Living together with a younger, disabled sibling can be incredibly rewarding, but challenging as well. On the one hand, you want to be supportive, kind, caring, and loving. On the other hand, you might feel sidelined because your parents’ entire lives revolve around them rather than you.
That’s the situation that college student u/unacaoimhe found herself in. She vented online about how she felt invisible at home because her 7-year-old brother had Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. Things came to a head when she flat-out told her sibling why she doesn’t want to spend time with him… and their mother overheard this. Scroll down to read how the internet called out the young woman for her actions, and what advice they gave her.
Watching a loved one deteriorate in front of you is devastating because they have very limited time left
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A young college student broke down online and shared how she feels invisible at home because her parents focus on her disabled younger brother
Image credits: africaimages/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: unacaoimhe
The siblings of children with disabilities or illnesses are often more empathetic and kind...
We all want to feel seen, loved, respected, and cared for. These are natural needs because we are social animals. So, when you believe that the people closest to you don’t give you ‘enough’ attention, you might start feeling envious or resentful. You might even lash out at your loved ones. All of these things point to your emotional needs not being met.
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Though there are no easy solutions to these problems, open and honest communication is your best bet going forward. If you find that you’re not getting enough quality time with your loved ones, you need to talk to them about this. That discussion is likely going to be awkward and slightly embarrassing. But it needs to happen if you want healthier, more positive relationships.
According to ConnectAbility Australia, growing up with a sibling who has a disability is “much the same as growing up with a sibling who is typically developing: There will be times of joy, sadness, frustration, love and even hate.” However, while some people will have close relationships with their siblings, others might have a tougher time connecting with them.
Broadly speaking, the siblings of children with disabilities tend to be more caring, kind, sensitive, and responsive to other people’s needs. What’s more, they can be more tolerant, compassionate, mature, responsible, independent, and empathetic.
...but they can also struggle with feelings of resentment, guilt, anger, fear, and envy
However, that’s the ideal scenario. In other cases, the siblings of disabled children might find that they have emotional or physical needs that do not get fulfilled. This is because their parents have to focus a big part of their time and energy on their kids with disabilities.
So, these siblings might feel resentful, isolated, and scared about the future. They might feel pressured to be ‘perfect’ and as though they can’t express their true feelings.
“The thoughts, feelings and actions of typically developing siblings can be affected by their age, personality, temperament and birth order, but external factors can also play a huge role, such as the type or severity of the disability, the medical care and needs to the child who is differently abled, as well as the way in which the family adjusts to having a child with disability,” ConnectAbility Australia explains.
“It is of course true that a sibling will likely love their differently abled sibling, but it is equally true that they may harbor some unwelcome emotions that they do not want to talk openly about, known as functional impairment. Sadness about limitations imposed on the sibling, resentment about the attention given to the sibling, anger, guilt, fear, jealousy and concern are all common reactions to living with a sibling who has a disability.”
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Males with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy are more commonly surviving into their 30s and even 40s due to advances in treatment
Furthermore, these siblings can feel stressed if they see that their parents are also stressed. They can also exhibit higher levels of anxiety and depression and struggle with interpersonal relationships. And, in some cases, they might feel embarrassed or guilty when strangers stare at their disabled siblings in public.
Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (DMD) is a progressive, genetic, neuromuscular disorder that primarily affects males. It occurs in around 1 in 3,500 to 5,000 male births, and DMD symptoms show up in early childhood, often between ages 2 and 3. Females are most often symptomatic carriers, but in some very rare cases, can also be severely affected.
According to the Muscular Dystrophy Association, in its early stages, DMD affects the shoulder and upper arm muscles, as well as the hip and thigh muscles. This results in having difficulty rising from the floor, climbing stairs, maintaining balance, and raising the arms.
The MDA explains that, up to the 2000s, boys with DMD usually didn’t survive beyond their teenage years. However, things have improved since then. These days, survival into your early 30s and even 40s is becoming more common.
“Because of improved guidelines recommending comprehensive multidisciplinary care, standardization of corticosteroid treatments, disease-modifying treatments, and advances in cardiac and respiratory support, life expectancy is increasing and many young adults with DMD attend college, have careers, get married, and even have children.”
Most internet users did not mince their words. They called the college student out for her behavior
After reading through all the criticism and advice, the young woman decided to change her life. Here's her update
Image credits: Media_photos/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: unacaoimhe
Although the college student, u/unacaoimhe, got called out by the AITA online community for her behavior, she took the criticism to heart and started to make serious changes in her life. She admitted that she might have been pushing her younger brother away because she was scared of watching him deteriorate and pass away. However, she is now committed to being a different person.
“He has limited time here and I’m going to make my relationship with him the best it can be before he goes. I apologised to my parents and told them how I felt and they apologised. I apologised to my brother and he asked me to play with him so I did, we had fun,” she wrote, thanking the AITA community for the candid advice. Unfortunately, we were unable to reach out to u/unacaoimhe for comment because her account got banned.
This is an extremely delicate and sensitive topic, but if you feel like sharing your thoughts, feel free to do so in the comments below. What advice would you give the author of the viral story if you could talk to her directly? Have you ever had to take care of a disabled or seriously ill family member or friend? How do you protect your boundaries and needs at home? Let us know below.
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