Attraction is complex. Sure, you might be able to see a photo of someone and immediately decide that you find them beautiful. But there are plenty of other things that might make you even more drawn to them: watching them cook an elaborate dinner, seeing them play with a puppy or hearing them gush about their passion projects.
In this day and age, it shouldn’t surprise anyone to hear that physical attraction is just one part of the equation, but some people still need to be reminded not to judge a book by its cover. One man recently reached out to Reddit for advice on how to encourage his friend to be more open-minded when it comes to dating. Below, you’ll find all of the details, as well as some of the replies invested readers shared.
This man was excited when his friend finally started opening up about his dating life
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
But he quickly realized that his friend is holding women to unrealistic standards
Image credits: hryshchyshen / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: MartianTulip
Physicality is only one piece of the puzzle when it comes to attraction
Image credits: wavebreakmedia_micro / freepik (not the actual photo)
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? No matter how stunning you think someone is, there’s bound to be someone out there that just doesn’t see their appeal. At the same time, you might be extremely into someone that isn’t anyone else’s cup of tea. Attraction is complex, and it can’t always be explained or understood. But that doesn’t stop scientists from trying to get to the bottom of it.
According to the BBC, there are several qualities that are considered even more important than how we look. While we all know that physicality can play a huge role in initial attraction, over time, appearance starts to fall somewhere in the middle. Meanwhile, superficial factors such as owning a nice home and having material success mean almost nothing after a couple gets to know each other.
On the other hand, being intelligent, extroverted and agreeable consistently score higher in surveys than physical attraction when it comes to what people are looking for in a partner.
There are also some extremely simple explanations for why you might want to date someone. Daniel R. Stalder, PhD, writes in a piece for Psychology Today that beauty, proximity and similarity are key factors in many relationships.
For example, it’s easy to develop a fondness for someone you see every day, such as a colleague or neighbor, that might develop into attraction. And if someone has similar views, you might immediately be drawn to them, as it can feel extremely easy to keep conversations flowing.
But there’s a big difference in being interested in going on a few dates with a person and developing a long-term meaningful relationship with them. So do looks really matter once you’ve gotten past the initial stages of dating?
Many people consider their partner's personality and intelligence to be more important than their looks
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
PsychCentral explains that they do play a role, but even “looks” are much more complex than things that are out of your control. For example, you might be attracted to a person’s personal style, their hygiene, their posture, their athletic capabilities and how they present themself to the world in general.
We also have to keep in mind that what’s considered “attractive” (at least by society) changes over time. Beauty trends come and go, and different hairstyles, body types, makeup looks, etc. will be considered more or less attractive depending on the media at the moment.
Because of this, it’s important to know what you as an individual truly find attractive. In this Reddit post, it sounds like the man’s friend has been influenced by what he sees on social media and on television, and he has accepted that one specific type of woman is attractive. But the reality is that he would probably find thousands of other women beautiful if he simply gave them a chance.
As some commenters have mentioned, there’s also a possibility that he is simply seeking validation from others by pursuing conventionally attractive women due to his own low self-esteem. After all, nearly 40% of men struggle with body image issues, and up to 85% are unhappy with their muscularity.
The pressure to have a “perfect body,” whatever that means at the moment, affects us all. But that doesn’t mean that it’s fair to project that pressure onto the people we want to date as well.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. What do you think would be the best way to explain to a friend that they should be more open-minded when dating? Feel free to weigh in, and then, you can find another article discussing similar themes right here.
Later, the author responded to some comments and provided more background information
Readers encouraged him to continue modeling healthy behaviors, and some noted that his friend may need to learn some tough lessons on his own
