It’s not easy to deal with parental expectations, whether it’s education, profession, relationships or whatever they relate to.
Redditor u/CheekChance6075 opened up to the ‘Petty Revenge’ community about how she dealt with her father’s expectations. He repeatedly nagged her to change her job and do “something more serious” with her life, when she was completely content with her position. The parent eventually suggested a deal to get what he wants, but to his surprise, it resulted in petty revenge instead.
Bored Panda has reached out to the OP and she was kind enough to answer a few of our questions; you will find her thoughts in the text below.
Parental pressure might stem from wanting what’s best for the children, but parents don’t always know best
Image credits: Elle Hughes (not the actual photo)
This man’s way of pressuring his daughter into changing her job didn’t result in the outcome he expected
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: fauxels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
The OP added updates following confusion and concerns in the comments
Image credits: CheekChance6075
Image credits: Kindel Media (not the actual photo)
The redditor didn’t have a great relationship with her father to begin with
In a recent interview with Bored Panda, the OP revealed that she already didn’t have a great relationship with her father, and the arguments about her career choice didn't make it any better. “The most upsetting part of the situation was that my dad didn’t seem to care about how much he was damaging our relationship,” she said.
“I didn’t care to salvage it because of the abuse I endured when I was younger, but after I moved out he tried very hard to deny and ignore what he did in an attempt to save our relationship; just to ruin it again by belittling me for two years about my job.”
The redditor opened up that the situation hasn’t gotten any better—or changed much in general—over time. “My father and I are on very different ends of the political spectrum and that has driven us even more apart. We only talk a couple times a year now but I don’t mind because when we do talk it’s never pleasant.”
Parental expectations can have a strong influence on a developing mind
Some parents put pressure on their children purposefully, others might do it without even realizing, but one thing is clear—escaping parental expectations is often impossible. But, according to psychotherapist David Braucher, Ph.D., depending on their attunement to each individual child, they can be both beneficial and detrimental.
In a piece for Psychology Today, the expert suggested that parental expectations can have a debilitating or even shaming effect on children with emerging identities, but they can also encourage them to develop certain abilities. According to Braucher, whether the expectations will have a positive or negative effect typically depends on whether the parents base them on the child’s personal interests, unique tendencies, and temperament.
When to a healthy extent and formed corresponding to the child’s personal qualities, parental expectations can show them that they’re important and create a sense of belonging. They can also promote the kids’ development; for instance, parents who expect their child to speak a foreign language, might start teaching it from an early age, which in turn helps the little one’s language skills. (Some studies suggest that parental expectations can have a positive effect on children’s long-term educational attainment and outcomes in school.)
The other side of this coin is that, when they do not coincide with the child’s interests, talents and personality, parental expectations can negatively affect their development and self-image. “Children develop a sense of themselves from how they are experienced by their parents,” Dr. Braucher pointed out. “Parental joy in their children allows children to experience themselves as inspiring joy. When parental expectations are not met and parents feel disappointed, their children internalize a sense of themselves as being a disappointment.”
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Quite a few individuals’ career choices have been significantly influenced by their parents
“Parental expectations have a high cost when they’re perceived as excessive,” lead researcher in a study of parental expectations and perfectionism in college students, Thomas Curran, emphasized. The research suggests that over the last few decades, the extent of parental expectations have noticeably increased; so has the level of perfectionism, which often becomes a part of a bigger problem. “Perfectionism contributes to many psychological conditions, including depression, anxiety, self-harm and eating disorders,” Curran added.
Research on parents’ educational expectations on children’s cognition and depression seconded the idea that such pre-set standards can negatively affect the child’s mental well-being. It suggested that despite positively influencing their cognition, both parents’ and kids’ educational expectations “have negative effects on children’s depression”.
But education is far from the only aspect of life children might feel pressured about; as the OP’s example shows, career choices are right there on the list too. As many as 48% of people surveyed by Joblist revealed that their parents strongly influenced their professional path; nearly 40% said they felt pressured to follow their parents’ career advice. The survey also found that almost two-thirds of moms and dads were disappointed that their offspring did not pursue the career path they desired them to.
Unfortunately, the OP’s father was seemingly among the parents disappointed in their child’s career choice; and he made it clear to his daughter. After unsuccessfully trying to convince her to change her job time and again, he hoped that money would help change the young woman’s mind; but to his surprise, it didn’t, even though he did lose the money.
Fellow redditors shared their reactions, some applauded the OP’s revenge
Some netizens sided with the father instead
