“The Shock On His Face”: Toxic Dad Realizes How Damaging His Parenting Was

Some parents take a lot of pride in their kids, which is generally a good thing, until it becomes a sort of crutch to prevent any development or self reflection. Parents can often do as much harm as good, even if they refuse to admit it.

A woman shared how she shut down her boomer dad after he would not stop insulting her mother and made some claims about just how good of a father he was. We got in touch with the woman who shared the story and she was kind enough to answer some of our questions.

Bored Panda got in touch with the woman who shared the story and she was kind enough to give some more details. "Since the events in my post occurred, my father and I have had a few conversations, but none that have brushed on the same topic. I know a tiger cannot change his stripes, so all I can do is continue to call him out on his claim that you need to raise kids to be insecure, despite the fact that I know he can’t truly hear it and take it to heart."

"Unfortunately, I think that my post got so many upvotes because many people grow up with similarly flawed parenting. I think people can relate to wanting to speak up to someone who left lasting emotional scars which is understandable. I appreciate all the comments from people telling me that they’re proud of me. They’re random internet strangers, sure, but I know that those people who left comments like that have lived similar lives to myself, so it means a lot when those who are a few steps ahead on their journey stop to tell those a few steps behind that they’re doing great. I know that they truly understand, so it doesn’t feel like they’re really strangers," she shared.

"I’d just like to add - despite the fact that I used labels such as “boomer” and “narcissist” to describe my father, everyone needs to remember that people are extremely nuanced. My father is deeply flawed, as am I, but I make the choice to keep him in my life and will continue to do so until it no longer benefits my mental health. I am able to set up boundaries and stick to them, and would recommend to others that if they choose to stay in contact with someone similar to my father, to make sure they’re prioritizing their own needs first and foremost."

It’s sometimes said that parents will at times live “vicariously” through their children. After all, it’s a regular part of life that most folks do not get to do everything they’ve ever wanted to do. What often happens is that parents will have a sort of secondhand joy and pride through the actions of their kids.

In small amounts, there is nothing wrong with it. Indeed, being proud of your children is actually quite important for their self development, as we can see in this story. For example, some parents will take it too far and start to claim credit for things that they were not a part of. Or, as in this case, they will start to twist the facts into a narrative that, somehow, paints them in a better light. They may also make unreasonable demands and think themselves entitled to things which have nothing to do with them

This can be particularly true for narcissists, as they are predisposed to see many things as the results of their actions. Similarly, they will go through intensive and, frankly, impressive mental gymnastics in order to make everything they see themselves responsible for as downright positive, while “negative” things are always caused by someone else, in this case, the woman’s mother.

It’s telling that the moment she criticizes it, he deflects and once again, blames the mom. He also reveals that he knew exactly what was going on, or so he thought. This was, it turns out, a perfect trap, as her reply, in her own words, “broke him.” It would appear that he built a large part of his own self image “on” his kids, perhaps in competition with his ex-wife.

So her revelation doesn’t just upend how he sees his own parenting, it also upends his own, constructed, self-image. All of his behaviors fall neatly in line with Maslow’s definition of an insecure person, i.e. someone who "perceives the world as a threatening jungle and most human beings as dangerous and selfish; feels like a rejected and isolated person, anxious and hostile; is generally pessimistic and unhappy; shows signs of tension and conflict, tends to turn inward; is troubled by guilt-feelings, has one or another disturbance of self-esteem; tends to be neurotic; and is generally selfish and egocentric."

Unfortunately, many people never get over their own insecurities and tend to see the rest of the world through that lens. Indeed, other research suggests that divorce can often leave the children who live through it with lingering issues of insecurity and a need for constant validation. Ultimately, secrets can hurt.