Keeping the peace in a blended family can be precarious. Making sure everyone feels included and gets the same amount of affection and attention is a full-time job for any parent, let alone exes who have sometimes conflicting parenting styles.
For one woman, the fact that her ex-husband gives his biological daughter lunch money but not the girl's half-sister irks her no end. She’s tried telling him to stop doing it, but he says it’s not his problem and refuses to listen to her. Now her relationship with her daughter is at risk.
More info: Reddit
Keeping everyone happy in a blended family is hard work, but for this woman, her ex-husband is only making it harder
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Her ex-husband gives his biological daughter lunch money, but doesn’t do the same for her half-sister
Image credits: Pixabay / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman thinks it’s unfair on the half-sister and has asked her ex-husband to stop doing it
Image credits: tonodiaz / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Her ex-husband says he won’t change his ways and told her it’s her and her new husband’s problem
Image credits: daughterlunch
He has now told his biological daughter about her mom’s demands and now she won’t talk to her or stay at her house
OP begins her story by telling the community that she and her ex-husband have a sixteen-year-old daughter, Emily, who mostly lives with her ex and his wife because, when she stays at her mom’s place, she has to share a room with her 15-year-old stepsister, Laura. According to OP, her ex gives Emily $25 for lunch every week but doesn’t do the same for Laura.
Emily has a part-time job, so adding her lunch allowance to her other income lets her buy lunch off-campus, sometimes even for her friends. This is an issue for Laura because Emily never buys her lunch or shares with her. When OP asked her about this, Emily said her friends pay her back, while Laura can’t.
OP asked Emily to occasionally buy Laura lunch, since she and her husband can’t afford to give her a lunch allowance, but she refused. OP then called her ex hoping that, as a parent, he’d understand what she was trying to do, but her ex told her that Laura’s feelings weren’t his or Emily’s responsibility and that Laura should get a job.
OP explained to him that Laura suffers from ADHD and depression, so holding down a job isn’t something she can easily do. Her pleas fell on deaf ears, though, since her ex told her it’s her and her new husband’s problem and not up to him nor Emily.
Things reached a peak when Laura came home crying one day because Emily bought food from her favorite restaurant and didn’t offer her any. OP called her ex again and told him to stop giving Emily lunch money. Of course, when he told Emily about her mother’s wishes, Emily told OP that she’d be staying at her dad’s place full time for a while and hasn’t said another word to her.
From what OP reveals in her post, it would seem that it’s her and her new husband’s place to either cough up some cash for Laura or risk alienating Emily further.
According to the U.S. Bureau of Census, 1300 new stepfamilies are formed in the US each day. That's a lot of adjustment. Even traditional families have their ups and downs, so how do you start to keep everyone happy in a blended one?
Image credits: Antor Paul / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
In her article for HelpGuide.org, Jeanne Segal Ph.D. writes that, while you as parents are likely to approach remarriage and a new family with great joy and expectation, your kids or your new spouse’s kids may not be nearly as excited.
Segal goes on to say that some children may resist changes, while you as a parent can become frustrated when your new family doesn’t function in the same way as your previous one. To give yourself the best shot at success in creating a blended family, it’s crucial to start planning how the new family will function before the marriage even takes place.
Segal suggests some tips for strengthening your relationship with your stepkids. For example, let your stepchild set the pace and don’t rush the relationships. Another tip is using new routines and rituals to bond.
In her article for CNBC, Aditi Shrikant writes that, according to U.S. Census data, second marriages have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages.
“The reason why second marriages often fail when there are kids involved is because of blended family dynamics. They can be extremely difficult and take people by surprise,” says psychologist and clinical director Lisa Marie Bobby.
Bobby provides some tips for creating a successful blended family. “Get very, very clear about the boundaries of your role in the family,” she says. There might be subjects that your new spouse doesn’t want you to discuss with their kid/s or activities they don’t want you to do with them. Learning what those are as early as possible can minimize friction later.
Next, try to recognize your place as the stepparent. “A stepparent should be a “friendly adult” to their stepchildren, not an additional parent,” Bobby says. Part of this is knowing that you don’t have a say in these kids’ lives. “Do not have the expectation that you have parental authority,” Bobby says.
It looks like OP and her new husband haven’t really done their homework when it comes to running a successful blended family, something that her ex has nothing to do with.
What do you think of the mess OP finds herself in? Do you think she has the right to demand that her ex stop giving his own daughter lunch money, or is she barking up the wrong tree? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, Redditors slammed the mom for playing favorites and told her it’s her and her new husband’s responsibility to parent up
