Parents' love for their children is usually unconditional and they would do anything to see their children happy, but sometimes they have to think of themselves as well and set up boundaries when they see their child getting out of hand.
A dad warned his adult daughter that she must be careful if she doesn’t want to get pregnant and talked with her about what responsibilities a child puts on one's shoulders. When he found out she still got pregnant and was looking for a place to stay, he refused to take her in because he was done raising babies.
More info: Reddit
A dad wants to help his daughter, but doesn't think he should allow her to move in despite her being pregnant
Image credits: Andre Piacquadio (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) has a 23-year-old daughter from his first marriage and two kids aged 8 and 10 from his current marriage. His oldest daughter has been talking to a guy online and thinks she’s fallen in love.
It seems the feeling was so strong that she was already fantasizing about them getting married and having kids. But first they had to meet, so the woman planned a visit, but the concerning part for the dad was that she decided to take out her birth control implant and take the pill instead.
A few years ago, the man's daughter, who is now 23 years old, got a birth control implant and was very happy with it
Image credits: u/funzies86
The dad found it weird because the implant never caused problems for his daughter and she actually liked it because it stopped her period. So he talked with her about how important it is to take birth control pills regularly and suggested other alternatives.
The sudden change was suspicious because the OP's former wife had told their daughter that she stopped taking her pills to make him marry her. Needless to say, the marriage wasn’t successful.
The dad felt he needed to stress how expensive having a child is, not to mention all the other responsibilities. And he was not willing to take those responsibilities, because although he loves his younger children, he won’t be raising someone else’s.
Recently she changed her mind about it and started taking birth control pills, which the dad found weird
Image credits: u/funzies86
All of these warnings meant nothing to the daughter, who came back from her trip pregnant and wanting the child. The problem is that she has been missing a lot of work because of how awfully her body reacted to the pregnancy and her boyfriend doesn’t have a job.
The daughter’s solution was to ask for help from her dad. Her plan was to live at OP’s home for a while with her boyfriend, who would get a job, save up a bit of money and move out before the baby is born. The woman couldn’t ask her mom for help as she was already living with her own parents, but the dad didn’t open his home’s door for his daughter.
He was concerned because his previous wife stopped taking the pill to become pregnant and force him to marry her
Image credits: u/funzies86
Image credits: Ernesto Andrade (not the actual image)
There were a few reasons why he said no. First of all, he didn’t trust his daughter. He knew she could be irresponsible and didn’t believe she would move out before giving birth. He didn’t want to become a free babysitter, especially because his wife is a stay-at-home-mom who wouldn’t resist stepping in.
Second of all, the OP didn’t know the guy his daughter was dating, so he didn’t find the idea of a stranger living with him and his own small children appealing.
Despite not wanting to welcome his daughter and her boyfriend to his home, the OP was open to help her to start her new life. The dad offered to pay a deposit and a few months of rent, which should give the couple time to settle in.
Coincidentally, the man's daughter met a man online that she saw a future with and was planning on meeting him in real life
Image credits: u/funzies86
That wasn’t acceptable to his daughter and she was upset he wouldn’t just allow them to move in. Her mom was of the same opinion, but people in the comments were completely on the dad’s side because they also suspected that if he let her into his house, she wouldn’t leave and would treat her dad and stepmom as free babysitters.
Readers didn’t agree with the 23-year-old’s mom who blamed the dad for not supporting his daughter. In their opinion, he was just not enabling her by giving in, and he did offer to pay for rent, so that counts as support.
Not very surprisingly, the daughter got pregnant, but her financial situation was not stable, so she asked her dad to let her stay with him for a while
Image credits: u/funzies86
There is a difference between enabling someone and actually helping them. Comprehensive Wellness Centers explains it very simply: “Helping can be defined as doing something for another in situations where they truly can’t help themselves. On the other hand, enabling is doing something for a person who is totally capable of doing things for themselves.”
Psych Central makes the same distinction but also adds that enabling behaviors “keep someone from dealing with the negative consequences of their actions. Not dealing with these consequences gives the impression that their behavior is somehow acceptable.” Which is why they will keep doing what they do and it will be more and more difficult to explain why their behavior is problematic.
She wanted to move in with her boyfriend who didn't have a job and was officially disabled for being overweight
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Enabling someone’s behavior is as bad as trying to take advantage of someone when you are perfectly capable of doing something by yourself. Healthline stresses that even though the term “enabler” has a negative connotation, people usually think that they are genuinely helping.
Unfortunately, their “help” has an opposite effect. The person will continue their annoying or even dangerous behavior, they will learn to manipulate others to allow them to continue and they won't learn to deal with consequences because the enabler will take that responsibility.
What will actually help them is to teach them to help themselves. Happier Human reminds us of what the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said, which is “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” It could be used as a metaphor for what it means to enable and empower your loved one.
The dad refused to take the two of them in because he didn't trust her to move out and he didn't want a stranger in his home where he lives with his small children
Image credits: u/funzies86
What the dad could offer was to pay for a deposit and a few months of rent so the couple could get on their feet, but that didn't satisfy the daughter
Image credits: Camylla Battani (not the actual image)
Do you think the dad was right to refuse to take his pregnant daughter and a stranger into his home? Do you feel that the daughter might resent her dad or do you believe she will learn responsibility? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Both the daughter and her biological mom were angry with the man, but readers believed the daughter had to deal with the consequences of her own actions
