Just because someone is your blood relative doesn’t give them the right to behave any way they want. Actions have consequences. And nobody is owed another chance or a helping hand if they’ve made other people’s lives hell. Healthy boundaries have to be respected.
Redditor u/Street_Blackberry174 turned to the r/entitledparents community to share how her estranged father, who had been unfaithful, tried to pressure her into staying at her place. However, she was having none of that. Scroll down for the full story.
We reached out to the author of the viral story, u/Street_Blackberry174, and she was kind enough to answer our questions. You'll find Bored Panda's full interview with the author as you read on.
Unfortunately, not all of your relatives automatically have your best interests at heart. Some people are overly entitled and selfish
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
A woman went viral after revealing how her estranged father tried to manipulate his way into staying with her
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Street_Blackberry174
"Toxic people will try anything to worm their way into your life"
Redditor u/Street_Blackberry174 opened up to Bored Panda about how when her dad showed up at her place, she felt a little bit scared. She said that she was alone at the time, as her husband and kids were out of the house.
"During the messy divorce process, he [my dad] had done some terrible things, and although things did sort of die down, I was worried he was here to cause trouble. And I suppose in a way he was! But after he made his demands, I was just angry."
We asked the author whether she thinks her dad could still change as a person, and what it would take for this to happen. "Personally, I think if he would just take that step and learn some accountability, he might realize the full impact of his actions. But so far, all he does is make excuses and blame everyone but himself. And as long as he has someone/something to blame, he'll never change," she told Bored Panda.
"I don't know if he can change, but a part of me really, really hopes he does. He's my dad. I miss him—or who he was, or who I thought he was. I received a lot of useful comments, but the one that really struck home for me was a commenter who said that everything that was good about my father came from my mother. I still have her. So I still have that goodness that I miss from my dad. And that's gone a long way to helping me get through this."
The author also had some helpful advice to share with anyone whose toxic parents continue intruding into their lives. She explained that being stubborn and sticking to one's principles is the best way forward. "Toxic people will try anything to worm their way into your life. It is hard to cut family out of your life. Cutting my dad out hurts, and will continue to hurt for a long time. But put yourself first. Build a strong support network. I'm lucky enough that I have my husband, mum, and my brothers who have been supportive and stood with me," u/Street_Blackberry174 said.
She also stressed the fact that it's vital to have a support network. However, this doesn't mean just family in the narrow sense of the word. "I have supportive family members, but not everyone is as lucky. Feel free to cut people out who undermine the support. It's tough, but in the long run, it is better for your well-being. Put yourself first," she said.
Image credits: Zinkevych_D / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Having clear boundaries is essential for happy and healthy relationships of all kinds
Boundaries are something none of us can afford to ignore. Essentially, they protect us and our needs by showing others our expectations. The clearer our boundaries and the fewer grey areas, the better for everyone.
However, saying all of this is far easier than actually enforcing said boundaries. As many of you have probably experienced, it can be incredibly tough to stand up for yourself and say ‘no’ to your closest family and friends.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up for your own interests and to stick to your principles when someone you care about is pressuring you to act a certain way. And if you’re a people pleaser (hi!), enforcing boundaries can even make you feel guilty at times. Even though having them is the far healthier alternative to giving in to someone else’s whims all the time.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Campbell, who is based in Washington, told Time magazine that you have to increase your self-awareness before you can establish boundaries with your family.
“Spend time journaling and talking with other people to identify what your needs, limits, and values are,” the expert said. She added that it’s helpful to think about how you physically react in different situations. If you’re feeling particularly nervous in some family scenarios, it might be an indication that you need to set boundaries there.
Image credits: Mint_Images / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Nobody should feel guilty for saying 'no' to unreasonable requests
Meanwhile, California-based licensed marriage and family therapist Laurie Carmichael suggests articulating your boundaries using a simple template. Essentially, it follows this formula: you tell your family members that if they do something again, you’ll respond by doing something else. Clarity, brevity, and directness are key when setting out the things you won’t tolerate. There’s no room for vagueness or apologies.
Carmichael gave a couple of examples to Time: “If you comment about my clothes again, I’ll need to excuse myself from the dinner table. I feel disrespected when you address my partner with that nickname you've given him. If you continue to do so, we won't be able to attend family dinners anymore.”
Licensed psychotherapist Judith Melmonth explained to Charlie Health that when it comes to boundaries, it’s important to remember that you have a right to be treated with respect.
You also have a right not to feel guilty whether you say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to someone’s request, and you have a right to prioritize your own needs. Furthermore, you are under no obligation to meet anyone else’s expectations if they’re either unhealthy or unreasonable.
How do you enforce healthy boundaries with your family and friends, dear Pandas? Have you ever had to deal with an estranged relative? What would you have done if you were in the story author’s shoes? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
As the story spread on the internet, the author interacted with some readers to provide more context
Many users were incredibly supportive of the way the woman handled her toxic father
