Probably everyone on the side of relationship or parenting TikToks knows what "the mental load" is by now. It's all the day-to-day planning and decision-making that helps make a family's life run smoothly. And because we still live in a patriarchy (unfortunately), this thinking and planning is usually done by women.
But there's always bound to be exceptions to the rule. To show how men can take some of that load off their partners' shoulders, one dad took to TikTok. Michael Vaughn, aka World Shaker, shared the small steps he takes to help his wife with the mental load while he's away.
Typically, women take on more of the mental load in the household. But one dad went on TikTok to share small ways in which men can help their partners
Image credits: ArseniiPalivoda (not the actual image)
"Reducing the mental load for your partner is not just about when you're in the house, it's also about when you're out of it"
Image credits: world.shaker
"I have to leave for a conference for six days. And that means my partner gets 100% of the child responsibilities and the household responsibilities. She says she doesn't mind, but I know it's a lot, so here are some simple things I'm doing now to help her later when I won't be here. Earlier, I vacuumed the house so she could start with clean floors, washed and folded all the laundry so that she could start with no clothes. (That did not come out the way I intended.)"
Image credits: world.shaker
Image credits: world.shaker
"After I put our oldest to bed, I'm going to do the dishes so she can have clean dishes. Since I usually pack our toddler's lunch, I pre-pack parts of it so it's just grab and go in the morning."
Image credits: world.shaker
"And since she's going to have to wrangle both kids in the morning, I put together 5 outfits for our toddler. By the way, for the partners watching this who don't usually put together outfits for their kids, it's not that simple. It's not just about what matches or looks nice together. I looked at the weather report to base these outfits. Like, Wednesday is a light shirt and pants because it's going to be warm and it's not going to rain, so they'll be out on the playground. Friday, it'll be cold, so a heavier pant, a long-sleeved T-shirt and a sweatshirt."
Image credits: world.shaker
"And I booked a hotel room for her so she can have some time to herself after I get back. I’m not trying to grandstand. These are small things with big impact."
Image credits: world.shaker
Image credits: world.shaker
The creator prompted a discussion that men can and should contribute more when it comes to household planning and worrying
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual image)
The man's video went viral – it currently has over 3 million views on TikTok
A quick reminder on what the mental load actually is
Bored Panda previously asked life coach and educator Laura Danger about what we consider the mental load. She described it as "the decision-making, planning, and organizing that goes into keeping our lives together."
Let's take dinner as an example. If you're planning a meal, you have to consider your family's food preferences. Allergies, schedules, dietary restrictions and needs all fall into this category. All things the person carrying the mental load has to consider.
"The mental load is making sure all the boxes are checked off and also that each task interacts just the right way with all the other tasks. Our lives are like big machines and it takes mental labor to fit all the gears together," Danger told us back then.
She also said that our society feminizes domestic labor. In reality, women are simply taught to do it because that's the expectation. They're not born with some innate talent for doing housework better. "Gender has nothing to do with how well someone does it. It's learned," she told Bored Panda.
Research shows that women do more. But what exactly is it that they're doing more of?
Sociologist Allison Daminger published a paper in 2019 and broke down the mental load into four parts. Anticipate, identify, decide and monitor. Let's take the family dinner again as an example to better understand these parts.
"Anticipate" is realizing we need to start thinking about dinner because the family will be hungry. "Identify" is going through dinner options that best suit the needs of every family member. "Decide" is pretty self-explanatory – selecting one or another meal. And "monitor" would mean to get everyone to the dining table.
The goal of Daminger’s research was not to just prove women do more of the cognitive labor. She wanted to find out what things in particular fall on the shoulders of women in the household. According to her study, women tend to do the "anticipate" and "monitor" parts. "Identify" and "decide" most often are a joint effort.
The TikTok dad shares some great examples to reduce the mental load for his partner. Here are some other ways
The first step to start dividing the mental load between both partners is to have a conversation. It can be hard to talk about it without criticizing or attacking. So finding the right language is important.
David Schramm gives an example of what to say: "I often feel exhausted and mentally tired. I’ve recently read about what it may be stemming from – it’s called ‘worry work,’ and I’d love to share what I’ve been experiencing."
When it comes to dividing the tasks, being explicit is important. Don't be afraid to get extra specific. Daminger gives an example: "If one partner is in charge of laundry, does that also mean that they’re responsible for monitoring the supply of detergent?"
Relationships Australia reminds us that technology can be our friend. You can use apps for planning and delegating housework tasks to make it easier. Sweepy, Todoist, Spotless and Maple are just a few examples.
Relinquishing control is the last piece of advice. Even if you feel like the housework is not done up to your standards, learn to trust other people in the family. Criticizing or correcting may discourage people from fully engaging in household tasks, Schramm writes. So patience here is key.
People in the comments – mostly ladies – were happy to see a dad taking some initiative
