ParentingOCT 6, 2023

Husband Is At A Loss After Finding Out Wife's Pregnant, Doesn't Fake Being Happy

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Whatever your personal opinion about starting a family, the fact is that some people don't want to have kids. However, life is full of unexpected turns. Some people are quickly forced to come to terms with the fact that their family will soon be bigger and that they'll have to be parents. They might still be shocked, emotionally vulnerable, and coming to terms with how they feel.

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A dad, who anonymously turned to the AITA online community for advice, shared how he and his pregnant wife got into a heated argument. All of this happened because he wasn’t overly enthusiastic at the gender reveal party that they hosted for their family and friends. While some readers called the dad out for his behavior, others understood where he was coming from and offered some solid tips on what to do next. You'll find the full story, as well as the internet's insights, as you scroll down.

Bored Panda wanted to learn about how people can come to terms with the fact that their lives aren't turning out as they'd hoped and what can help parents-to-be find their confidence if they're scared, so we reached out to psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, the author of 'It's Not Always Depression.' She was kind enough to shed some light on these questions. You'll find our full interview with the expert below.

Becoming a parent can be a daunting prospect for some people. Not everyone feels like they're up for the challenge

Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko (not the actual photo)

One dad-to-be turned to the internet for advice after opening up about the argument he and his pregnant wife got into

Image credits: anon

"Once we work through the emotions, it is easier to accept the choices we have made"

According to Hendel, the author of 'It's Not Always Depression,' the secret to coming to terms with anything hard in life is learning to name, validate, and move through the core and inhibitory emotions that hardship brings forth. However, there's an issue here.

"Most people don’t understand emotions are physical, and we cannot think our way through them—we have to tend to them in the body, where emotions live. These emotions include but are not limited to core emotions such as anger, sadness, and fear; and inhibitory emotions, such as anxiety, guilt, and shame," the psychotherapist explained to Bored Panda.

"The Change Triangle tool for emotional health is the most practical guide I’ve come across to understand and work with emotions. Once we work through the emotions, it is easier to accept the choices we have made."

One possible reason why the dad-to-be in the story may be feeling scared to have children might be linked to the experiences that his own father had in his childhood. "Because of the rules and traumas in our childhood, which we all experienced, our brain wires with certain preconceptions about what parent relationships will be like. These are not fixed in stone, and the brain is changeable at any time with work and dedication," Hendel said.

The dad-to-be may need to get in touch with his father and speak to him about what he imagined having children would be like. Meanwhile, the dad would need to shed some light on how he felt about his mother, father, and childhood, and what he felt they did wrong and right. Putting all of these thoughts out in the open could help identify the emotions that certain traumatic moments evoked for the dad-to-be. "Once those are processed through the body and integrated, with intellectual understanding, what he feels would change," the psychotherapist suggested.

Image credits: LOGAN WEAVER (not the actual photo)

There are various reasons why people fear they won't be good parents

The author of 'It's Not Always Depression' explained that the anxiety that people feel stems from our core emotions that are repressed or suppressed. "Once anger, sadness, fear, and even joy excitement are named and validated and felt in the body, anxiety reliably diminishes," Hendel said, adding that she goes into detail about this in her book.

Meanwhile, Bored Panda wanted to get Hendel's thoughts on how people can find their confidence if they're scared that they won't be good parents. The expert pointed out that there is a place underneath the Change Triangle that's called the authentic self. "One of the qualities of the authentic self is confidence. We build core confidence by experiencing our core emotions, one at a time since they are each a different program for action. We must experience each emotion until it is complete. We know it is complete because we feel calmer at the end," she shared with us.

According to Hendel, there are many reasons that people fear they won't be good parents. "It often has to do with how they experienced and feel about their own parents and how they experienced their own childhood," the psychotherapist said.

"Listening to the fear in the body and giving it air and space to express itself helps in a number of ways. Sometimes, just saying something out loud takes the intensity out of it," Hendel revealed.

"As an extreme example, a person may worry that they will hate their child the way they feel their parent hated them. Once they see this and process the sadness and anger for being treated with contempt by a parent, they may realize that they are not like their parent, and have a much greater capacity to give and receive love."

Image credits: Picsea (not the actual photo)

Having kids will drastically change your life, whether you like it or not

There's no denying that your life changes drastically when you have children. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, nor is it all doom and gloom. "One of the main changes is that your children want and need as much of your attention as possible, which means you have a lot less spare time to do things you want, including checking your phone," dating and relationship expert Dan Bacon shared his thoughts about fatherhood with Bored Panda during an earlier interview.

"You are no longer a couple anymore. You are a couple and parents at the same time. It’s difficult to understand what it is like to be a parent without actually doing it," he was candid that it really is the start of a new era. The expert highlighted the fact that, from there on out, you need to take care of your children before you "even think of taking care of yourself." Failing to do so will strain your relationship with your kids and your partner.

"Understandably, that might sound like too much responsibility for some guys. Yet, when you become a dad, you are happy to do it. It doesn’t feel like a chore. It feels natural to be that selfless and to take care of them," Bacon told us previously.

According to him, people's opinions about (not) having children can change over time. "Trust your gut instinct, while knowing that what you feel about the idea of having children now, may be completely different 2, 5, or 10 years from now and that is okay," he said.

"You are allowed to change what you want as you go through life. You don't have to have everything decided right now and never change your mind about anything. Some men see it as a truly amazing thing to become a dad, some see it as just a normal part of life, and others hate it. It really is different for every man and depends on who he is, what he wants from life, the importance he places on family, and what he truly wants to focus on."

Image credits: Josh Willink (not the actual photo)

The dad-to-be was overwhelmed with everything and was unsure of how to proceed

According to the anonymous author of the Reddit post, his wife started the argument because he didn’t have the same energy at the party as she did. She insisted that the least he could have done was to pretend that he cared about the reveal.

“She said that she understood that I didn't really want to have a baby but that since they were almost here that I should probably lose the attitude already,” the dad wrote. He, in turn, pointed out that he wasn’t going to say that he was sorry because he didn’t show any emotion.

“She needed to give me time to adjust, especially with a kid on the way,” the OP said at the time that he still needed to process what he was feeling. Especially considering that he never wanted to have kids in the first place.

However, he still felt unsure about his reaction, which was why he turned to the AITA online group for a verdict. Though the reactions were mixed, most readers were, nonetheless, quite supportive of the dad and his entire situation. They recognized that he was in a very emotionally vulnerable space, but that he needed to make a decision about the future and commit, one way or another.

Some internet users pointed out that going to therapy might help him come to terms with the fact that his entire world was changing very rapidly. The goal, as they said, was to make sure that the dad was ready to fully commit to being a parent.

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

He felt that it was essential to be honest about how he felt, no matter who else was around

Other redditors stressed the importance of focusing on the baby and what it needs, as well as maintaining open and honest lines of communication with the child’s mom. Being enthusiastic about being a parent when there’s a baby on the way would honestly make everyone feel better. However, at the same time, what’s equally important is authenticity and getting in touch with one's genuine emotions.

Pretending and faking emotions just to save face in front of one’s social circle might not work for everyone. For instance, someone might value honesty (even when it’s overly blunt) over their social reputation. Or they might think that social graces aren’t all that they’re cracked up to be if they come at the cost of sacrificing one’s personal integrity.

However, it’s important to keep in mind that being 100% transparent with everyone, at all times, might not be the easiest way to go through life either. At times, a white lie or a more toned-down reaction in public might help you soften the blow and avoid a lot of headaches down the line. A small amount of diplomacy and tact can help avoid gossip and keep up the appearance of peace until the person is able to resolve their issues. The approach depends on what each person's ultimate goals in life are and how in touch with their emotions they are.

Clearly, a lot of important heart-to-heart conversations about parenting needed to happen between the OP and his wife. But those need to happen in private, without their social circle making assumptions about how either of them might be feeling. Meanwhile, constantly broadcasting exactly how someone feels at all times, without any filter—while certainly authentic—can be a tad chaotic to the people around them.

Both partners need to actively listen to each other’s perspectives and try to find common ground, without making it seem like they're attacking or blaming each other. Couples counseling can also provide them both with new ways of looking at this exciting but challenging new reality.

Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)

Gender reveal parties have a nuanced reputation, as some parents go way overboard with them

While baby showers are quite a well-known and wholesome tradition, gender reveal parties are a bit of a mixed bag. The latter have a very nuanced reputation. For instance, some parents see it just as a bit of fun and an excuse to get the people they care about in one place. Others, however, are unsure why publicly revealing the baby’s gender is such a big deal and are confused by the entire celebration.

Gender reveal parties often have cake-cutting or balloon-popping ceremonies during which the gender of the baby is revealed to the parents and all of their guests. The parents want to create memories, celebrate the miracle of life, and bond with the people who are nearest and dearest to them. Some parents, however, go overboard when organizing these events. And hurt feelings aren’t the only fallout. Far from it.

Some parties have had such disastrous effects that they’ve been widely documented in the news. The BBC reported in 2021 how a couple that set off an explosion during a gender reveal party in a quarry in New Hampshire frightened their entire local area. The explosion was so powerful that people in towns that were miles away felt the impact, as buildings trembled. Folks thought that an earthquake was happening.

Meanwhile, back in 2019, a woman lost her life when a homemade explosive was used at a gender reveal party. In 2018, during a similar party, a man started a massive wildfire in Southern California, as covered by CNN. This had devastating consequences, burning down woods and literally forcing people to flee their homes.