Being married is not easy. It can be even harder if one spouse or both are struggling with their mental health. In fact, a 2018 Finnish study found that mental health problems at least double the risk of divorce. For men with poor mental health, the likelihood of divorce was more than double. For women, it nearly doubled.
This guy had to endure years of his wife's depression until she finally decided the two needed to separate for a while. The plot twist was that during their break, he started to feel happy again. So, when she came begging for him to take her back, he faced a dilemma: was he to be happier with her or without her?
A wife left her husband of 7 years to see if she would be better off fighting depression without him
Image credits: Aaron Thomas (not the actual photo)
Yet, after some time, she came back to him with an interesting request
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Roberta Sant'Anna (not the actual photo)
Image source: ThrowRAHelpmi
A partner's depression can take a toll on a spouse
It's hard to be happy with your marriage when your spouse has depression. Research shows that spousal depression can increase marital distress. According to a 2007 study, couples might experience emotional withdrawal, decreased intimacy, and increased resentment.
In many cases, depression can destroy a relationship. As Samuel L. Pauker, M.D., and Miriam Arond write for Psychology Today, the depressed partner may have good and bad days. On the good days, the person may seem agreeable, but on the bad days, they can be straight-up unbearable.
"It's easy to see how quickly a couple can get into a vicious cycle of anger, blame, hurt, and hopelessness," they write. "By not recognizing that depression is a key component in the ruination of their relationship, too many couples consult with a divorce lawyer when they really need to first meet with a mental health professional."
Some studies suggest that the other partner may even develop depression. That's why some experts suggest that in treating one partner's depression, it's also important to pay attention "to the distress and burden experienced by spouses."
Other experts are more optimistic. Jacques Barber, PhD, the dean of the Gordon F. Derner School of Psychology at Adelphi University in Garden City, NY, says that most couples can survive one partner's depression.
"There's no quick fix," he admits. "Some people may go on one medication for depression, and it doesn't work, or they go to therapy and it doesn't work for them. You have to be persistent," he asserts. Medication is often more effective together with therapy; you have to talk your way out of the condition.
Ninety percent of patients with depression do experience improvement with treatment, he says. What the spouse needs to remember is that the tiresome behavior is all part of the condition. "Be encouraging. Invite them to do more activities together that are fun," he suggests. "Depression often causes lethargy. Invite your spouse to go for a walk or to the beach if you have one nearby."
Caregivers might not notice they're experiencing burnout
It's no surprise that after many years of taking care of his wife, the husband is experiencing caretaker fatigue. As he describes, he not only has to take care of the household, but also keep an eye on his wife as well. That can take a toll on a person.
Research shows that caregivers experience negative outcomes to their mental health and vitality. Loneliness is a particularly strong element, as social relationships can improve a caregiver's mental health significantly.
When his wife left, the husband finally felt that he could put himself first. He went out with friends, could finally relax at home, and finally started to enjoy life again. Caring for someone with depression can be all-consuming, so spending some time apart can help one rediscover the joy one felt prior to the spouse's depression.
When one partner in the relationship is ill, the other becomes the least important person in the relationship, says Linda Keilman, a gerontological nurse. She urges all caregivers to take care of themselves. "Self-care is the easiest thing we can do for ourselves, but we don't think about it that way, and we don't think about it as taking care of the self," she explains.
"We think about it as being selfish or self-centered. If people just ate enough fruit and vegetables and healthy meals, drank enough water, got some physical activity, slept well and had some fun doing something they enjoy on a regular basis—even if it's just reading a book—everyone would be able to manage stress much easier."
"When she was gone, for a while, I actually felt happy," the husband admitted guiltily
Commenters urged the man not to give in to outside pressure: "It isn't your job to heal her"
Later, the husband came back with an update that many didn't expect
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image source: ThrowRAHelpmi
Commenters warned the guy that this would not end well, but he was prepared to take the risk
Some pointed out that this was not a healthy way to deal with it: "Doesn't sound like a loving relationship to me"
Other reactions were kinder, wishing the couple strength and luck
