
Folks came to the verdict that the dad would not be a jerk if he was to intervene
There were some devil's advocates in the comments as well, arguing a different take
